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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Dilemma

48 replies

happylittleme · 17/02/2025 06:55

I'm so torn with emotions on this. My Son is in his last year of University and plans on returning to live back at home with me in May when he leaves Uni. Problem is that my partner has asked me to move in with him, but doesn't have a spare room for my Son to live in permanently (although he would always be welcome to stay on sofa bed when visiting).

I'm so torn on what to do. I'd love to live with my partner, it's been years since I have felt so settled. Both my Sons are happy for me and really like my partner, but I feel I'm putting my partner before my Son if I choose to move in.

My Son could live with his Dad, who has spare rooms, but my Son isn't too keen on his Dad's wife. My eldest Son (who lives away) has told me to be selfish for once and do things for me, that my youngest Son is now an adult and has to make his own way in the World.

I just feel so torn. Advice needed please!

OP posts:
Organisedwannabe · 17/02/2025 06:58

Can’t you, your partner and son live together?

Original poster
happylittleme · 17/02/2025 07:03

Organisedwannabe · 17/02/2025 06:58

Can’t you, your partner and son live together?

The house my partner lives in is in an area away from where I live. My Son doesn't know the area, has no friends there and no job. There isn't an option to move into somewhere else as this house is very nearly mortgage free, and too many positives for me to move into there rather than my partner move into my home, which is rented.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 17/02/2025 07:05

I’d stay in your house while your son sorts himself out and gets a job etc

Motnight · 17/02/2025 07:06

Talk to your son. What are his plans? It is ok for you to put yourself first but the more notice that your son has about them the better.

Pinkissmart · 17/02/2025 07:07

Can’t you put your plans on hold for a bit? Your son isn’t fully fledged yet.

Also, your plan to move in with your partner in that particular house means your sons will never have a place to stay with you. Is that what you want, moving forward?

Original poster
happylittleme · 17/02/2025 07:11

Motnight · 17/02/2025 07:06

Talk to your son. What are his plans? It is ok for you to put yourself first but the more notice that your son has about them the better.

I've spoken to him about it and he's "having a think" of his plans. This is typically my Son and he will still be "having a think" in 10 years time. Cute but frustrating!

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 17/02/2025 07:14

so your ds wants to move back?
does he have any other plans?
is your dp going to retract his offer?
can you and your dp move to a larger place?

Original poster
happylittleme · 17/02/2025 07:15

Pinkissmart · 17/02/2025 07:07

Can’t you put your plans on hold for a bit? Your son isn’t fully fledged yet.

Also, your plan to move in with your partner in that particular house means your sons will never have a place to stay with you. Is that what you want, moving forward?

My Sons are welcome.to stay at any time, there just wouldn't be room permanently. In my current home it's the same situation as I just have 1 spare room. Their Dad has 3 spare rooms. They just don't seem to want to go there, even though their relationships with their Dad are great.

OP posts:
Leavesandacorns · 17/02/2025 07:15

It's completely normal to move home after university for a while. Taking away this opportunity would be putting your relationship with your partner first. Your son isn't fully independent yet, going away to university isn't the same as moving out properly.

Can't your partner move in with you?

CaptainFuture · 17/02/2025 07:18

My eldest Son (who lives away) has told me to be selfish for once and do things for me, that my youngest Son is now an adult and has to make his own way in the World.
How old was your eldest when he left home? How long have you been in this property, when did your sons last have a bedroom with you?

Original poster
happylittleme · 17/02/2025 07:23

CaptainFuture · 17/02/2025 07:18

My eldest Son (who lives away) has told me to be selfish for once and do things for me, that my youngest Son is now an adult and has to make his own way in the World.
How old was your eldest when he left home? How long have you been in this property, when did your sons last have a bedroom with you?

My eldest Son left home 14 years ago to join the forces. He is now married and has his own home. I've lived in my current home for 5 years, where my youngest lived too, before going to University.

OP posts:
Original poster
happylittleme · 17/02/2025 07:24

Leavesandacorns · 17/02/2025 07:15

It's completely normal to move home after university for a while. Taking away this opportunity would be putting your relationship with your partner first. Your son isn't fully independent yet, going away to university isn't the same as moving out properly.

Can't your partner move in with you?

Totally agree, which is why I have the dilemma. No option for partner to move into my home because of circumstances with his home.

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 17/02/2025 07:26

So eldest isn't coming at it from same experience as younger as he's always had guaranteed accommodation?
Could you not give it a year to allow him to get s job and save?
It wouldn't hinder you staying overnight with your dp would it?

Original poster
happylittleme · 17/02/2025 07:26

EleanorReally · 17/02/2025 07:14

so your ds wants to move back?
does he have any other plans?
is your dp going to retract his offer?
can you and your dp move to a larger place?

A larger place isn't an option with his housing situation. If we had a larger place my Son still wouldn't want to live in that area but my partner has a job and elderly parents that he cares for daily, that it makes sense to stay where he currently is.

OP posts:
Motheranddaughter · 17/02/2025 07:28

I would delay moving in with DP until son came home from University at figured out what he was going to do

EleanorReally · 17/02/2025 07:30

i wouldnt move yet
speak to your ds about his concrete plans

EleanorReally · 17/02/2025 07:30

why wouldnt he want to live in that area?
can he drive?

Soontobe60 · 17/02/2025 07:33

I would give your DS a timescale - and some conditions to moving back home. He’s an adult, not a child, and has to start behaving like one. Get a job, pay his way, do chores. You can always just spend weekends at your DPs house. Giving up your own place could be risky in itself if it doesn’t work out with your DP. He could throw you out in a heartbeat!

anon2022anon · 17/02/2025 07:35

I have a daughter the same age/ stage, and if at all possible I would put the plans on hold for a year. Most young adults don't come out of uni with a grad job lined up, and I know my child would feel very anxious in trying to find a job that would pay enough for the bills, and realistically trying to find a room in a house share too at the same time, while learning what it's like to be an adult (not a student) in their home town.

Can you set a deadline, ie, you want to move out by Christmas/ Easter next year, to give him time to find his feet?

Ferrazzuoli · 17/02/2025 07:35

I would delay moving in with your partner for a year or 18 months. That gives your son enough time to get a job and find a place to live.

EleanorReally · 17/02/2025 07:36

might he want to do a masters?

AuntieDolly · 17/02/2025 07:38

Would you have to sell your current house?

ThePoshUns · 17/02/2025 07:39

Can you keep your place door a while for your son to live in and you live with your partner?
Gives son a place to live temporarily and you have somewhere if it doesn't work out with your partner.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 17/02/2025 07:40

I think I would say to son tgat I'm going to give him a year to look at his options then
I will be giving up the tenancy.
Alternatively, sell partners house and buy somewhere bigger With you having a small stake (25%?) And paying mortgage instead of rent.

BeCalmNavyDreamer · 17/02/2025 07:40

Delay the move and find a way of making the house habitable for your sons when they do stay.