Don’t want dd to move back in

[WhyamIalwaysthatmother]

I have a 21 year old dd. I also have a 7 year old dd.

My 21 year old has already had 2 false starts at moving out, and has come home twice. She has BPD and is finding it hard to live with other people, and now wants to break the tenancy agreement that she is under now and move back home (she signed a 12 month lease in July).

I don’t want her to come home. She is a lovely girl but she is also lazy and never cleans up after herself, and the world revolves around her-her younger sister doesn’t get a look in when she is in the house.

Does this makes me a bad mother?

The other daughter is still a minor. Her needs take priority right now. OP cam offer support to eldest dd in other ways.

She has a 12 month lease, this is the third time she's moved out. No you're not a bad mother to tell her to live out her lease and be responsible. Plenty of people with BPD live on their own.

You've let her move back home twice already. Your 7 year old needs stability and support.

I don’t think you’re a bad mother.

you need to support her in what she needs though:.::not allowing her to move back in doesn’t make you a bad mother.

You wouldn't be doing her any favours be allowing her to move back home. What she actually needs is some help to learn how to live away from home. If you let her move back now, there is a chance she will still be with you at 30. (And also, I disagree that 21 is "very young". It's young, but also fully adult.)

Can you find some sort of half way solution op?

She is obviously struggling living independently.

If she has BPD then this is not her fault!

However I understand that living with a young adult who is severely emotionally disregulated might not always be a bundle of laughs either and why you may wish to protect your seven year old from some of her sister’s behaviours.

What sort of treatment is she accessing?

Can you support her with that?

I suppose it’s too much to hope for that there is any supported accommodation available for YAs with mh issues near you?

Failing that, would some sort of annex in the garden be possible, or dividing your house so that she has a distinct area?

A tiny studio nearer to you?

A caravan in the drive?

I’m sorry you are facing this predicament but she obviously needs some level of support.

If this is the 3rd time she’s tried and failed then I think you have to face up to the fact that she might not be able to live independently. That might just be at the minute or it might be longer term. What you are going to need to do is decide what you can offer her.
if she can’t live with you, and she can’t live alone, what might that look like?

Can she live with you at weekends and week days in the flat?

Give her some ground rules in writing that she has to agree to to move in. Tidying up behind herself as she makes a mess.

You need to prioritise your younger daughter. It must be very disruptive for her. Just say no, otherwise she may never move out again. It’s not fair on everyone else if she’s lazy & rules the house.

I think it’s fair to draw a line and say living together doesn’t work, but that you will support her in other ways as needed.

House sharing can really impact your mental health, is there another solution that you don't want her to move back home?

She’s clearly struggling with living in house shares so perhaps they’re just not going to work for her.

What are the implications of breaking her lease? Could she find a sub-tenant for the remainder of her lease, for example?

I’d ask her to read her lease carefully and perhaps also let you take a look at it so that she fully understands the financial implications. If you’re her guarantor, you absolutely must look at it, or you could be on the hook financially.

I can’t imagine ever turning my back on my child when they asked for help. No matter how old they were.

Except that OP is in a situation whereby helping one child means turning her back on the other.

It’s not as simple as “I wouldn’t turn my back on my child” when you have more than one child to take care of and when you simply cannot provide both of them the support they need.

I don’t think anyone is saying OP should just abandon her older child but there are ways of supporting her without reverting back to a cycle that hasn’t worked in the past.

Has she had a difficult or traumatic childhood? BPD doesn't tend to come out of nowhere. House shares can be very difficult and she obviously can't cope with them if this is the third that hasn't worked out.

I think it's really sad that you don't want her home, having BPD is likely to leave her feeling rejected and a failure, that no one cares about her - even her own mum doesn't want her home. There's no way I could do that to my child even if they weren't the easiest. Thinking the world revolves around her is also typical of her disorder.

So yes IMO I would think based on what you've said that not having her home would make you a bad mother. Her being a bit lazy is not the end of the world and she has a disorder that makes life extremely difficult for her.

Just checking... this isn't the daughter who has an Only Fans account, is it?

(Story sounds familiar, apologies if it isn't)

Neither can I, but my teens are really pretty easy to live with. If my experience was different then I’d probably feel different and op has a 7yo to consider too. These situations are rarely simple.

The thing is, you'd probably not be doing her any favours by letting her move back in.

I'd say she has to live with her choices, a 12m lease is just that!

This 100%

I agree with posters saying that she mustn’t abandon her daughter, but also think it’s important for her to set some expectations if her older DD moves back in, I.e., she needs to tidy up after herself, her Mum isn’t her servant.

What are the ways of supporting her? She can't cope at her shared house, she has a disorder that makes her feel any rejection extremely intensely. Being told she can't come home will be a huge rejection to her - and where is she going to go? I don't think you can imagine just how hard everything is likely to be for her.

The younger child has to be considered too as well of course, I would look into young carers and make sure she gets taken out the house for one to one time every weekend. I would speak to school about the situation and make sure she was part of any nurture groups they had or see if they could offer any other support.

The older one needs to really feel that she is safe and loved to help her with the BPD. I would also suggest a really good routine for her if you can get her into one, there's a lot of comorbidity, misdiagnosis and overlap between BPD and ASD and I would be looking to make sure she has an environment that would helpful if she potentially had ASD too. Emotional immaturity could mean she is a few years emotionally below her actual age.

She desperately needs love and support right now though.

I would strongly recommend that if she moves back home, she seeks support through regular therapy or counselling.
It’s important for her to have boundaries like tidying up after herself, contributing something to household expenses, which will help her grow into an adult.

I expect you'll get faced with the angry child, which is why you won't want her back. This is where the therapy can come in.