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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

My mum's gone off on one....AGAIN

58 replies

Miffed52 · 21/12/2024 22:34

I'm a 53 year old childless single woman. Christmas cards are coming and in them people are detailing how full these people's lives are and one in particular saying how their grandchildren are spending Christmas with them from Germany. Mum turned round to me and said I have denied her grandchildren and a son in law all because of my "shyness and sensitivity. They've all got you worked out you know". She'll then say, "Why can't you be more like such and such"? and then will say I'm just like my dad (who died when I was 6). I have no idea why I've ended up single and have accepted that no one wants me, but my mum is extremely disappointed in me. She'll say, "Another Christmas in the same boat". I'm at a loss how to deal with this 😭😭😭😭😭😭

OP posts:
kiwiane · 21/12/2024 23:56

What a cow she is!

recyclingisaPITA · 22/12/2024 00:04

She's the reason you're single!

She's destroyed your self esteem, you don't even sound angry at his she spoke to you and you should be. Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that. You're not too sensitive, you're not sensitive enough, numbed by it all.

As for "denied her a SIL and DGC". Erm, if you'd married and had kids they'd be your nuclear family, not hers! Who the fuck is this woman that she thinks she owns other people?!

She doesn't own you either, by the way, OP. You don't owe her a particular type of personality, or entertainment, or a friendship circle that you provide for her, or more family members for her to verbally and emotionally abuse.

Deal with her by getting her out of your life. You live with her don't you? You've posted about her before, I think. She's stunted your growth emotionally, but it's never too late to break free and start standing on your own two feet.

Delphiniumandlupins · 22/12/2024 00:22

There is nothing wrong with being single or childless. There is nothing wrong with you. I hope you have friends and people around you to remind you of your value. If you have any issues with self-esteem or forming good relationships that is not surprising with such a nasty, toxic mother. You owe her nothing.

lionloaf · 22/12/2024 00:38

I don’t think you need “another” Christmas like this. Take yourself on holiday next year and let her fester by herself.

ThreeLocusts · 22/12/2024 00:51

What everyone says, don't put up with this. You denied her, honestly? It's not frigging about her. I'd recommend solo xmas holidays in the sun henceforth.

SequoiaTree · 22/12/2024 00:59

Totally unacceptable way to speak to you. No wonder you've got no confidence if you've always been spoken to like that. I hope you can tell her to stop putting you down and spend much less time with her. Say that you don't wish to spend time with her unless she stops being horrible to you. She sounds so self centred.

SequoiaTree · 22/12/2024 01:05

Given how she puts you down I'm not sure she'd have made a good grandmother anyway. Seems to be all I WANT I WANT with her. Why is she not being nice to you and nurturing her relationship with you instead of whining about what she doesn't have. Maybe if you put some distance between you she'd appreciate what she does have. Although she sounds like a bitch so maybe beyond help.

recyclingisaPITA · 22/12/2024 01:08

Have you seen the Stately Homes thread OP? You'd fit right in.

YourGladSquid · 22/12/2024 01:09

The good thing is you’re 53, you can choose not to deal with it.

MoreHappy · 22/12/2024 01:43

I'm sorry she sounds horrid and I suspect she has damaged your self confidence. Life is too short - surround yourself with people who appreciate you. Friends are the family we choose.
My friend's dad married a single 51 year old lady who had never been in a relationship before as she'd been nursing her parents. She fell pregnant naturally at 52...who would have thought? Life is full of surprises.

Original poster
Miffed52 · 22/12/2024 17:38

Thank you so much everyone. I have re-read your comments over and over and will continue to do so for a long while yet. They've helped me so much. I told my mum to stop bullying me, but she laughed in my face and screamed I was being ridiculous. I could add a whole lot more, but I'd end up writing a book! xxx

OP posts:
RestYeMerryGentlewomen · 22/12/2024 17:43

Crikey that’s one of the most unkind things I have ever read on MN and I have read some right toxic crap on here over the years. If my DS ends up without kids all I would feel is bad for him as I know he wants them, he has just split up with his GF sadly. Really a loving parent should only be concerned with how you feel and are doing. I was devastated as I really loved his GF but made sure that I cried when alone in the house as didn’t want to upset him.

Take care and I hope you have some joy in your life, make 2025 the time to try something you have always been curious about x

SequoiaTree · 22/12/2024 17:44

Miffed52 · 22/12/2024 17:38

Thank you so much everyone. I have re-read your comments over and over and will continue to do so for a long while yet. They've helped me so much. I told my mum to stop bullying me, but she laughed in my face and screamed I was being ridiculous. I could add a whole lot more, but I'd end up writing a book! xxx

Her reaction says it all really. 🙁

TwilightCat · 22/12/2024 17:44

I know this is easier said than done but bullies only have power when we give them the reaction they want. When she says mean things, get up mid-rant and calmly leave the room. I’m not sure if she’s the type to get up and follow you, she may well escalate her behaviour as she notices you are not rising to her bait. Make a cup of tea, take it somewhere you can be away from her vitriol. Know in doing so you are reclaiming your power from her. And if you are able, make plans to leave.

Starlight7080 · 22/12/2024 17:47

She sounds awful . What terrible things to say .
I think mumsnet alone proves that being married does not equal a happy and fulfilled life.
You should be proud of who your are and not who she thinks you should be
I hope you have a nice Christmas 🎄

ChristmasGrinch24 · 22/12/2024 17:48

& this is probably why your shy op, because your mum treats you like crap.

There's nothing wrong with you & certainly nothing wrong with being childless or single! I bet you have lots of amazing qualities (and the patience of a saint for putting up with your mother!) Flowers

AlexanderArnold · 22/12/2024 17:51

Next year go on a trip somewhere for Christmas. Send her a card. She can then boast or complain about you to her friends, if she has any, and you'll be none wiser.

I wonder if you remind her of your dad, and she has been punishing you in a way all these years. If sadness can't really be acknowledged in a bereavement it can turn into anger and bitterness.

Either way, go find things you love and enjoy and send her postcards and Christmas cards!

slightlydistrac · 22/12/2024 18:20

Miffed52 · 22/12/2024 17:38

Thank you so much everyone. I have re-read your comments over and over and will continue to do so for a long while yet. They've helped me so much. I told my mum to stop bullying me, but she laughed in my face and screamed I was being ridiculous. I could add a whole lot more, but I'd end up writing a book! xxx

Have you posted about her before? If you are who I think you are, then you already know what people will suggest, which is that perhaps it is time to consider making plans to move out of your toxic mother's home, get your own place, and live a happy life without her.

SmugglersHaunt · 22/12/2024 18:34

Your mum is a horrible bitch. Sorry, but if my mum spoke to me like that I’d never speak to her again

Hoppinggreen · 22/12/2024 18:37

Miffed52 · 22/12/2024 17:38

Thank you so much everyone. I have re-read your comments over and over and will continue to do so for a long while yet. They've helped me so much. I told my mum to stop bullying me, but she laughed in my face and screamed I was being ridiculous. I could add a whole lot more, but I'd end up writing a book! xxx

Don't write a book, just write a letter to your awful mother telling her to f off and never bother you again.

Phineyj · 22/12/2024 18:48

Do write a book.

A murder mystery.

My friend did this to come to terms with her toxic brother and really enjoyed it. It was a decent read too.

Knowitall69 · 22/12/2024 18:53

Please, please PLEASE read the following book:

"Difficult Mothers" by Terri Apter.

I guarantee it will be life changing.

Happy Christmas.

harriethoyle · 22/12/2024 19:27

She sounds a dreadful old bat and she’d hate it if I was her daughter- resolutely child free, divorced by my late 30s, and whilst I now have a lovely DH our collective fields of fucks are barren so she would have got short shrift from either of us! I’d limit your time with her and celebrate you for being you - I’m absolutely sure you’re much better company than her Flowers

permanently · 22/12/2024 19:33

Christ OP.
You have ample reason to go NC after that onslaught!
Please make other plans for next year!
We've got you 💪

MrsWinslowsSoothingSyrup · 22/12/2024 19:40

Your mother is incredibly nasty. Her abusive behaviour has probably damaged you more than you realise.

You deserve a wonderful and happy Christmas so I really hope you can have that this year. If not, spend 2025 finding some nice people to have in your life than your nasty abusive parent. Even if it's a volunteer group at a local care home or something. There are some amazing people out there - your mother isn't one of them.