I miss looking after them

[ssd]

I have to get this down somewhere safe , hopefully no one will come on and berate me for being stupid or not letting my kids grow up.
The fact us both my kids are grown up and have moved away after getting first class masters degrees. They are independent and decent people, of course I'm biased. They don't live near us now.

Anyway, the youngest recently moved out and i was sort of getting used to it, then they were home at xmas for a while and I'm back to square one.

I guess my form of looking after them is feeding them and trying to make life easier in general. One ds is going through something and i can't help and its killing me. But i know i have to let him, basically, and i am doing that.

But what i really struggle with is the fact i get no satisfaction from doing anything for myself. I don't know why. It just doesn't mean as much as doing it for the kids. I'm not a martyr, i work, have friends, a good marriage, dh and i do lots together.

But why does it feel like the heart's gone out of me now they are gone?

I'm not depressed, I'm about to go a good walk, its a nice day here.

But its such a true saying, you're only as happy as your least happy child. Whatever age they are.

you're only as happy as your least happy child I’ve never heard that before, but it’s the truest thing I’ve ever read!

I can relate to this so much, thank you for sharing, OP.

If it's any consolation I think there are times many adult DC miss being looked after but unfortunately you can't go back, we all carry these memories and longings inside us.

Always seems to be one that will try to turn any and every thread into ‘all men are evil.’ It’s getting ridiculous.

But its such a true saying, you're only as happy as your least happy child.

Yes, so true. Two of mine are in their own homes with partners/children now. One still at uni. I’m pleased that they’re all doing their various things, and they’re happy, but they’ve all got stresses - jobs, money, bills, housing - it’s so hard to relinquish the role of ‘fixer’!

@ssd my sympathies. We have spoken about this on another thread and I completely get it.

I've had 3 move out over the years, but I was weirdly ok as I still had my youngest at home. They have now lived hours away at uni for the past few months, and I'm struggling.

I enjoy my me time definitely, and not being a daily taxi is a bonus too 😂 however they have been back for Xmas and are going away again at the weekend, and I am so so sad. I'm struggling already, although I can't let them see it.

I'll never not miss them or stop wishing they were closer, but equally I am so so proud of them for chasing their dreams and working so hard.

My only consolation is they are so happy in their new life. If they were miserable I think I'd find it hard not to beg them to come home again.

That's a bit smug and unhelpful.
The OP has a busy life with other interests but is different to you.

It's doubly hard dealing with the problems of adult children as you can't make it all better and you can't interfere.

My DC are finally both settled with lovely partners and jobs and need me even less than when they first left. Yes this is all good and I'm so proud of them and happy that their lives are going well but I so miss the looking after them and their company. They are clever, funny, kind adults and I love having them around.

It's odd because I was never the maternal sort. I was one of those you see posting on here aged 37 shall I have a baby or not. It was a cold biological clock decision and one I was terrified I would regret it. I don't like babies or small children to this day but my own - so different.

I dread the time when they only visit out of duty.

Thank you for all nice replies. I never understand fellow mums wanting to rubbish another mums feelings, but there you go.
I've been keeping busy today, out and about meeting friends. It helps keep busy, but that's no practical all the time.
Anyway its nice to know I'm not alone.

💐

I feel exactly the same too. My DS has all but moved in with his GF, my DD is back to Uni on Sunday and it will just be me and my DH. We've spent a lovely few weeks together and on Monday it will feel like a light has gone out. I've managed to produce two successful, independent adults of whom I'm very proud but it feels like the end. There's no joy when they're not around.

Yes its really flat here now

So true, for those of us lucky to have been loved and looked after. It's nice to be able to pay it forward.

I'm sorry you're finding it hard OP. My DS is younger and still needs me but I wonder if I'll feel this way later. I have always had a great career, wide social circle and at the moment have a wonderful boyfriend, but I discovered a decade ago that the reason I was put on this planet was to be a mum and it's not an instinct that will be easy to stifle.

I understand. Friends, hobbies, pets or a career aren’t the same as spending time with your favourite people.
I know it’s important to do all those things and I do.

I’m not as far on as you (my children are 17 and 14) but I really miss the closeness of very little children. I wish I’d spent more time enjoying it rather than worrying.

I really love looking after people - apart from my mum but that is a different matter!

Nothing like the sisterhood, eh?

ssd. I totally see where you are coming from. I'm going through a 'bereavement' with my eldest cutting the apron strings in the first year of uni at the moment and my youngest is 15.

I didn't ever really want to be a mother but it is the most natural thing in the world imo to feel as you do now.

Be kind to yourself and to women who are not being kind to SSD, just why? Does it make you feel better about yourselves that another woman is suffering common feelings about empty nesting?

Same here