My 20-yr-old daughter is very unhappy and has no close friends

[Westju]

I initially added this to an existing thread but am posting here to see if anyone else can offer advice. I've just got off the phone with my 20-yr-old daughter who started university in Sept (a year late). She was in tears - very depressed and saying she wants to come home (although I think she doesn't want to really). In August her boyfriend of 2 years broke up with her and she is (of course) still heartbroken. She says he was her only friend (they were at same school) and the only person who understood her. They are both at uni in Scotland and she has been in touch with him - he appears to be happy and moving on. She just feels abandoned and stuck - unable to even think about a life without him in it. I love my daughter but she can be hard work - emotional, moody, quite needy, not easy going. She is also pretty, bright, diligent and intelligent. It has been suggested to her that she's on the autistic spectrum and I could see that. Since Sept she has had a cold and now a long-term rash (seeing the GP for that), her first hall was grotty but she got to move. She has made some new friends but she feels they are superficial friendships and they all have best friends at home - and she has no-one. Her school friends faded away and even a close friend from Yr 7 stopped talking to her a couple of years ago. Maybe she was partly to blame - but I know some of those girls are just not very nice. In a nutshell she's very lonely, not really coping with her first term, the work and feeling that she'll never be able to be happy or have a best friend she can talk to. I understand her feelings (I've had times like that myself and I don't have any really close friends either). I just don't know what to say or how to help her.

I could have written this about my dd18 who has just started at an English uni.

She’s had the same sort of issues with friends over the years, she does have a few from college/high school who she keeps in touch with and sees when she is home, but they all have closer friends so she is a lower priority and therefore only sees them when they want to meet up.

Uni started pretty well as she makes friends easily as she is pretty social and she mentioned lots of people. The problem is making lasting friendships as lots seem to drift away and she really only seems to have 1 flatmate that she regularly spends time with now, and she doesn’t like going out whereas my dd does. My dd keeps trying to organise things with the groups she has met through course/society etc but no one is ever free. But then there are pictures on instagram of big nights out that my dd seems to either not know about or not feel comfortable to join.

She has the same problem of keeping trying to contact an old “boyfriend “ (never really made it to that stage) who treated her badly and is at the same uni. He really is pretty awful to her, even on a friendship level but she keeps contacting him and acting like a bit of a doormat.

I keep trying to encourage her to get out and meet people as she seems to spend a lot of time in her roo, but not sure if its her fault for not trying hard enough or if something about her puts people off.

I also wonder about neurodivergence, but it’s difficult to broach.

@Malibuonice that sounds tough for your DD and for you supporting her. There are no easy answers.

My DS found the first two terms really tricky. He'd had a year out in a demanding role overseas and suffered from reverse culture shock going to Uni. He also hit puberty rather late and was in an angry with parents phase, combined with a brain fog / extreme executive disfunction - not going to classes, losing phones, silly decisions. Thought he was ADHD but wouldn't go through with the tests despite our encouragement...

It was tough and he didn't really talk about it. He told us afterwards he sought some counselling but said he wasn't good at sharing his thoughts. Then suddenly about Easter time in Year 1 it all got much better. Meant his housing arrangements were somewhat chaotic for Year 2 as he hadn't buddied up with anyone but in the end all was okay.

His second two years were much better and he has has good friends. He had a girlfriend for 18 months he met in the second year. And he got to grips with his work. He had more counselling and we had four sessions as a family that helped us understand each other.

Now he's graduated and moved to another city and found a job and still goes back to his Uni town to see friends doing 4 year courses. Interestingly he said to us a few weeks ago - my brain is now wired. He is much more reflective. While it is a shame this 'unwired' phase was when he was at Uni and he knows he didn't have the 'amazing' experience some others had but he's plenty of life ahead of him... he's happy and doing the job he wanted. The future looks much brighter...

I feel it might benefit her to fab a diagnosis. Then she can understand herself better

She won't find her people with the NT so needs to find other high intelligent ND people she can be more herself with.

I feel for her My dd is autistic. Found out at 17 but she s happier now she knows. Has done a lot of reading and counselling and is definitely not ready for uni She works part time and all her friends are gone but she has a few friends left and they go out on the holidays so far.

Can she change uni and maybe go closer to home? X

@Westju hi, I just saw your post and wondered how your DD is getting on now? My DD sounds very similar to yours. She is 1st year Uni and I spoke to her last night, she told me that she is really lonely and has been for the past month. She is desperate to make friends and said she looks out of her halls window and see's people sitting in groups and she wishes she had this. She has friends from school but things have always been quite tricky with friendships. She is deeply sensitive and suffered from social anxiety when younger. Now she is more confident socially but feels very different from a lot of people. Unfortunately she has distanced herself from a group she initially met at uni and she found the group quite toxic. She is desperate for new friends. She has signed up for sports this week and said she will message acquaintances to try and build friendships. She has a boyfriend at uni but feels dependent on him at the moment socially and she doesn't that. Its so hard and wondered if there is anything that helped your DD

Thank you, SafeHaven1 - and others. My DD has been at uni since Sept 2024 and the first few weeks were very difficult for various reasons. She has made a few friends (one from her secondary school - year below her so not a friend at school) and things seemed to be getting a little better for her. They were talking about sharing a flat together in their 2nd year but now a couple of them have turned on her and decided they don't want to live with her next year and 'forced' the other two to go with them - obviously a huge blow for my DD. I believe the girl from her school is kind of the 'leader' here - she's very extrovert, even a bit too full on - and I feel she has betrayed my DD to a certain extent as she has some issues too (she was very homesick) and they were supporting each other last term. But girls can be like that, even when they're nearly 20. She has tried to take it as well as she can, even hoping to stay on friendly terms with them all - I'm sure I wouldn't want to. She has a couple of other friends there but obviously this means she'll be starting the 2nd year feeling shunned by these rather childish young women and almost back where she was last Sept - although she is doing well in her coursework and is stoic. I'm impressed that she has made it through almost a year, to be honest. She has been seeing a therapist (we're paying for it) since January which she says is helpful - and we've discussed her getting a diagnosis for ASD/neurodiversity in the city where her university is. She has good insight and knows she needs help to manage her emotions and relationships with others. It's helpful to me to hear from everyone on this thread - knowing she's not alone in this. But my heart breaks for her - she finds it almost impossible to envisage a happy future for herself.

I am so sorry to hear of the latest blow to your DD. I PMd you last year as I recognised some similarities between our situations, and your latest development is also exactly what happened to my DD. She went to Uni in a completely new city (200 miles away) but a large and popular Uni city so knew a few people vaguely. She connected with a friend who was at her school, and although they weren't close at school, they started hanging out and going out together. DD introduced old school friend to her new, small and fragile circle and they all talked about getting a houseshare together - I was really encouraged. DD came home for a week for a funeral and in that time the group found a house, paid a deposit and sent her lots of 'sad face emoji texts' saying that they were scared of getting no house so HAD to take one without her. DD has had to be really stoic and suck it up but it's been really hard.

We have found that the therapist she has accessed through her Uni has been a godsend. She engaged with their counselling services who them referred her on to 12 proper therapy sessions with a psychiatrist who then extended her to 16 (which they are allowed to do under their own steam). He is independent and quite £££ but the 16 sessions were free through Uni. She had the last one a few days ago and it has been a game-changer for her. She is managing her moods and self-esteem much better and talked to me about how she is not seeing everything as a personal attack on her when things go wrong. I see you are already getting DD therapy but just wanted to remind you that although it can be hit and miss, there are some excellent and robust therapists available through the Uni mental wellbeing services. It's not in their interests to have young people crumbling on their watch.

Just keep on doing what you are doing, being kind and available to her, and praising her for being resilient. I wish you both luck.

Good evening, My daughter (20 and at Uni) sounds so similar, but unlike yours she refuses to look in to any assessments. I think the possibility of having ASD has become more apparent since she has gown up, wasn't so noticeable when she was younger, and I really think that being so stubborn and unwilling to try anything new is a huge part of it so a double edge sword really.

But seeing her so lonely breaks my heart, it's so painful to see and I so want to help, I try to encourage her to try new things but she says that it's painful to see other groups of friends together as she doesn't have that, she took her book and went to a pub alone the other day and said she just wanted to cry.

She has had aquaintences in the past but they all leave her, this may be partly due to her trouble with opening up and relaxing, but I sometimes feel that she doesn't know how to nurture a relationship.

But she's a lovely girl, loves to go out, just needs someone who loves her as she is, it just breaks my heart.