I miss looking after them

RestitutionGranted · 15/01/2025 12:45

No one tells you about the empty feeling you have - which feels permanent and like a kind of grief/longing.

No answer just empathy. Mine are just at uni but I’m dreading when they are totally gone.

Nellyelephanty · 15/01/2025 12:46

I go to a playgroup and there’s some lovrly
women who help out and cuddle my kids. I enjoy it!
Can you help out at church playgroup or volunteer for Homestart to help struggling families. You could use your nurturing skills and really help out some families

Imgoingtobefree · 15/01/2025 12:53

I was fine when my DC moved out. But I have recently divorced and am now single and living on my own. It was a long and abusive marriage and I have undergone therapy.

I actually feel similar to you. Through therapy I have realised I don’t really have an Inner Child. My strongest identity is as a Mother. So I am trying to pursue an identity where I do things that benefit others. This brings meaning to my life.

I wonder if that would help you? Obviously your children are the most important thing to you but maybe you need to start looking for substitute groups of people/animals to help? Volunteer/charity etc.

It’s also important to start learning to please yourself. Perhaps try a Brain Dump and write down everything and anything you like or used to like doing that would spark some joy.

I read recently that we need novelty, connection and meaning to feel fulfilled.

Boffle · 15/01/2025 12:59

@ssd I've seen you post on this before. I feel similar.
It does feel like some people sail through the empty nest thing easily, even prefer it and others have to work really hard.
Mine were back and forth for a few years at uni, then lockdown but both did brilliantly well and are settled away from home now.
I always found it harder after they had been home for Christmas or summer. That feeling got a little easier over the years.
Like you I embrace all that I can in life and yet, if I'm honest I do feel like the best chunk of my life was the 20+ years when I had them at home.
I don't know if it's because I had them later in life and had 20+ years with DH to do all the travel etc before having children.
But its such a true saying, you're only as happy as your least happy child. Whatever age they are.

It absolutely is true.

SnidelyWhiplash · 15/01/2025 13:07

I get it. My husband is the one that does the nurturing in terms of feeding and he misses having the kids home to cook for. I really do think the years you have your kids at home are the happiest and most wonderful of your life. But they are only on loan. Imagine the anxiety of having the opposite - adult kids that are still dependent and haven’t flown the nest.

Congratulate yourself on a job well done, enjoy the benefits an empty nest brings. Our house was noisy and full for 2 weeks over Christmas and we loved it, but we were SO happy when people buggered off.

Original poster

ssd · 15/01/2025 21:43

I'm not sure if i have an inner child, i wonder what that actually means? I do definitely thrive on nurturing people i love, i looked after my mum before she died. But i don't feel like i want to volunteer to look after others yet, I'm trying to find ways to enjoy looking after myself instead of finding it joyless, as its not the kids.

I don't know, I'm guessing it all takes time...

OP posts:

LostittoBostik · 15/01/2025 21:49

SnidelyWhiplash · 15/01/2025 13:07

I get it. My husband is the one that does the nurturing in terms of feeding and he misses having the kids home to cook for. I really do think the years you have your kids at home are the happiest and most wonderful of your life. But they are only on loan. Imagine the anxiety of having the opposite - adult kids that are still dependent and haven’t flown the nest.

Congratulate yourself on a job well done, enjoy the benefits an empty nest brings. Our house was noisy and full for 2 weeks over Christmas and we loved it, but we were SO happy when people buggered off.

I think this is a really good point. There are so many threads on here about adult children who have failed to launch and are seriously struggling to achieve independence in any form. That would awful. Your pride in them should also be pride in yourself too.

I can't offer any advice as mine are still only little, but I will say that it's probably easy to look back with rose tinted glasses. It is a lovely period of life, but its frustrations are immense

Rachmorr57 · 15/01/2025 21:56

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purpleme12 · 15/01/2025 22:20

That sounds really hard

Original poster

ssd · 15/01/2025 22:36

It is hard. You raise your kids to be self sufficient and independent and then the day comes when they are and you just feel bereft.....and like i said, I've got a life and friends and things i enjoy doing...but nothing makes up for missing them...

OP posts:

LostittoBostik · 15/01/2025 22:37

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So has the OP, according to her posts. She's just finding it a bit tricky right now.

CaraCameleon · 15/01/2025 22:43

ssd · 15/01/2025 12:40

I have to get this down somewhere safe , hopefully no one will come on and berate me for being stupid or not letting my kids grow up.
The fact us both my kids are grown up and have moved away after getting first class masters degrees. They are independent and decent people, of course I'm biased. They don't live near us now.

Anyway, the youngest recently moved out and i was sort of getting used to it, then they were home at xmas for a while and I'm back to square one.

I guess my form of looking after them is feeding them and trying to make life easier in general. One ds is going through something and i can't help and its killing me. But i know i have to let him, basically, and i am doing that.

But what i really struggle with is the fact i get no satisfaction from doing anything for myself. I don't know why. It just doesn't mean as much as doing it for the kids. I'm not a martyr, i work, have friends, a good marriage, dh and i do lots together.

But why does it feel like the heart's gone out of me now they are gone?

I'm not depressed, I'm about to go a good walk, its a nice day here.

But its such a true saying, you're only as happy as your least happy child. Whatever age they are.

I feel exactly the same. One of mine has had massive problems for years and it’s drained the life out of me. They are all living independently, and I don’t see them often. When they come back I love to see them but I find it very exhausting. The emptiness when they leave though is terrible. If I saw them more regularly it wouldn’t bother me so much .

I can relate to what you say about not finding joy in anything. Life just feels bleak. However we now have a grandchild and that has brought such joy into my life.

Your children sound amazing people. You must be so proud. How often do you see them?

CaraCameleon · 15/01/2025 22:48

I also think that some people are very maternal and if they don’t have an outlet for that it feels like there is no purpose to life. I have friends who struggled with motherhood and they are glad that phase is over. For me it was everything. Nothing else compensates.

Original poster

ssd · 15/01/2025 22:51

Yes, i am very maternal, i guess I've never thought of it like that before. I see them now and then, one more than the other due to distance.
I just miss them being around.

OP posts:

ReturnToTomorrow · 15/01/2025 22:54

This is the female curse - that we believe we only exist to service others. Many men believe and take advantage of this character trait (read 80%of relationship threads). I have adult daughters and have made it my life's mission to disabuse them of this notion. I now have granddaughters and will do my best to make sure they value themselves as individuals, not just by what they can do for others.

CaraCameleon · 15/01/2025 22:56

It’s not as simple as that. Personally I think it has a lot to do with your own childhood. I wasn’t well parented and my family life was cold and uncaring. I didn’t feel I had a family so creating one of my own meant some sort of emotional security. I suspect that some mothers who struggle with the loss of their own family are triggered back into that lonely isolated state.

purpleme12 · 15/01/2025 22:57

So true

ReturnToTomorrow · 15/01/2025 23:10

Whatever the reason, it does women no favours to fall on their knees before the altar of serving others. No favours at all. Men exploit it and children don't appreciate it.

CaraCameleon · 15/01/2025 23:17

ReturnToTomorrow · 15/01/2025 23:10

Whatever the reason, it does women no favours to fall on their knees before the altar of serving others. No favours at all. Men exploit it and children don't appreciate it.

Well, thanks for your pearls of wisdom and your empathy.

mondaytosunday · 15/01/2025 23:18

My youngest has gone off to uni this year. My eldest (21) left at 18. I'm totally fine being on my own but of course miss them. I am in contact with them every day though.
But maybe because I didn't have them til my 40s or get married too til then but I don't have that feeling of being empty because I have no one to take care of. Find it quite liberating to be on my own again (I'm a widow).

saraclara · 15/01/2025 23:21

I am widowed, I'm retired, I have a fulfilling life where I'm useful to others through a professional type of volunteering, and I travel a lot, solo independent backpacking in countries seen as 'difficult'. So no-one can accuse me of having no sense of self and purpose (as some are already lining up to do to OP).

But yes, I miss being an 'every day' mother as well. Cooking for just me, bores me to tears. I also have one DD that I worry about but know i can't interfere. I just miss them being here

So I get it. And it's not as simple as not having anything else to do. I could fill my days with even more worthy and fascinating activity that I enjoy, but I'd STILL feel this way.

saraclara · 15/01/2025 23:21

ReturnToTomorrow · 15/01/2025 23:10

Whatever the reason, it does women no favours to fall on their knees before the altar of serving others. No favours at all. Men exploit it and children don't appreciate it.

🙄

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 15/01/2025 23:27

It’s an emptiness that I really struggle to fill too. I try so hard to take joy in their happiness and confidence but…but…

Yes, their departure after Christmas just makes me go through it all again.

colgatedazzle · 15/01/2025 23:34

@saraclara I don't think I've fallen on that altar. I have a successful, fulfilling career, a great marriage and a full life. My adult dc are all doing very well.

Yet, I miss them so much, it's like a huge gaping wound that won't heal. A vast, yawning emptiness.

I'm seeing one on Saturday, I've been so excited all week. She rang tonight to change the time to a few hours later. I acted all cool then burst into tears when I came off the phone. I know, ridiculous!

colgatedazzle · 15/01/2025 23:36

Sorry that was for @ReturnToTomorrow