Struggling with 18 yo

[InDespair2]

2 years ago my son, then 16 was arrested for possession of cocaine. The whole process took nearly a year to resolve and he was eventually issued with a community resolution order which in the grand scheme was not a bad outcome. I found the stress of it all unbearable and I am only getting worse.
On the surface he is responsible - holds down a job, gets promotions/pay rises and passed his apprenticeship with ease. However he gets very drunk regularly and is useless with money. He also gambles online and probably takes drugs (although I have no evidence for that), and lies to me a lot about what he’s doing, some of the lies being utterly pointless - which then makes me think he must be doing something awful or he would just tell me the truth. He constantly leaves the house with low battery on his phone meaning I can’t contact him although when he does have battery he rarely responds anyway. He has a big group of friends most of whom I think are ok but a couple I do not think much of at all.
Every time he leaves the house I’m an absolute mess. If he has battery I track him constantly, and over think incessantly imagining the awful scenarios which could materialise. I don’t sleep if he goes out at night and my heart palpitates constantly.
I have tried talking to him but his view is he has been in no trouble at all since age 16 so I should move on and treat him like an adult. My husband agrees with him, as do many of my friends (although I haven’t told many as tbh I’m a bit ashamed of the arrest and my inability to deal with it) I’m conscious that key relationships in my life are breaking down over this including probably the one with my son. I feel incredibly lonely and hopeless and I’m also angry with myself because when I’m thinking logically he’s probably only doing what most teenagers do. He says he wants to go to uni in September and has been offered places but I’m so scared he’ll do something stupid and end up in prison before he gets there.
i have completely run out of people to talk to. I’ve had counselling but it hasn’t helped and I now spend at least an hour a day crying. Luckily I have a job I love, but it is quite stressful and I’m conscious I’m not always as focused as I should be. I have two younger children who I barely even think about because I have no capacity left. This also makes me feel so worried and guilty. I really hope some of you have some insight to help me. Sorry for the long post.

@unmemorableusername thank you for replying but I do think your response is a bit idealistic . We did have involvement from social services. I undertook a parenting course and DS had weekly sessions with a social worker for 2-months plus online learning.
zero tolerance is fine until you consider if it is compassionate to make someone homeless for one mistake. In any case he was 16 at the time. If I’d have thrown him out I’d have been prosecuted. I actually have no clear evidence he is doing drugs now so I would effectively be making him homeless on the basis of suspicion. I agree if he was bringing class A’s into the house he would have to go and I have told him this. We have free access to his bedroom and car so I have to believe this is unlikely.
He earns good money but nowhere near enough to rent or buy on his own and rented rooms where we are are limited to over 25’s.
sadly real life is not quite as straightforward as your response suggests. Nevertheless it is useful to see the range of responses as it helps me understand my mixed feelings.

@Prettydisgustingactually thank you - this is a really good point. I need to stop comparing him to how I was aged 18 and think more about today’s context. A friend told me she bumped into him in a bar recently and he was very chatty telling her about his future plans so I guess that’s a positive too. She also knows the two lads he was with and apparently they just grunted at her. 🤦‍♀️. If you have time I’d love to learn how I stop with all this tracking. I can force myself for a few hours but once it’s midnight I give in .

Thank you @Prettydisgustingactually i am in agreement. I think if everyone adopted this approach the streets would be full
of teenagers. Sad reality of modern life.

@Holliegee - I think you could be right - it makes me feel ridiculous it’s not like I’ve been in the trenches. I know I’m being catastrophic but I just can’t seem to stop. I’ve always been a worrier but in all other parts of my life I am incredibly logical. I’m also not someone who cries often. I just have no coping mechanisms so seeking extra support is a good idea. I did go to see my GP but I got so hysterical in there he wanted to give me a 2-week course of strong anti-depressants which would stop me driving . It just wasn’t practical as my other two DC do a lot of activities. Perhaps I will go back to discuss again. I’m sorry to hear you have been through this anxiety too and hope things are now all okay with you and your family. Shout if you need support.

I would definitely go back to the gp OP. There are other types of anti-ds that could help.

Your son does also need to understand the effect this is having on you - and that comes though communication. If you find a relationship therapist they might be able to help you both with this.

All you can really do is try to keep an even keel, keep educating/reminding him of the right path to take, the consequences of poor choices (including the evil side if the trade) and be as consistent as you can.

He does sound like he's got things fairly under control, for now, - just keep reminding him that people on drugs act like utter twats, they just don't realise it at the time. Challenge him to spend an evening sober if his mates are drugged up, just to really see what it looks like to other people if nothing else - it's an eye opener!

@Seaworthy thank you and this is a good idea. I remember being pregnant at weddings and thinking “god do I really look like that when I’m drinking?” 🤦‍♀️.
I have just spoken to him about the need to stay in touch on NYE which went fairly well 🤞🤞. I really do appreciate the advice.

Why would you think you'd be prosecuted for asking a 16yo to move out. It's not a crime. Not so long ago all kids in care got booted out on their 16th birthdays.

16 year olds can have social housing tenancies in their own names.

There are plenty of teenagers in homeless accommodation up & down the country.

18 year olds are perfectly capable of renting a room. A no under 25s policy is illegal as it breaches the age protected characteristic in the Equality Act.

Knowingly taking cocaine is not just 'a mistake' like an accident. It is knowingly, willingly & with intent contributing to the murder of children.

I'd be ashamed to have raised a dc who thinks that's ok.

@unmemorableusername This is massively unhelpful.
Parents have legal responsibility for a child until they are 18. They are entitled to throw a 16 year old out but are still responsible for their welfare and can be prosecuted if they don’t provide it. It’s irrelevant anyway because I love my DS and I’m not throwing him out for what essentially is one mistake and other suspicions/worries on my part. He comes from a loving stable family and as such would not get social housing. The equality act as it applies to housing does allow for justified discrimination and in any case my DS has no credit or rental history. I really do wish that life was as simple as you make it sound.

@unmemorableusername unfortunately cocaine use is rife in the UK and the government shamefully does absolutely f all to tackle it. If anything blood is in their hands first and foremost, not on the peer pressured 16 year old.

Adding to that, throwing out a teenager (or an addict in general, unless it came to a breaking point) is just throwing him further into hanging out with questionable companies. OP is right in trying to keep him close by.

Sad to read this post! Maybe kids in care did get booted out on their 16th birthday (which is absolutely abhorrent) but that doesn’t make it ok. ‘Plenty of teenagers in homeless accommodation up and down the county’ is heartbreaking to contemplate.

I’m not sure if you have DC @unmemorableusername or how old they are, but I hope for their sakes they grow up to be perfect and never make mistakes, because I fear if they do, they’ll find themselves abandoned.

Of course the taking of the cocaine wasn’t an accident, and yes he purposely took it, but it was a mistake and he’s been punished. I just do not understand why you’d be ashamed of your child making a mistake and ask them to leave. I have two DC and I would never EVER ask them to leave over one drug’s incident. I know there is tough love where drugs are concerned…but one mistake..seriously????