Dilemma

[happylittleme]

I'm so torn with emotions on this. My Son is in his last year of University and plans on returning to live back at home with me in May when he leaves Uni. Problem is that my partner has asked me to move in with him, but doesn't have a spare room for my Son to live in permanently (although he would always be welcome to stay on sofa bed when visiting).

I'm so torn on what to do. I'd love to live with my partner, it's been years since I have felt so settled. Both my Sons are happy for me and really like my partner, but I feel I'm putting my partner before my Son if I choose to move in.

My Son could live with his Dad, who has spare rooms, but my Son isn't too keen on his Dad's wife. My eldest Son (who lives away) has told me to be selfish for once and do things for me, that my youngest Son is now an adult and has to make his own way in the World.

I just feel so torn. Advice needed please!

His plan is a grad scheme.

Likewise. Easy for oldest child to play at being supportive when it doesn't effect them, and presumably had a home to return to?

Could partner not move to yours?

I would delay but not cancel the move. Chat to your ds and say that you are moving but that you will stay until September inorder for him to have a few months to find his feet, job etc. you both then have a clear path forwards.

I'd give it a year, a couple of months is barely anything.

@happylittleme does your partner only have one bedroom? are there any others living in his home or is it just him??

Forgetting the son for a moment, how long have you been with your partner? If you move in with him and it doesn't work out, where will you live? Will you find another rental easily?

I would definitely delay the move and let your child settle after a busy few years and take time to make the right decisions about what he wants to do in the future. Personally, my own parents rushed me to make decisions about my future straight after uni and I made a mistake rushing into a grad job that didn't suit me, leading to a career change later on. He's worked really hard and deserves some time to relax and take stock.

Was going to ask the same thing, you’d be giving up your home then when it all goes wrong where do you live? No way would I be giving up my home to move in with a man, especially not my children’s home to boot

He has 2 bedrooms. One is rented by a family member who would be asked to move on if my Son would live there. But my Son has said not to do this as he wouldn't live there as it's too far away.

I would delay my move.

Can you move to partners and son live in your rented house - could you afford to help him with rent for an agreed time?

So you'd be moving in to a house share with partner and his relative?

Also, would he expect you help care for his parents?

Definitely not. I've been through this with my own and he knows I couldn't do it again.

That's a thought actually.

That's really good food for thought. Thanks.

Oh missed that, would bills be split 3 ways? Sounds less and less appealing!!

Your message is at the front of my mind.. So thank you.

I'd give your son a timescale to find a job. Don't leave it open-ended. But let him come home after uni and have some time with you

For some reason I feel uneasy about you giving up your home permanently and moving in with your partner

Could you rent your house out (to your son?) so that you always have somewhere to go to, should the relationship go wrong ?

Is he applying for grad schemes now? If so, he will not start work until September (although could possibly get a temporary job to cover the period until then.)
If he is waiting until he finishes uni to apply (as my DS did) then jobs are generally advertised October through till February/may. The jobs do not start until the following September.

My Ds came home in June last year. We live in South London and it took until November for him to get a job (part time only) to cover the period until he starts in September. There just weren't any - even the Christmas supermarket jobs were non-existent. He had previous work experience. The job is bar work, so luckily not too bad to fit in the many interviews for grad posts he is currently having to do.

I'm not sure how your DS would pay rent if you sold your house (or even rented it to him) if he can't get a job until September.

Thanks for that. He is applying for grad schemes now for September, not sure if he would have if we didn't have the chat last night though! Luckily he's had the same job here in a restaurant since he started Uni. He works full time while at home so he can concentrate at Uni and they are happy to have him for as long as he needs the job there.

I think I'd put in place some sort of mosh mash option if I could. How far apart are your house and your partner's house?

I would keep in my tenancy until the next annual option to renew and make it absolutely clear that it will end at that point. Then I'd move some stuff to partner's house but leave enough, and spend enough time at home for son to feel and know you're not just paying his rent for a year. You didn't for the other son, after all. Also, moving in with partner could be an adjustment, might be nice to be able to go home from time to time.

End result is that you move in with partner, son has another year at home.

I think you've got it spot on. After a long conversation with Son today that's pretty much the plan. He will come home in May , hopefully have a grad scheme to start in September, which could be anywhere in the country. If it is elsewhere then he would be moving on anyway. In the meantime partner and I carry on as we are (weekends because of shifts and his elderly parents) me staying at his week days and him at mine weekends (we both work Mon to Fri). I've also said it gives him time to suggest his lodger looks elsewhere.

Thank you so much for everyone's advice. But by bit it's built a solution !