Can no longer tolerate adult daughters behaviour - help

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Firstly I get she has had a lot to deal with over the past few years - but there is a limit to what I can deal with an tolerate. My daughter is 28. Her behaviour, attitude etc is what I would expect from a 13 year old. I believe she lacks emotional maturity. She is loud, brash, rude, disrespectful, she shows off, she lies all the time and she is very over-weight. Her language is foul - every other work is cunt and fucking (mainly due to working in the office at a scrap yard - you can imagine the type of people that work there). Her Dad died of cancer in 18 months ago after 5 years, she split up from her boyfriend of 7 years 6 weeks before he died. She lived with me for 10 months but in the end I had to make her leave for the sake of my own sanity. She is now living in her what was her Dads house. She practices no self-care and her diet is appalling - all fast junk food (yes she can cook - she's a very good cook). She had a fling with her bosses son, who basically used her for sex then discarded her like a sweet wrapper, then picked her up again a few months later and did the same. I sometimes think she is bi-polar due to her highs which involve hyperactivity and "big I am" and lows which involve throwing tantrums a toddler would be proud of and being angry with me and the world in general. She is on a road of self-destruction. She relayed a tale to me of what happened on a night out and said the girl involved had called her a "fat skank" once she had relayed the tale I was on the other girls side and I would have called my daughter a "fat skank" or even worse myself had I been the girl concerned. She speaks to me with utter disrespect (disdain mostly), unless she is playing me for sympathy of course, in which case I get the sad pathetic daughter - like today when she is unwell and has facetimed me about 5 times already - not sure why - not sure what I am supposed to do - you are ill - rest and get over it. She recently started a new job at the vets as she needs to get away from the scrap yard (and the bosses son that used her) and the place in general - they have her work about 60 hours a week, they don't appreciate her at all - they take advantage of her nature - and then she went back to the scrap yard after she left to do the wages on her day off because "no-one would have got paid otherwise". How is that your problem I asked her - she said she did it for the blokes that work there. No she didn't. She did it because she is an idiot. She loves to "please" other people - just the ones close to her that get the lies and disrespect. Mostly she speaks to me like I am something she picked up on the bottom of her shoe. I have done so much for her - I bought her first car, paid the insurance, gave £15k for house deposit, let her and her boyfriend live with me for free for 18 months while they renovated their house (now sold), I paid for a counsellor (no help), more or less single handedly decorated two houses for her, I have her dogs whenever she wants me to, I pretty much do everything she asks me to help with no matter how it inconveniences me. In short - I don't like her. She is not the type of person I would choose to have in my life. I have no idea what I did to produce a child like this - she quite simply what I would class as "scum" without wanting to sound like a snob. I also have a son, who is nothing like her, completely the opposite. The only thing she has going for her is that she works hard but the only reason she does that is so she can flash cash and drive around in expensive flash cars because that seems to make her believe she is something really special and important. She wrote off a Range Rover last year and was lucky she didn't seriously injure herself and her friend or kill them both. She went off the road and crashed into a tree because she was showing off and driving too fast round a corner. To this day she claims she "blacked out". Her passenger told me that she was driving "quick" when I asked how fast she was going. I don't need to have been in the car to know how fast "quick" is. Why not just admit it and say "I was driving too fast and I crashed". She never stops going on about how much money her brother has (he has a well paid IT job because he worked hard at school and was bullied for it - she chose not to work hard but to be a "big I am" and "in with the cool kids"). As for the lies - where do I start. She even lies about things that there is not even a point in lying about. I can't think of anything off-hand but almost like telling me she had a cheese sandwich when she actually had an egg sandwich - pointless. She lies so much she forgets what she said previously and if you pick her up on it she claims that's not what she said. I am at the end of my tether - I do not like her at all - I love her but I do not want this "person" in my life. She is causing me immense distress and anxiety, mainly because I want her to just stop behaving like she is and be a well mannered grown-up. Sorry for the long rant. Guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. Thank you for listening.

You need to stop judging your daughter: her language, her job, her personality, her sex life, her weight...you literally demolish all of them in your post.

If right now you don't enjoy spending time with your daughter or speaking with her then explain that you feel the two of you are different and you'd prefer to chat once a week on the phone, or meet once a month for coffee or whatever....

You cannot change your daughter.

You can examine your own judgmentalness, sense of disappointment etc and work at coming to terms with the fact that your daughter is not you, but her own person.

In short this is a you problem and no amount of fault listing of your daughter will achieve anything.

One of my DC was very difficult. However I wouldn't dream of being negative about her weight or call her scum. I get you're frustrated but it does come across that something is not right between you and your disdain comes through your words.

I don't have any answers other than time helps, some take longer than others. Show her you love her but won't put up with unfair demands.

You raised her so maybe it's a you problem

You speak about her with such disdain.

No wonder she has issues.

Number 1- stop hating her.
Number 2- your daughter’s behaviour could very easily be down to ADHD which often presents similar issues as bi- polar. People with ADHD often are really irritating, loud, brash and unaware of how they come over. She sounds impulsive- driving quickly.Other traits you mention fit the bill too.

(i do know that not everyone is ND!)
Perhaps you need to think about why she behaves as she does.

mainly due to working in the office at a scrap yard - you can imagine the type of people that work there

Probably some really nice, hard working people just trying to make a living. Might even be people who love & respect their parents - unlike your child

Your snobby attitude says more about you than her

Well to be honest I'm not surprised your daughter is the way she is when you refer to her as scum and that youd call her a fat skank.
Sorry but you don't sound very nice yourself.
Yes, it sounds like she's done some very questionable things and you've helped her out financially but perhaps she's grieving too?
We always hurt those closest to us too op, keep that in mind l.

If you are going to use astrology at least get it right and find out her rising sign and what planets she has in the 1st house.That is what describes your personality

What difference does it make, it's all utter nonsense anyway.

When you start working at a Newspaper they get you to write the astrology stuff as a rite of passage 😅

This post is one of the nastiest things I've ever read. Awful how you speak about your own child.

You have just proved my point.

What gets written in the papers is complete nonsense

I was talking about actual astrology where it is based on your exact time date and place of birth

Doesn’t make it any less nonsense tbf

Entertaining nonetheless

Why is she living in her Dad's house, surely it should have been sold and the proceeds split? Is she paying her brother rent?

You need to stop enabling her.

When I was reading this I thought she sounds like she has bi-polar. Possible adhd. Or even both as often present together.
You need to get her diagnosed (at the very least to rule anything out if you feel this is an excuse). It's so much easier to understand and deal with complex personalities when you realised there's an underlying condition.

Well it's clear that most of you have totally misunderstood what is going on here and proved yourselves to be very judgemental - whilst you are accusing me of just that. I neglect my son because my daughter takes up all of my physical and emotional time. I thought this forum would offer adive - clearly it's just another forum for trolls to bully and intimidate people. closing the account.

It's hard not to be judgemental when you consider your daughter scum tbh and I don't think can class that as bullying for pointing that out 😬

Any chance that can be formatted into paragraphs? Walls of text are painful to read for some people.

Also nonsense.

This is exactly what I believe. But because I always suggest it when I suspect I thought I'd have a day off.
There's something making typical day to day life very difficult for the daughter - and it is not being a Sagittarius OP. Come on, I'm going to be hard here but sort it out. There's something going on here beyond her star sign.

And it is perfectly possible to love a child and really dislike them and want space at times.

I'm NT, teenager is ND with PDA which means there is often a lack of understanding regards social and parental hierarchy. People can't imagine how it triggers you inside doing this every day. It is not imaginable. It's a difficult teen times 20 most days.

You need to put some boundaries in place OP, stop this ridiculous talk of star signs for goodness sake. Maybe ask her if she feels she's different in some way and can you support her in pursuing that. Because answers to that mean access to information and meds that might make her life easier and then improve relationships all round.

What do you expect when you are calling your child scum?!!! 🤷🏻‍♀️
You make it clear you hate her because she doesn't meet your expectations of what you want from her.

My parents are exactly like this. Have high demands of what they want us to achieve and refuse to support anything we do which doesn't meet it.
They make themselves out to be wonderful parents and martyrs because they have finally supported us at times but have completely neglected any emotional needs we had. And fail to manage their own emotional intelligence.

To be honest you sound exactly like them.

So perhaps look in the mirror and try a bit of reflection on how you have handled her and brought her up. And your level of responsibility in her situation. Only once you're willing to take on your share of responsibility will you be able to have a better relationship.

That doesn't mean it's all your fault and your daughter is blameless. She will have more than played her role but you need to accept your part in this.

Yes to this.

OP, stop having your own tantrum and take action.

MN is not a good and supportive place for many when they post and quite obviously had a child that is ' different ' . She is different and the quicker you speak to her about that and accept this in your head, the better.

It's not you, it's just the situation and the cycle of conflict many parents/kids get stuck in with additional needs - especially undiagnosed.

You’re really taking it the wrong way, OP.

Again, I suggest counselling - but be prepared to hear things you may not want to hear regarding your own behaviour.

I love her but I do not want this "person" in my life

I don't think you do love her at all, really.

She's clearly got major issues and I probably wouldn't want her around me either, but most of what you've said about her is so incredibly disdainful and derogatory that I think you're long past any point of loving her. If you ever did.

Certainly, there are things you've said about her that suggest she's difficult - it's pretty obvious she has some major mental health issues - but you're talking about her as if she's dogshit on your shoe and a lot of your issues with her just seem to be that she doesn't have the sort of the job you'd like her to have and doesn't have the kind of lifestyle you think she should have.

If you don't want your adult daughter in your life, you do not have to maintain contact with her. You are also an adult and you can choose to cut her off any time you like. You do not have to spend time with someone just because you are related. But I think you are kidding yourself if you think all the problems in your relationship with daughter are purely down to her.

Maybe she's a narcissist? She is a Sagittarian and they do seem to be prone to it. But then if she was, she wouldn't get upset.

I suspect most of your daughter's issues are wholly down to you.

You sound so sad to me OP.

I think that it must be very hard to watch your adult child make the decisions she is making, knowing full well where that will end up.

Some are saying that it sounds like your dd has some form of adhd.

For me though, this screams trauma.

She behaves as though she has no value.

In my experience the people who completely destroy their own public image (by public I mean their outward presentation tot he world) - though lies, unreasonable swearing, dietary choices, aggression with intimates, squandering money, binge drinking, all implies (to me) a background trauma.

We know enough about issues like these now to also know that people do not necessarily deal with, or speak about them.

In your shoes, I would start slowly, but definitely, with boundaries.

Limit the time you spend together, without even saying you are limiting. Meet outside of your home, an hour here, an hour there.

Take the dogs one time out of every three.

If she is badly behaved or nasty an "oh, blast, I forgot X, I have to go." Don't rise to any bait.

Recalibrating a little by being a positive force in life can have enormous impact on a person's self worth; like helping the homeless, doing some reading work with vulnerable kids, reading to lonely elderly in homes or some such.There is so much need out there.

It could even be something positive for you two to do together.

You cannot change her, she has to do that.

But you can help her (and thus yourself) on the qt.

Good luck op. I don't see meanness in your post; I see sorrow.

Don't listen to the people who are trying to blame you or the wider family. I am so sorry, as I have a daughter from whome I have become estranged in recent months. Our story is very similar to yours. I feel better with no contact with this woman who I loved so much since the day she was born. I have also wondered about narcissism bit it has now become apparent that she is suffering from a paranoid psychotic condition. I do think that you should look into neuro diversity issues her. Good luck and much love and a hug xx