My 20-yr-old daughter is very unhappy and has no close friends

[Westju]

I initially added this to an existing thread but am posting here to see if anyone else can offer advice. I've just got off the phone with my 20-yr-old daughter who started university in Sept (a year late). She was in tears - very depressed and saying she wants to come home (although I think she doesn't want to really). In August her boyfriend of 2 years broke up with her and she is (of course) still heartbroken. She says he was her only friend (they were at same school) and the only person who understood her. They are both at uni in Scotland and she has been in touch with him - he appears to be happy and moving on. She just feels abandoned and stuck - unable to even think about a life without him in it. I love my daughter but she can be hard work - emotional, moody, quite needy, not easy going. She is also pretty, bright, diligent and intelligent. It has been suggested to her that she's on the autistic spectrum and I could see that. Since Sept she has had a cold and now a long-term rash (seeing the GP for that), her first hall was grotty but she got to move. She has made some new friends but she feels they are superficial friendships and they all have best friends at home - and she has no-one. Her school friends faded away and even a close friend from Yr 7 stopped talking to her a couple of years ago. Maybe she was partly to blame - but I know some of those girls are just not very nice. In a nutshell she's very lonely, not really coping with her first term, the work and feeling that she'll never be able to be happy or have a best friend she can talk to. I understand her feelings (I've had times like that myself and I don't have any really close friends either). I just don't know what to say or how to help her.

It sounds like she’s put her all into a relationship and let friendships and herself fall to the sideline.

she needs to learn to be independent and confident alone.

there will be countless groups and clubs at uni she could join from running and book clubs to chess and movie groups!

Kindly, she needs to dig herself up out of her pit of feeling sorry for herself and make friendships and socialisation happen. People arent going to see her walking down the street and know to approach her because she wants friends.

If only it was that easy I am sure she would have done it already! Lack of awareness for some people's struggles make me so angry. She isn't self pitying. Emotions can be hugely exacerbated in women with autism, it is incredibly hard to live with. Please don't dismiss people's feelings as if they are wallowing.

OP, I have a daughter with autism and she could not cope with university and had to leave and come home, it was the social aspect that she found impossible. You have my sympathies. Please don't ignore her mental health and it she woupd be better coming home and working then allow her to do that with no judgement.

Poor thing. She's not had a great time. I think she just needs to hang on in there as she just hasn't found her tribe yet. Acquaintanceships can often grow into proper friendships. For what it is worth, those 'best friends' at home often fade away when people go to university.

She won't be the only one feeling like this - I can promise you that. Maybe she shouldn't try to find 'best friends' immediately and just try to build up her circle of acquaintances and people she chats to then see how it goes. If she has any interests she could join clubs.

Another option would be to volunteer. Most universities have things like student ambassadors and so on. In the university I worked at, this type of thing was advertised through a job shop they had at the students' union. It is good to get in with this type of thing as it can lead to decent paid internships within the university itself and it looks fabulous on a CV.

Just tell her to give it time and to try not to hide away in her room.

She has made some new friends but she feels they are superficial friendships

Well they will be at this point, she’s only known them since September? Maybe her expectations around friendships are part of the problem, is she a bit all or nothing? Her “only friend and the only person who understood her” about her ex would indicate so.

I agree with the first poster, she needs to crack on, join some groups and put herself out there.

Poor her (and you; it must be very worrying).
I was desperately unhappy at university, (also in Scotland, coincidentally!). I had previously had a good group of close knit friends at school but never really felt like I fitted into any group at uni. I never shared this with anyone and instead put all my efforts into the couple if long term boyfriends I had, as that was easier than trying to slot into a group. Although I did made some friends, I never felt comfortable and like I belonged.

I still really regret not sharing my feelings . In retrospect, I should have dropped out and restarted somewhere else.

Would she perhaps be open to taking some time out and going back (or going elsewhere) next year?

Oh I feel for her. I think most young adults struggle when they're at university in the first year, everyone I know said their kids struggled in the first year, mine certainly did too. I can tell you what helped my daughter, it might not help yours so ignore if it's unhelpful.

I sent her little (and not so little) presents. A blanket, an Uber Eats order, sweeties, little things I thought she'd like

When she was in a real state I went to see her and stayed for a week and talked things over. I made it clear she could come home any time she wanted to (she's a long way away). She decided to stay and has been fine since. She's NT though.

This might sound silly but we watched tv programmes together sometimes, we put them on at the same time and stayed on Facetime while we were watching so we could chat. It made it feel like we were in the same room

I think she's going through 2 really hard things at the same time: a break up and starting university, both really tough at that age. Maybe university isn't right for her but I would encourage her to give it more time, it's still early days. Remind her that a lot of first years will absolutely be feeling the same, she isn't alone, even if she thinks she is.

It's really hard isn't it, they're technically adults but they so aren't really. And most of them struggle with adulting in the first year. I helped a lot with that as well, saying "don't panic about bills / cooking / whatever" and being very available to help with it.

Good luck.

OP I am going to PM you

It sounds like she’s put her all into a relationship and let friendships and herself fall to the sideline.

@DaisyChain505 Yes, that was my immediate thought too. I knew ppl who did this when I was at uni and DD (19) has a friend who’s also done this-basically let all her high school friendships fade in favor of her relationship. She seems to be realizing this now and has reconnected with DD and other friends.

OP, I would reassure your DD that it’s not too late to reach out to her old friends and to give her uni acquaintances time to grow into friendships.

Her expectations and reality are mismatching.

What does she want from a friendship? Someone she has everything in common with and goes everywhere with?

Never going to happen.

Superficial friendship? She needs to value and appreciate them for who and what they are.

This was me. She needs to just get the fuck on with it.

Sorry.

I felt my mother didn't help matters and was too emotionally invested and infantilised me in hindsight. It made it too easy to run away home.

Could she take a year out and travel? It could be perfect for meeting new young people outside of that insular uni culture and make her grow in bravery and wider outlook?
Couchsurfing (official website) is a brilliant way to do it as well as making friends by going to meetings in various cities around the world. I made lifelong friends that way and it's safer than hostelling. You can choose to stay with women rather than men if you want, you select profiles who are verified and reviewed by others. My first trip to NY I stayed in a diamond merchant's apartment, given my own keys and had a crash course in Jewish culture with them, family meals etc.

It s only been two months at uni!!
Yes some people find their best friend in week one but many do not!

The usual..she needs to follow her interests join the club or society etc
Take up a mixed sport even if she not super athletic
Have somethings each week in her calendar and don't fret about not having one best friend .

She has made some new friends but she feels they are superficial friendships and they all have best friends at home - and she has no-one

I agree with pps. She has only known them 2 months or potentially less. Of course at this stage they will be superficial. But what's wrong with that ? All friendships start somewhere. Many friendships are very much 'of a time' or 'of a situation', but that doesn't make them any less valuable. If anything this can be some of the most important friendships of your life - the other new Mums in a baby group, or, like in this situation, the other students at a University where you know no-one. I think you perhaps could help her to understand that? At this stage, 'friends' are people that you can put your head round the door and ask if they want a hot chocolate, or message to see if anyone wants to go to the student night you saw advertised.
Some people will develop longer lasting friendships at University, but many don't. Those that do develop over 3 or 4 years, not 7 or 8 weeks.

Her school friends faded away and even a close friend from Yr 7 stopped talking to her a couple of years ago. Maybe she was partly to blame - but I know some of those girls are just not very nice

But there does seem to be a common denominator is this. That is her. If someone has got to 19 / 20 without having friends, what do you think has changed now, that she would be able to maintain friendships ? Have you, or anyone else helped her to work on that ?

In a nutshell she's very lonely, not really coping with her first term, the work and feeling that she'll never be able to be happy or have a best friend she can talk to.

That is hard to accept, as a parent. It must be difficult for you.

Would she go along to join groups, teams, clubs, societies if you suggested it ? There are so many different clubs and groups that are there to bring people together at Universities. Most will also have a student hub people can go to if they are finding life tough / not settling.

We have a lot of neurodiversity in our family so I am inclined to give her some sympathy. Being neurodiverse makes it much harder to make secure friendships - people pick up we are not 'quite the same' as them and maybe be polite but reluctant to commit socially. Myself, my daughter and my son are neurodiverse and its definitely harder for girls because females have much more complex social structures. Boys tend to stand next to each other and then bammy they are accepted into a group. Girls its the complicated acceptance and commitment process.

I don't think its a coincidence that both myself and my daughter's good friends are either neurodiverse themselves or they come from a family with neurodiversity - I am guessing they overlook some of our 'quirks'.

I think she needs to speak to the uni for support - and also either you or her need to sort out an neurodiversity assessment. If she is diagnosed she will automatically be eligible for a lot more support at uni on a practical level.

I am guessing also there are some extra social support systems at her uni for neurodiverse kids - she should ask her uni about these. If she is religious, we find Christian clubs etc are also a good source of friendships for neurodiverse people as members tend to be people who have strong moral compasses who are easier to be around if you metaphorically see the world in black and white as its easier to work out where you stand.

People I met my first few weeks at university and seemed superficial turned out to be friends I still have 40 years later. Friendships grow and take time. None of us had or have a lot in common apart from gradual appreciation of each other and enjoyment of each others' company. Friendships take time to establish, and maybe the people she has met will turn into firm friends. Hard as it is, she needs to try out new clubs and experiences- a film club or book club if she's not into music or sport. Or walking, there must be something she might enjoy. It's difficult to go on your own I know but the sooner she does it before the new memberships get established the better. Maybe one of her new acquaintances goes to something she might enjoy.
I do feel for you and your daughter. I felt like that at school but gradually found friends at university.

She is 20 and therefore fully grown adult. Sometimes we move on without a < best friend>, a boyfriend or whatever.

She is in uni, should concentrate on her studies to be able to have a job, career and all other things will happen by themselves eventually

She sounds very much like me when I was in uni

I’d send her a little box of fun via post. Some scratch cards, some vitamins, a little bar of chocolate, a voucher to go get her eyebrows or nails done.
Put a note in saying you are proud of her trying so hard and to keep going…

You can’t magic any new friends but you can support her well being.
Even an advent calendar that she can open backwards -25 days to xmas ball 24 days etc

@IamRoyFuckingKent you sound like a lovely mum 🌸

Some great suggestions from this poster OP

It does sound like she has been too caught up in her boyfriend that the rest of her life has suffered. But how lucky to learn that life mistake so early and be more appreciative of the friendships she will make next.

It is normal to feel sad when you are learning about how your needs might be met and expectations of others. Can you encourage her to be more outward looking: who does she like and why (if she likes them because they seem to like her, then she's not really giving anyone friendship, just expecting it)? What nice things is she doing to make other people feel less lonely.

Alongside that encourage her to start doing things, clubs, pub quiz, sports etc. and asking people to do them with her, even fairly random people who also look a little lost.

Every 2 month old friendship is superficial, she needs to manage expectations a bit on that front or will scare people off.

They all get Fresher's flu and it's horrible. The first few weeks at Uni are also a big challenge for most people - they leave the comfort of their home, family and friends, everything that is familiar and for the first time you are surviving on very superficial relationships and you can feel very vulnerable - seeking out friendships from your course, clubs and societies etc is really important - limiting your social life to your flatmates is always risky - it's early days. But it's hard to not rush in and try to save them - be led by her...would going to see her for a day/weekend help...sometimes it's the break a fresher needs.

How very tough for your daughter and parenting an unhappy child is so hard.

My DS also had a tough time in Year 1, he had spent a very busy year out working overseas then found settling into Uni hard; everyone seemed so young to him. It took two terms to find friends but he ended up with a great bunch of friends (just graduated). He did seek some counselling support.

If your DD is willing in some counselling support I'd recommend helping her find some. It may help with deciding whether to seek an autism assessment.

WickedlyCharmed. She has joined a couple of groups and has been going out with her new group of friends - but she says she's just not feeling any joy. I get that and she's not blaming the new friends at all. It's just the big cloud she's under right now won't shift and I don't expect anything of this term - the whole year may not be that good. It also doesn't help that she's not enjoying some of her modules and finding it hard to concentrate on work - again I understand but she doesn't believe I do. I'd never tell her to just 'get on with it' but coming home right now wouldn't help her either.

Juja - thanks for your message. My DD is in touch with a counsellor now - actually near where we live but she can start with online sessions while waiting for counselling sessions at university. To get some professional help is the best advice we can give her - especially as she feels we're so useless! (Another kick in the gut for her recently was her ex telling her he's going out with someone new. Why did he tell her? - maybe to make sure she realises he's moved on. I hope that's the reason and not just malice. I appreciate it's been difficult for him too.)

@Westju How is your DD getting on? I hope the counselling has helped... Break ups are so painful and it takes ages to heal...

Hi @Westju
Am sorry you are in this situation - it is so stressful. My DD situation quite similar so I really feel for you.
My DD is now in final year and seems better but it certainly hasn’t been the joyous time she wanted it to be. I paid for private counselling in person in her Uni city. It seemed to really help her find some strategies for building herself up, looking after herself. This seemed to be the main first step x

Many thanks to all here for supportive messages. It is good to know we're not alone in having an adult daughter who's struggling so much. Our DD has just started some counselling (private) and seems to be feeling a little better about things generally but we know it's still going to be a long haul and she will continue to have very low points. She is nearly at the end of her first term and I'm proud of her for managing to get through it. She has chosen to spend the Christmas period in Paris (she's paid for it) - partly to avoid being anywhere near her ex boyfriend during the 'festive season'. She won't be completely alone but isn't going with friends. She'll be with us on the 28th Dec until she returns to uni in January. Obviously we're sad she won't be with us for Christmas Day but I hope she has a good time in Paris. Better than being miserable in her room at home, I guess. She's also joined the uni gym and is planning to do some hiking in the new year. All positives that should help her feel better physically and mentally. x