Adults at home

[shaqueena25]

Daughter is 25 BF is 24 ... daughter lives at home still with me and husband .
Everytime boyfriend stays here we have a row as I feel my daughter really takes the mick .
For eg this morning they got up at around 10.30 am and went out shopping at 11.30. At 2.30 they were home and both got straight back into bed pyjamas back on . This really pees me off as it's as if they cannot stay out of bed . If I said nowt they would both be back asleep all afternoon .
Am I being unreasonable to not agree with this ? They make me feel like I am . Husband also goes mad about this . Opinions please

Even with the update @shaqueena25 , I don’t get what your issue is? You’ve mostly just said what it’s not.

And some pp need to unclench (as the saying goes on MN). I had that childhood where partners weren’t allowed to stay over, and 101 other restrictions and rules. It was oppressive and I think it missed an important opportunity to renegotiate family boundaries/relationships as you get to 18/19. Treating everyone as if they’re a very young teen is exhausting and does nothing for adult relationships. I’ve done things completely differently with my dd (19).

How have you done things with your DD?

I am confused. The only problem you seem to have is that they don't do chores
Otherwise you have said you don't have a problem with all the other stuff. A long list of what you don't object to. What do you object to?

Culturally, as I have said, I am a prudish controlling conservative who needs to unclench and doesnt allow partners. But I am quite content with that, just as I will never charge rent because of my cultural background. I could just as easily call parents who charge rent mean and stingy, but we all draw our own boundaries. .Mine do chores though.

So what is your objection?

That they do no housework?

If so, bring that up with your daughter.

@greengreyblue much less restrictive I guess would be the headline! She’s been allowed a full social life (wild concept, but I wasn’t), no curfew, friends welcome (encouraged!) to stay over/get ready at ours, honest and open conversations about any topics, zero reason to lie to me, welcome to wear what she likes, boyfriend fine to stay over once it’s clear that it’s a serious relationship. I think my very strict childhood was fine, up to a point, but I went to uni completely clueless and I didn’t want that for my dd. It’s good to make mistakes whilst you’re a short Uber away and things are pretty solvable vs cramming all your mistakes in later because it’s a massive novelty. I do have things I’m strict about- manners and schoolwork were/are both a big deal for me, but I don’t think it’s one extreme or the other. Kids can be clever, kind, well rounded, ambitious, hardworking AND have a boyfriend stay over at 18/19…

So you just don’t like them relaxing in bed. Does she have a sofa or armchairs in her room?

My parents wouldn't allow unmarried couples to sleep in the same room - I totally respected their decision but I had my own priorities - my bf and I were going to be apart for 3 months and I didn't want to waste a night together so when visiting my parents I suggested we stay at a local hotel - that was worse, because then whole village would know we were shacking up together, so they reluctantly agreed to us sharing a bed.😂
Well done to all those whose kids do their fair share of chores, mine did before they went to Uni but now they are back they seem to think it's a hotel - we don't charge rent but I am considering getting a cleaner and charging cleaning fees.

@Bibbetybobbity I have done similar with my now adult DDs. I do have to curb my initial reaction to some things and remain neutral( a hangover from my Catholic upbringing ) when they are more open than I would have been with my mum. I do however think I don’t need to know everything . I’m their mum not best friend. I do t mind a steady bf staying over occasionally but would draw the line at every weekend. I want my privacy too.

So what is your actual problem? Like in what way is it actually affecting or bothering you?

Sounds like just jealousy or judgement.

What she does with her time is not your business. So long as she's doing the housework agreed to and paying the rent agreed.

@greengreyblue agreed, and I’ve found it hard at times not to react (also catholic upbringing) and agree that it’s a balance. I’m not trying to impress my dd and I haven’t got everything right of course. Parenting is hard. Going back to the op, I wouldn’t think that adults in pjs is the biggest issue going, so I’m struggling to understand that.

She’s not helping around the house and instead is lazing around in bed in the middle of the day with her bf. So effectively has a regular guest using the facilities and is not pulling her weight. So OP you need to set some ground rules .

I agree - this appears to be the problem.

If you let them come in they won't be strangers anymore. Will you let them in when married.

My adult dds come and go as they please and I would not dream of dictating how they spend their time or waking them if they want to nap. They are adults not children!!

They both work full time so pay board. I don't ask them to do house work as they both regularly babysit for me. But I would otherwise expect them to have a couple of tasks a week. They do their own laundry and cooking. I don't ask their bfs to contribute as they are guests.

I'd reflect on why you are so frustrated? And apologise for treating them like children. If you do want your dd to contribute ask her to do a task or two. Probably easier if it was set so she doesn't have to be asked every time.

That numbered list provided zero explanation for what your issue is, can you clarify?
Get her to perform household chores like any functional adult.

I feel when bf stays 3days/2 nights every week, they should feel the need to contribute, and to not do so is poor manners on their part.

So, can you explain to us what the issue actually is then ?

As you now seem to be saying you don't object to anything that seemed to be annoying you in the OP.