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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Adults at home

67 replies

shaqueena25 · 25/01/2025 15:03

Daughter is 25 BF is 24 ... daughter lives at home still with me and husband .
Everytime boyfriend stays here we have a row as I feel my daughter really takes the mick .
For eg this morning they got up at around 10.30 am and went out shopping at 11.30. At 2.30 they were home and both got straight back into bed pyjamas back on . This really pees me off as it's as if they cannot stay out of bed . If I said nowt they would both be back asleep all afternoon .
Am I being unreasonable to not agree with this ? They make me feel like I am . Husband also goes mad about this . Opinions please

OP posts:
WhatwouldStevieNicksthink · 25/01/2025 19:12

Lentilweaver · 25/01/2025 17:29

I just dont allow partners in my home.

Why is that @Lentilweaver ?

When DD(20) is home from uni, we let her bf stay over (he lives nearby, they started dating in 6th form) but he prefers to go to his parents and hole up in his room whereas I think they should interact with DH and me like normal people.

Iloveeverycat · 25/01/2025 19:15

Lentilweaver · 25/01/2025 17:29

I just dont allow partners in my home.

You must be fun to live with.

mollymazda · 25/01/2025 19:16

Lentilweaver · 25/01/2025 17:30

Note: I charge no rent. Not a penny.

eh?

mollymazda · 25/01/2025 19:19

my DD lives at home with us while she saves for a house. She works, she pays her board and keep, she does her own shopping and yes her BF stays over. if she wants to stay in bed all day thats upto her.

She's an adult.. what would you say if you decided to have a day in bed and your child started moaning and complaining about it to you

KnittingOnEmpty · 25/01/2025 19:37

Is it that they don't interact with you at all or leave dirty dishes/mess around? Maybe you feel that they 'treat your home like a hotel'? I get how that could feel disrespectful. Or are you hoping for them to make your home more lively because there's something lacking?

Whatever it is, they're young and at that age you're still a bit thoughtless. But if they're not pulling their weight, tell them.

WhatwouldStevieNicksthink · 25/01/2025 20:47

Iloveeverycat · 25/01/2025 19:15

You must be fun to live with.

Show quote history

Don't be silly.

It's Lentil's house so she gets to make the rules. Nothing to do with being fun or not.

kiana2015 · 25/01/2025 20:51

I had a friend whose house I hated staying over at as if we were still sleeping past 8am her mum would barge in open the curtains and scream at us to get up. Some people do believe you should be up and productive through the day, which is fine but not everyone has to follow suit

stomachamelon · 25/01/2025 21:17

@kiana2015 my parents were like that and Tbf I was still in bunk beds with my sister at 18.
I have tried to unclench and let my sons conduct respectful long term relationships under my roof. I like to meet partners and build a relationship as I live there too and it's my space.

OP you need to work out what you feel annoyed about? Is it the lounging? The going back to bed? Would some rules help? @shaqueena25

Onlycoffee · 25/01/2025 22:29

Not sure what the problem is. What they do in her room is their own business!
As for putting their pjs back on, no different to casual lounge wear, sounds completely normal.

yipyipyop · 25/01/2025 22:35

What's it to you? How weird and controlling. Let them enjoy their weekend.

Lentilweaver · 25/01/2025 22:49

Iloveeverycat · 25/01/2025 19:15

You must be fun to live with.

Show quote history

Well, I may not be fun but I am cheap!

@WhatwouldStevieNicksthink because I dont want strange people in my small home, as I said. I don't charge rent so if DC feel hard done by, they can move out to a house share(which one will do shortly)

mollyfolk · 25/01/2025 23:44

It's completely harmless but would also drive me mad.

I really hope my kids don't move partner's in. I'll have to start following some really strict religion that doesn't allow it.

StormingNorman · 25/01/2025 23:56

I don’t understand what the problem is. Adult DC only have their own room for personal space and the bed seems the obvious place to sit. I’m struggling to see the problem with changing into their pyjamas either. Much more comfortable than sitting around in jeans.

What would you rather they were doing?

greengreyblue · 26/01/2025 07:26

But getting into bed in the afternoon? Depends if a one off or every weekend. If the latter it’s a bit slobbish. So much to enjoy in life.

greengreyblue · 26/01/2025 07:27

mollyfolk · 25/01/2025 23:44

It's completely harmless but would also drive me mad.

I really hope my kids don't move partner's in. I'll have to start following some really strict religion that doesn't allow it.

Why would they move partners in without your say so? You can say no.

yipyipyop · 26/01/2025 07:35

mollyfolk · 25/01/2025 23:44

It's completely harmless but would also drive me mad.

I really hope my kids don't move partner's in. I'll have to start following some really strict religion that doesn't allow it.

He doesn't live there he just stays over.

Remotemouse · 26/01/2025 08:09

Your house your rules. If it annoys you then it's reasonable, to say so. Your dd is an adult if she doesn't like it she can just suck it up or move out.
There were many things I didn't like about living with my parents - but I respected their right to make the rules, I always had the option to leave when those rules didn't suit me.
No idea how this all happened where grown-up children have started to try to rule the roost, they stay because it saves them money, but with that comes obligations.
I have had to put my foot down several times, things start small and then escalate to a point where an occasional situation becomes an every day, they always seem shocked that I have a right to say no.
I allow bf to stay at the weekend but not during the week, I get asked "Can we just do Wednesday & Sunday? - NO! I have made it clear that I will no have a situation where they effectively cohabit in my house and I will not explain why I don't want this - it's my house - if they don't like it, there are other options for them. It's time we took back control of our homes!

greengreyblue · 26/01/2025 08:14

Does she have plans to move out? If not , why not?

BilboBlaggin · 26/01/2025 08:17

How often is the bf staying? If it's only at weekends then I'd let them get on with it, providing they're tidying after themselves and DD is doing her share of any chores that need doing. Chores don't disappear just because you have your bf over.

Let's be honest, they don't want to be sitting on the sofa making small talk all afternoon, and probably have completely different tastes in tv programmes. They'll want to be able to chat in private together without parents listening in.

Original poster
shaqueena25 · 26/01/2025 08:22

Thanks everyone for your opinions let me just clarify a few things

  1. I've got no objection to wearing pyjamas in the house whatsoever
  2. They had been out of bed for 3 hours
  3. Neither offer to help out at home
  4. I don't consider my objection to be controlling in any way shape or form
  5. As some have said our house our rules I had to respect my mum and dads rules at home
  6. No I don't want them to sit and have cups of tea with us . We are very close and do lots of stuff together as in days out and holidays
  7. I'm all for chilling at the weekend and yes I do it myself often however I don't get into bed
  8. I've not got an issue sex wise that's their business entirely !
OP posts:
orangewasp · 26/01/2025 08:23

Mine is similar, it doesn't bother me - I get on with my life and let them do the same. I don't shop, cook, clean or do laundry for them though and they pay keep for bills, so the oarent - child dynamic has been broken.

yipyipyop · 26/01/2025 08:27

If you have no objection to wearing pjs in the house why are you complaining about it?

Aftergloww · 26/01/2025 08:31

You say your house your rules but so far we haven’t read what these rules actually entail. Are they even aware they’re causing an issue?

If they’re out and then back into bed, what do they need to help out with exactly? Unless they’re making a mess or taking the food and not helping cleaning up, that’s a different story.

There’s just not enough information on what the problem is.

greengreyblue · 26/01/2025 08:35

So it’s the getting into bed in the day that’s the issue. It is strange but it’s hard to find a reason why you object so much. Having said that I wouldn’t like it and would wonder why they can’t just watch tv on the bed in their clothes . Again though, there’s no real reason to stop them. I would be having a chat about when she’s moving out as she’s not helping out around the house and has a different lifestyle to you. Time to spread her wings and learn how to live as an independent adult.

BarbedButterfly · 26/01/2025 08:55

You sound really controlling. How they choose to spend their time is up to them