Book recommendations/general advice? Parenting adult children.

[PharaohPh]

Can you recommend a book that you found helpful (preferably one available on Audible) or share any advice that you've found particularly useful when navigating parenting adult children (mine is very early twenties and, at the moment, still at home).

Unfortunately, neither DH or I have a good blueprint from our own parents and, well, life is quite different now anyway for a variety of reasons.

These two look good but at first glance seem to have conflicting advice:

(bite your tongue)

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Doing-Life-Your-Adult-Children/www.amazon.co.uk/Doing-Life-Your-Adult-Children/

(don't bite your tongue!)

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dont-Bite-Your-Tongue-Relationships/

The specific issue at the moment is very similar to this from 2.5 years ago - if that makes any difference.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/4523658-Sons-girlfriend

Thank you

He's an adult. Unless he's asking for your advice then I think you have to butt out, hard as it may be.

Or do things you might do with one of your friends, if you were concerned about something, like just chatting to him and asking questions which might involve him thinking about his response but not being made to feel criticised or attacked.

When we had a similar experience with DS1s first love, who I couldn't stand, but moved in with us without asking, I pretended I got on with them. Mainly because DS was besotted and being honest would have pushed him away. I did try very gently challenging some of the more obviously utterly selfish and unreasonable behaviour but DS just had rose tinted spectacles on and thought everything would be fine.

When they split up DS was devastated and I supported him but tried never to show the extent of what I'd really felt. Much prefer his new partner and DS has since said he now realises how manipulated he was. But he couldn't hear it from me. It took an older friend of his to point it out.

I'd also love a good guide to how to have a strong relationship with your adult children. DH and i do our best but we're guessing as I didn't really have great role models from my parents and DH's, while lovely, are far more distant and undemonstrative than I would want to be.

Thanks @TwigTheWonderKid - I think you’re right (yes, hard as it is!).

I think back to another time, over a year ago, when I said nothing about something that concerned me and a few months later I got ‘Why didn’t you say anything?!’. He did recognise that me saying something at the time wouldn’t have gone down well or made any difference though. This seems potentially more serious, but same applies. Will maintain our boundaries (which have been pushed) but no more.

Anyway, yes, I certainly don’t give out unsolicited advice or express concern to friends about their decisions and do not like it when I receive it! I’ll try the first book for moral support. Thank you.

Thank you @Autumnweddingguest - that was very helpful and reassuring to read.

We have made it clear that GF is not moving into our home (immediately started staying at ours way more than half the week and DS never at hers) but is very welcome up to 2/3 nights (that gets pushed to 3/4 but ok…) the result of that is that DS is thinking of moving out sooner rather than later. No mention of the other concerns, of which there are many.

Yes, I think that is what I’m looking for - a guide like that. I fear that I’m reacting in a way that is making me more distant and less loving. GF never says thank you for anything (lifts/takeaways/meals out/tickets for things) which I find very odd and it has made me much less likely to give now or summon up the motivation to say much more than hello. I dare say DS is picking upon it, which isn’t good.

What happens if you ask her a question like 'How was your day?' Or ask her to do something like help wash up?

@Autumnweddingguest that's made me think! It is all perfectly pleasant - she will answer in an engaged way although it never really goes beyond that, partly as it is always when they're on their way in or out or I am. I need to do more of that really. I've never actually asked her to do anything.

DS so far has done all of the cooking and clearing up for their meals, when I've been around to notice. That is pretty normal for us really - we do eat together as a family but we are out a lot with friends/clubs/sports/gigs and variable working hours. We all cook - we may eat in pairs or leave food to be heated later for someone else/put it in warming drawer. Definitely not a family with set meal times and most people in most evenings. With previous girlfriends I have cooked more for DS and GF but he is older now (and a competent cook) and I'm out more so...that hasn't happened yet with this GF.

Im with you and find it so hard. Dh though, who is their stepdad, finds it comes naturally to him and is so bloody amazing and supportive to them that they go to him for advice and not me. Galling!!