Struggling with 18 yo

[InDespair2]

2 years ago my son, then 16 was arrested for possession of cocaine. The whole process took nearly a year to resolve and he was eventually issued with a community resolution order which in the grand scheme was not a bad outcome. I found the stress of it all unbearable and I am only getting worse.
On the surface he is responsible - holds down a job, gets promotions/pay rises and passed his apprenticeship with ease. However he gets very drunk regularly and is useless with money. He also gambles online and probably takes drugs (although I have no evidence for that), and lies to me a lot about what he’s doing, some of the lies being utterly pointless - which then makes me think he must be doing something awful or he would just tell me the truth. He constantly leaves the house with low battery on his phone meaning I can’t contact him although when he does have battery he rarely responds anyway. He has a big group of friends most of whom I think are ok but a couple I do not think much of at all.
Every time he leaves the house I’m an absolute mess. If he has battery I track him constantly, and over think incessantly imagining the awful scenarios which could materialise. I don’t sleep if he goes out at night and my heart palpitates constantly.
I have tried talking to him but his view is he has been in no trouble at all since age 16 so I should move on and treat him like an adult. My husband agrees with him, as do many of my friends (although I haven’t told many as tbh I’m a bit ashamed of the arrest and my inability to deal with it) I’m conscious that key relationships in my life are breaking down over this including probably the one with my son. I feel incredibly lonely and hopeless and I’m also angry with myself because when I’m thinking logically he’s probably only doing what most teenagers do. He says he wants to go to uni in September and has been offered places but I’m so scared he’ll do something stupid and end up in prison before he gets there.
i have completely run out of people to talk to. I’ve had counselling but it hasn’t helped and I now spend at least an hour a day crying. Luckily I have a job I love, but it is quite stressful and I’m conscious I’m not always as focused as I should be. I have two younger children who I barely even think about because I have no capacity left. This also makes me feel so worried and guilty. I really hope some of you have some insight to help me. Sorry for the long post.

hi, google local Al-Anon meetings- groups for families of addicts/alcoholics and try a few meetings to see if it helps. This is a place where you might find people who understand what you’re going through.

Hmm, sounds like your anxiety is disproportionate, especially if this is damaging relationships with other children and you are crying so much. What did the therapist say?

Are you projecting about him growing up and the loss of control? Tracking him so extensively is too much. I would have concerns if this were my son and probably hit the roof at the time but he's 18, an adult, and you say he does well at work, has a large social circle, seems to be looking to the future. Lots of young adults flirt with a bit of drinking and recreational drugs, what are these scenarios you are imagining all the time?

Not to minimise, but cocaine is rife. You haven't said your son is an addict and plenty of people, rightly or wrongly, use cocaine and have very vanilla lives otherwise. Maybe looking into the data on this will make you feel better

Hi Shady Lane / thank you for your reply. don’t actually think he’s an addict. The drunkenness is only at weekends and if he is taking drugs I think it’s recreational (although clearly that’s a slippery slope). Do you think these organisations could still help me? I tried a parenting support group but tbh everyone else’s problems were so huge I felt like an idiot being there and even more of a failure for not coping. I wish I could just pull myself together.

Hi Ruby Gemstone. Thank you for your reply. The therapist basically said what you said and gave me a few strategies to cope and although my worry eased a bit I couldn’t sustain it.
Tonight he has gone out he said to collect friends from the station but has ended up in the pub. He messaged to tell me who he was with but I don’t believe him as I saw on the tracker he’d been to a different lads house first - one I don’t particularly like. So in my mind he’s collected him so they can go and do a few drugs deals together which as I write it sounds crazy, but ultimately if you’d have told me I would spend a night in a police station with my son and then 12 months waiting for an outcome I would have thought that was crazy too. I’m also now worried he’ll drink drive so I’ve messaged to say I’ll pay for a taxi home which I realise is bonkers but the alternative him killing someone on the way home seems worse.
I agree my worry is disproportionate and also that cocaine is everywhere so your post is actually really helpful. Those were the things my husband and friends used to say before they got utterly sick of the way I behave. Thank you.

The problem with cocaine is that even if use is sparse, over the years he’s still at risk of it creeping up on him, especially if he has coupled it with alcohol and gambling. I honestly hate how normalised it is in the UK, it fucking baffles me.

Have you and him directly discussed your worries? How does he react?

Hi GladSquid. Thank you. I completely agree - I have never taken it in my life but since going through all this I realise I’m in the minority. A family member told me she didn’t stop taking it till she was 36 - she’s one of the most successful people I know which in an odd sort of way I guess is good.
I have spoken to him - he just says I’m a control freak and treat him like a kid. Just says he doesn’t take drugs which might even be true because having now spent hours googling signs of addiction he doesn’t have any of them. He was really good straight after the arrest at keeping in touch when out but I guess he feels time has moved on and as he is now 18, it’s none of my business how he lives his life. Trouble is he lives at home and is financially dependent on us. I think I probably need to ease off a bit but I’m just finding it so hard mainly because the constant lies mean I don’t trust him. But then again all this questioning of him gets me nowhere either. Thank you again.

Kindly, this sounds like a you problem, and I would investigate further therapy. It can take several tries to find the right therapist.

It was obviously a shocking event for you, you had the rug pulled from under you, it can be very destabilising, and you now seem to be acutely aware that you don't know whats round the corner. However, nothing about you've said about your son's evening is abnormal and he really shouldn't need to account for his whereabouts to you. Sometimes, I go out for one reason bump into some friends, end up at a bar, then may go back to one of theirs before heading home. All very normal. I wouldn't feel I needed to account for myself.

Your son will have ups and downs throughout life and you cannot control these. You will never again sit in a police station with him, because he is over 18. He could be arrested, charged and prosecuted and never tell you, because he is an adult. You can track and doubt as much as you like but it won't change the outcome of anything.

It sounds like this has become obsessive, maybe compulsive and you are channeling huge amounts of energy into this. I'd guess you feel if you can get ahead of this the rug can never be pulled again but you know that isn't realistic. I would honestly do anything you can to gain some in person support, not for your son, but for your own mental health. As he branches out, goes to uni and grows up he is going to slip and then pull away from you more and more, you need to deal with this now before you give yourself a breakdown.

@InDespair2 to be honest you described multiple things that are signs of addiction - bad with money, frequent lying, alcohol and gambling. All of these go massively hand in hand with cocaine usage.

I’m honestly shocked at the nonchalant attitude to cocaine here because I can 100% see where you’re coming from. I guess I’ll never get used to it’s normalisation.

If he’s financially dependent on you, how does he afford going out?

He earns a good salary. He pays us rent and the rest goes on socialising and gambling as far as I can see. But he is financially dependent for a roof over his head. When I said he had no symptoms of addiction I meant physical symptoms. I do agree all of the above could be signs of addiction or it could just be normal teenage behaviour . It is so hard to know. He prob doesn’t get any more drunk than I did age 18 and I certainly did lie to my parents. I didn’t gamble but then I would have had to walk in the bookies, not do it at the click of a button. And I certainly never got arrested nor do anything that would have got me arrested. But then I guess judging him by standards in the 1990’s is irrelevant and pointless - like most of my reaction. It is good to know you understand my worry.

Thank you RubyGemstone. I agree my reaction is not good and I’ve emailed a few counsellors today. I do think though that as long as he’s living at home he needs to keep us updated about what he’s doing. I agree the night’s plans can change but actually I would always let the family know if I was going to back later than planned. It’s now 2 am - he went out 4-5 hours ago to collect friends from the station and has not reappeared and his battery is dead. I actually think it’s completely selfish. I have told him keeping in touch is non-negotiable but that’s a nonsense as he continues to not stay in touch and I’m powerless to do anything about it unless I throw him out which clearly I do not want to do. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me- I think you have made valid points.

Absolutely agree with this post.

I get you OP. My son has only dabbled in weed (AFAIK) but he’s had mental health issues and my worries about him have been off the scale.

The thing is, worrying about him doesn’t get either of us anywhere and it massively impacts my ability to be there for my other DC.

The big thing IMO is not to alienate him. You can’t control him. But you can try to stay as a central person in his life.

It’s too late for me to write more but I hope he comes home soon. At some point you do have to go to bed and let him roll in when he likes. He could be at uni and you’d have no idea of his hours.

I feel for you OP and I wish you well.

@InDespair2

Just pointing out that you can reply to individual posters by typing @ and the first few letters of their username and then selecting them from the list. Not sure if you knew that! Apologies if you did.

@YourGladSquid

I too am really shocked about the attitude to cocaine. We live in a sleepy little village and only last week I was told it’s going around d two local pubs. I actually dismissed it as ridiculous gossip…but maybe…?

@InDespair2

I completely get your worries and knowing my own worries I’d also be off the scale right now. All I can say is that young people just don’t think. He wasn’t where he said he’d be because he probably got a call to pick up the lad you don’t like. He did message to tell you who he was with. Most young people would not do that at 18 and honestly, if you keep insisting on this level of scrutiny you will suffocate him and push him away but I totally get why you do it.

Young people’s plans change all the time. For example I have 5 messages all from my DD earlier today, about whether she’d be home tonight.. 5 different plans of varying degrees and in the end did none of them. My DS (21) went out on Friday two weeks ago, sent one message saying he was staying out all night and didn’t come home til Sunday night. It’s just what young people do and truly I’ve had to switch off as I was becoming obsessed with tracking too and realised it’s not healthy.

I think the drinking you mention is normal, but more worrying is the gambling and being reckless with money as these can be drug related symptoms but not always. I know a lot about gambling and it can be a slippery slope. How much/often is he gambling and how do you know?

The way you are feeling and behaving is making you feel ill. Al Anon is about dealing with your behaviour when reacting to someone who’s drinking or drug use is bothering you. People saying your reaction is disproportionate is besides the point as it is your reaction- go to a few meetings and see if it changes how you feel. You can’t control him but you may start to feel better which might help. Good luck.

@Prettydisgustingactually oh definitely - every pub at night, cocaine will be around. How do I know? My DP worked at a pub… and is currently sitting in rehab. That’s why it makes me so sad to see people normalise it. I had no idea it was a thing before he took on that job.
My DD had told me some stories about her friends and classmates, but I always thought she was exaggerating because to me the idea of teenagers using cocaine is completely bizarre. It’s highly unusual in my home country, but here I know of people even using it with their parents.

@InDespair2 if you can find an active al-anon group would you mind sharing? I couldn’t find anything before but maybe I just don’t know how to look for it properly.

If your DS has his own money to go out it’s going to be very difficult for you to keep an eye on it. I hope everything goes well.

Thank you to everyone for your replies. He eventually came in at 3:15 am pretty drunk. although good news he didn’t drive home. I asked him where he’d been and he said he didn’t remember so my immediate thought is if there has been trouble and the police get involved he’s got a problem. Either that or he was somewhere he shouldn’t be so he’s lying (again).
I am so angry. This has completely mucked up my day as I’ve slept in late and now have to fit in time to get his car. I’m studying currently and trying to run a home as well I can do without this hassle.
@Prettydisgustingactually he tells me sometimes about the gambling and I don’t think he’s alone. Most of them do it to varying degrees, mostly on football. I tell myself it can’t be that serious as his money would be up and down all month but by the middle of the month he’s totally run out and has to stay in (which honestly is great but I hate that he can’t budget). Can you tell me some more about how you managed to switch off and stop tracking? I am pleased you have been able to do this.
@yourgladsquid I’m sorry to hear of your experience. This must be so hard. I also know of people who do it with their kids in home. It makes me really angry as is clearly such a stupid thing to do but makes me look very uncool in the eyes of my son. I haven’t been able to find any groups either but will keep looking.
@jinglebe thanks for sharing your experience. I am sorry to hear about your son. I hope things turn out well for you and him. Have you managed to reduce your worries and if so, how?
@shadylane thank you for acknowledging my worries. Just telling myself they are disproportionate is getting me nowhere and makes me feel so lonely. It is great to be understood.
Thank you to everyone for getting me through the night . I am truly grateful. Xx

Gosh I can relate to this anxiety far more than I'd like. I'd be worried out of my mind too. But, it's really good that he's got a job and progressing with uni plans. It's sadly very normal for a lot of young people to dabble. And yy to pp that cocaine is often rife in villages because there's little else for young people to do.

Absolutely second finding another therapist, maybe one who specialises in d&a issues and/or relationships/family therapy? Also CBT for your anxiety. I would also speak to your gp as some antidepressants are really good at taking the edge off.

Just try as hard as you can to keep the lines of communication open. Have conversations about mental health, and that everyone is different in how drugs affect them. One minute everything can seem fine and enjoyable but can take a big downward spiral.

Talk to him about midweek come downs, hangovers and how as you get older your body is less resistant to bouncing back. Tell him to look out for his friends too.

Let him know you're always there for him if things take a down turn, but that there are ground rules and consequences if things get out of hand.

Tell him that if his behaviour changes or if he stops going to work because of the after effects, that's a big line to cross and he'll need to quit if he wants to stay living at home. Ditto with the gambling.

Does he pay you rent? Does he help around the house? Can you put the rent up so he has less disposable income? (You could put this away in savings for him without him knowing). Can you use the amount of rent he pays as leverage? So if he causes you strife the rent/amount he has to do will go up?

Does he have any other hobbies or interests you can support/encourage him to take further?

@Seaworthy thank you. He is generally very hard to talk to - he flies off the handle easily. Occasionally it is possible to have a sensible conversation but I find it all exhausting and therefore don’t try as much as I should.
He does pay rent which causes problems as he says only one of his friends is also asked to pay rent. I think this is prob true and it baffles me why parents would let their kids stay at home rent free. He has been known to just cancel his direct debit so I don’t think putting the rent up is a good option. He has also got himself in financial difficulty with loans and is currently on a charity repayment plan so I don’t want to deter him paying that back. To be fair he sorted out the repayment plan himself and lets us check every month it’s being paid.
he used to play football but it slowly dwindled out as it has with most of the team. He very occasionally swims or uses the gym.
To be fair he goes to work every day and has been working long hours and coping fine. He never calls in sick and seems ((as far as I know anyway) to be doing well. But really this is just normal behaviour and not something he should be applauded for.
I am sorry to hear you identify with my anxiety and hope you have some coping mechanisms. I am definitely going to try some different counselling .Thank you again.

@InDespair2
I will reply more fully with how I’ve coped with/without tracking later. Just one thing I noticed in your post above where you say he gets up for work every day, works long hours and is doing well at work and never calls in sick. You say ‘this is just what he should be doing and not not something he should be applauded for. With this I disagree, because honestly so many young people are just not doing this. Many don’t want to work or will go in late, call in sick at the sign of a sniff, don’t want overtime. I agree this is what he should be doing and he’s doing it, so this is where you praise him. My DC both have great work ethics and I praise them for this. If you are pulling them up in other areas you have to have some positives too. Next time he comes in from a long day make him a cuppa and say “I’m so proud of how hard you work etc” Don’t say “I know you e made mistakes but now work hard” Just a simple praise with no negatives…and yes it’s bloody hard when you’re so annoyed at other stuff x

He's an adult and needs to make his own choices at the end of the day. You can only dictate the ground rules and conditions of him living at home, in terms of considerate behaviour etc. So never drugs or under the influence at home, especially if younger children there. Clean room and contribution to housework, cooking, food and bills? Does he pay for all of his own things - phones and clothes etc? Is there anything he shares use of you can remove access too if necessary?

Can you still reward and make big things of the things he does well? Buy him gym/club membership/luxuries (on condition of xyz and that can be removed if he messes up).

No idea why others don't charge rent - that's bonkers. We will be as soon as in full time employment. Will likely put it away in secret savings for them.

X-post with @Prettydisgustingactually - really agree with extra praise for working hard. Love bomb him for all the things he does well.

I had/have a zero tolerance approach to drugs. I've always told my kids they get no second chances. They brings drugs into my house (including them taking them elsewhere) then they leave.

It's a huge safeguarding risk to your younger DCs having a class A drug user living in their home. Were you not subject to a social services investigation? In some areas you certainly would have been...

He needs to move out and take responsibility for his own life- use his salary to pay all his bills not blow it on life destroying stuff.

I'm disgusted at the nonchalant attitude on this thread.

To me anyone who's part of the coke trade is party to child murders in South America.

I think you have some ptsd from the initial
incident, you are catastrophising and you are making yourself very I’ll - you need to seek some medical support from your Gp and some different therapy.
your so afraid you are bordering on hysterical (understandable- I’ve been here myself).
Your son is going to do whatever he chooses and your interventions won’t change that,if anything it will drive him away.
He is an adult,he is responsible for his own behaviours and he is choosing to lie, to not charge his phone and not answer it to you - so don’t give him this power.
He has to take the consequences for whatever he is (or isn’t) doing.
Please get some support, i
speak from experience x

If I found out my DC’s were dabbling class A drugs there is no way I would ask them to leave. I would want to keep them close and as safe as I could.