What to do about my son.

[ihatecaramel]

My son will be 19 in may, it's just us, me and his alcoholic dad went our separate ways around 7 years ago, best decision I ever made. He left and didn't bother with DS which has definitely affected my DS.
He has a weird outlook on life, why would anyone want to work just to pay bills and survive, he says it looks like a miserable existence, he says he doesn't feel the automatic love for me and his family that he thinks he should, but says he respects and
cares for us. He is very sensitive, doesn't take any criticism very well at all, he is helpful if I ask for help with anything, he can cook his own meals, strip his bed etc he's not useless but, he doesn't want to drive, doesn't want to work and doesn't care if he doesn't leave the house for months on end,
I've asked him to get a job as at his age it's only fair he contributes, I feel he should want to as a pride thing.
He always avoids answering me and I know he doesn't want to but I'm at a loss as to what to do, it isn't normal to stay in like he does, I think he could be ND and have said he needs to see a doctor but as with everything he just ignores the issue.
He ls a nice person, he's respectful and helpful but it's not enough anymore.
Please can you give me some advice as to what I can possibly do.

Thank you

OP, can you show him how much it costs to house yourself, feed yourself, wash yourself, clothe yourself and heat your home? Even if you never leave the house? Because he will have to do those things when you are dead. It's a matter of practicalities. Even if you are a home owner with mortgage paid off, there will still be house insurance, council tax and maintenance.

Why?

My dd has ASD. I recognise a lot of this.

Could he claim Pip

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow sorry, I don't know what ASD is? Does your DD have similar traits?

ASD is autistic spectrum disorder.

She likes to stay at home, gets stressed by normal every day things, can be lovely and helpful, but cries and gets upset a lot.

So he's been at home since he left school. He needs to get a job and it's going to be really difficult as he has no employment experience.
Sit him down and explain that he's got to pay his way, it's not fair on you.

@ByQuaintAzureWasp I wish it was that simple

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow oh ok. He's very sensitive and doesn't deal well with any type of criticism. Has no care for money or material things. He went to work with my friend on a farm and quit after a few hours, he said it wasn't for him and he see absolutely nothing wrong with not seeing the day out, his thinking is quite literal, to him, he didn't like it so why would he continue. He'll take the bins out and get shopping from the car, if I ask him for help he has no issue with that, he is smart but I think could be taken advantage of, one year he asked for a certain thing for Xmas and then gave it to his friend and I said but that was for you and he said but he likes it and I'm not bothered

There’s a difference between seeing traits of ASD in written word online and saying your child/young person definitely has ASD/is definitely on the spectrum. You cannot and should not keyboard diagnose any disability. Wording is everything.

You need to build up his independence. Does he have any friends or hobbies? Is he able to go out and about by himself?

Soooo he is an adult who has failed to fledge. Possibly neuro divergent but undiagnosed. What does he spend all day doing currently? I suspect he lives an existence of late nights, sleep in and lots of screens but you tell me.

Of course not, but I expect people to look for work whilst getting dole money. The same as I did.

Really? Stupid to point out people who claim unemployment benefits need to be looking for employment? I had to whenever I was unemployed.

He has friends from school and he is in contact daily, he very occasionally goes to one of their houses.
He loves animals and learning about them and then will reel off numerous facts to me, he watches a lot of animal documentaries, he has a PlayStation but rarely uses it, it's just not his thing, he used to run but had a scare whilst running (a dog chased him and was pulling at his clothes) and completely stopped, he does a little weight training at home, spends quite a lot of time in the shower and washing his hands, he will cook his own food when I'm not there, he changes his own bed, hoovers his room, dusts etc so he isn't a slob/lazy but I don't know how to help him out of this to become more independent and help with the bills, I know my family talk about him behind our backs which I find upsetting and annoying.

Nobody is saying that isn't the case! I will reiterate, if you claim Universal Credit you are expected to look for work unless you have a health condition or disability that prevents you from working. If you don't actively look for work, you will be sanctioned and lose your benefits.

Could you find him something to do with animals? There are courses, though may be none near you. Walk dogs? If he has no experience of doing so, he couid join the website 'Borrow my doggie' and offer to walk local dogs - could lead to work as a dog walker (though you're not meant to pay with that website, but he could look for dog walking companies to apply to if he enjoyed it). Work in a pet shop? Anything really that would get him started on something outside the home.

It was stupid to say ‘why should he get any benefits’. It made you sound like a jealous spoilt brat. Why should he not? He’s unemployed so is entitled to benefits. Upon accessing those benefits he will learn he has to look for work to get those benefits. Unless of course he’s given LCWRA.

I agree - autism specialist for over 20 years and not qualified to diagnose, especially from one Internet post.

I know you tried a farm but is there anything else animal related (and less mucky) that he might be interested in doing to get him out of the house a bit more? Like volunteering for an animal charity, maybe a charity shop or an animal santuary, or he could even volunteer to do some home based online admin for a charity. Or maybe he could join a local beekeeping association. They always need extra pairs of hands and you don't need to have your own bees to get involved.
If not then I would focus on getting him to do more in the house. You are working so he could be doing all the cleaning, washing, food shopping, meal prep, meal planning, gardening some basic DIY, odd jobs like posting parcels. The more of this he does the more he will be ready when he has to leave home and the easier your life will be. It will also help his confidence.

As it should be.

And who said it shouldn't? Nobody.