Don’t want dd to move back in

[WhyamIalwaysthatmother]

I have a 21 year old dd. I also have a 7 year old dd.

My 21 year old has already had 2 false starts at moving out, and has come home twice. She has BPD and is finding it hard to live with other people, and now wants to break the tenancy agreement that she is under now and move back home (she signed a 12 month lease in July).

I don’t want her to come home. She is a lovely girl but she is also lazy and never cleans up after herself, and the world revolves around her-her younger sister doesn’t get a look in when she is in the house.

Does this makes me a bad mother?

No, yanbu.

I think you will be a better mother to help her sort out the issues she has in her new place.

She's moved out three times, she clearly doesn't want to live at home, she'll have to pay for the year. She needs to learn to live with other people if she is ever to have an independent life.

So every time she has an issue, discuss it with her in detail. Explain how to resolve it - how to get on with her flat mates or whatever. If she still isn't settled in July, promise to help find her a bedsit or something similar.

I don't think you'll be doing her any favours by letting her come home.

And tho those saying they'd never. Turn their back blah blah, I'm pretty sure OP wouldn't see her on the street. She has a home to live in, she probably just wants the maid service at home.

Thank you all for your replies-I didn’t get any notifications so thought no one had replied!

I’m not the mum with the daughter with an OnlyFans. I love my eldest to bits, and have actually moved house to be closer to her to support her living independently (she comes here for tea three times a week, and more if she needs it, she is always welcome to stay over for ad hoc nights if she wants to, and I also go and clean her house for her and act as a go-between with her and her housemates).

Her behaviour is very unpredictable, and there are regular threats of suicide, which is very distressing for my youngest daughter to hear. My eldest also regularly arranges things and doesn’t think them through (like taking a job that starts at 5am 30 mins drive away and then insisting that me and her younger dd drive her there each morning, taking on a cat without consulting her housemates and then being angry that they don’t want a cat and insisting I take it in when I have an asthmatic cat allergy and a dog that is cat reactive and other things in a similar vein).

She has a lot of rage and anger, but refuses to engage with therapy or to take her medication, which I find frustrating and difficult and I am the one that arranges it all and pays for it, picks up and orders her prescriptions and takes her to her appointments.

That sounds incredibly hard op 💐

You must be worried sick about her.

I don’t pretend to know what the way forward is in this situation? Could Young Minds advise?

Reading your update, I think it sounds like you are doing all the right things tbh.

You sound like you're doing the best you can under difficult circumstances.

She's old enough to face the consequences of her impulsive actions, like getting herself to a job at 5am or rehoming a cat. It's the only way she'll learn going forward.

As another pp suggested, could she stay with you for one or two nights every week? (Sounds like she does stay regularly anyway). Maybe by the time her lease is up next July things will have improved.

I'd do anything I could to help my adult kids, but not if it meant a younger child was suffering. The older one needs to realise you have boundaries and understand them.