What to do about my son.

[ihatecaramel]

My son will be 19 in may, it's just us, me and his alcoholic dad went our separate ways around 7 years ago, best decision I ever made. He left and didn't bother with DS which has definitely affected my DS.
He has a weird outlook on life, why would anyone want to work just to pay bills and survive, he says it looks like a miserable existence, he says he doesn't feel the automatic love for me and his family that he thinks he should, but says he respects and
cares for us. He is very sensitive, doesn't take any criticism very well at all, he is helpful if I ask for help with anything, he can cook his own meals, strip his bed etc he's not useless but, he doesn't want to drive, doesn't want to work and doesn't care if he doesn't leave the house for months on end,
I've asked him to get a job as at his age it's only fair he contributes, I feel he should want to as a pride thing.
He always avoids answering me and I know he doesn't want to but I'm at a loss as to what to do, it isn't normal to stay in like he does, I think he could be ND and have said he needs to see a doctor but as with everything he just ignores the issue.
He ls a nice person, he's respectful and helpful but it's not enough anymore.
Please can you give me some advice as to what I can possibly do.

Thank you

So is he at college or similar?
Has he always been like this or could it be depression or similar?

If he isn't at college, he needs to get a job. Does he sign on or anything? If you stop paying for anything other than the bare minimum, he might see the point of working a bit more clearly?

I don’t have any advice but I’m having similar issues with my DD - she does work on occasion, but purely to fund the things she wants, not to contribute. I wonder if it’s a generational things, many young people have a very dystopian outlook on the future right now.

I think the trauma of living with an alcoholic parent runs very deep (well
done for getting out. I see it in my own extended family, and I think you need to explore this

Honestly (and gently, sensitively), what you think may be ND could actually be trauma behaviour from the life your son has had. I’m not sure the best way forward, but I definitely think your son would benefit from counselling etc, to help him see a ‘normal’ way of life. That’s where I would start and build from there.

He may be ND, or he may be depressed. He definitely needs to get out more. I have adult children, and struggle with how to help them also. The only peaceful way forward that I have found is to not insist on anything. They usually, eventually come round, or manage to explain their point of view to me. But its hard, as you can't make them do anything.
Financially, if he isn't in education, then he needs to contribute, unless you are able to finance his living, in which case, let him partake of that privilege. Its considered such a negative to be privileged in any way nowadays, but my thinking is why not? For example, DS2 has had the privilege of space to start and continue his business, which he is now very successful at, because he is living in his parents home. I am pleased that we are able to enable him this privilege. If you can continue to feed him, then, let him have this time. Ask him to do housework, as an adult, not a child.
Positive thoughts for you.

He needs routine and something to occupy him. Apprenticeship, work, college, even volunteer until he finds something else. A sport or other activity, try meetup.com.

I'd book an appointment with a careers advisor to look at his options. Most teenagers would sit around on their phones and be waited on hand and foot if given the opportunity.

Thank you for your replies.
He washes his hands an excessive amount of times everyday, everything has a certain place, if he knows he won't do something perfectly he won't do it, none of these are having a negative affect as such.
He says he will never drink alcohol, which is fine but that's obviously a reaction to his alcoholic dad, I cannot afford to subsidise him much longer but the way he sees things is making it hard to get him to be proactive with finding a job, he didn't go college, he hated school, he doesn't really like people. Apart from with people he knows he isn't very confident. I don't want him to think I'm only interested in him working and don't care how he feels but I would like him to have a better life

I am a late diagnosed autistic, having worked as a teacher of autism and then an expert in autism for the council, he is absolutely on the autistic spectrum, would he be open to seeking help/diagnosis?

@Emonade thank you for your reply, I would do anything to help him but at his age I cannot force anything, I have asked him if he will see the gp in the past but he never gives a straight answer, would the gp be the first point of contact?

No matter your expertise, please do not keyboard diagnose autism! 🙄 You cannot and should not say a stranger online HAS autism/is on the spectrum. You do not know this. Just wrong.

You say you can't afford to subsidise him much longer so you need to have a cards on the table conversation where you spell this out to him, show him bills & shopping receipts, talk to him about budgeting. Can't he understand that he can't expect you to support him to not work for the rest of his life & why does he expect you do?

Why? It’s just my opinion, I’m not giving a professional diagnosis, just my opinion. Do you know about autism?

yes GP should be fairly helpful. I think the thing is be there to support and when he does want some help be there but I understand how hard it must be for both of you, also to reiterate it is only my opinion and obviously there could be lots of reasons but it’s one that’s a possibility. Would he be open to volunteering someone that’s an interest of his?

Do these people get benefits or the tax people will look the household income?

Of course I bloody know about autism .. which is why I’m so enraged at your post! Just your opinion? - he is absolutely on the autistic spectrum - your words. You have never met this person so you absolutely cannot say these words. It’s that simple.

Goodness. I have reiterated that it’s only a possibility.

My son was like this from age 17-20. Just stayed in bed all day and got up at night to cook something to eat. I just left him to it. He got over it, realised he was wasting his life and started getting jobs and working. Now he's got a good career, having started at the bottom. House, mortgage, wife and kids. It'll all come right in the end, I'm sure, OP.

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Yes you’ve said that later when challenged. But your original words were he is on the spectrum - which you don’t know at all.

Unless he has a lot of savings, he would definitely be eligible to claim Universal Credit, but he would need to search for a job as otherwise he would be sanctioned, unless he was deemed to not be fit for work. This is where a diagnosis of his possible ASD would come into play.

Why should he get any benefits? He's not doing anything whatsoever to gain employment.

Because unemployed people claim benefits. What a stupid remark!

I clearly stated in my post that he would only be entitled to claim Universal Credit if he was actively seeking work, or if there were health reasons why he couldn't work at this particular time. Aside from that, I don't make the rules, so not sure why you are asking me the question?

How do you think unemployed people with little or no savings survive? Do you expect them to live on fresh air?

Obviously if it's hard to find a job, people will be claiming benefits.

I have masters yet never held a job longer than 2 years. Have a child with needs, what I'm supposed to do if my husband died andy child grew up to be like me?! Of course we will need to eat and be sheltered