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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Should I visit DD this weekend?

66 replies

Hoppinggreen · 18/10/2024 10:04

DD seems to have settled into Uni pretty well, good balance between work and play (I think) but has been ill for the last 2 weeks. She got the usual Freshers flu and seemed to get over that but then went downhill again yesterday after spending Monday afternoon outside at a sporting event. She had a bit of an "episode" yesterday morning walking to a lecture and couldn't breathe and her vision blurred. She phoned a friend (luckily she has quickly made good friends) who came and met her and helped her back to her room. She got an Docs appointment and actually fell asleep in the waiting room. Her BP was very high and her oxygen was low and the Doc did ask if she could have been spiked but she hadn't as she wasn't even out the night before.
She is staying in her room for now but is coughing a lot and not sleeping well and feels awful, she has asthma and was hospitalised for it a couple of times when young so I always worry about her breathing
I am thinking of going to see her on Sunday but DH thinks I am being OTT. Its under 2 hours away and I have no plans that day - should I go? Or at least ask DD if I should? I don't want her to feel smothered but I am worried.
Her BF is there and she has nice friends, part of me thinks I should leave her to it but part of me thinks she needs her Mum
Honest opinions please

OP posts:
MiddleAgedDread · 18/10/2024 10:07

If she's that close I'd be tempted to ask her if she wants picking up this evening (if you can) and bring her home for a weekend of some TLC. It could be less miserable than being stuck in a uni room when ill.

Cynic17 · 18/10/2024 10:12

No. She needs to learn to manage this herself. I would have been mortified if my mother had rocked up and started fussing over me.

GrumpOlympics · 18/10/2024 10:18

Ask her if she'd like you to visit.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 18/10/2024 10:18

ok, so its 50/50 so far

OP posts:
MikeWozniaksMohawk · 18/10/2024 10:20

I would ask her.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 18/10/2024 10:20

GrumpOlympics · 18/10/2024 10:18

Ask her if she'd like you to visit.

She is likely to say yes if I want to however she feels about it.
My assertiveness training failed and she is very much a people pleaser, which is partly why I am posting so see if I am being a "smother".
I am usually confident in my decisions but this is all so new I genuinely don't know what to do

OP posts:
JaneFondue · 18/10/2024 10:21

I would absolutely go and take a care package!

ImNoSuperman · 18/10/2024 10:21

Ask her if she wants to come home for the weekend. She's an adult don't just turn up and make the decision.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 18/10/2024 10:21

ImNoSuperman · 18/10/2024 10:21

Ask her if she wants to come home for the weekend. She's an adult don't just turn up and make the decision.

Oh God, I would never just turn up or go if she said no (unlikely)

OP posts:
dijonketchup · 18/10/2024 10:22

I’d definitely ask if she wants you to come, and tell her she doesn’t need to be brave and suffer through alone to prove anything to anyone. If she says Yes I’d take her some cold supplies and go and have a look at her myself to set my mind at rest. That’s my style though, and only you know yours.

JWR · 18/10/2024 10:22

ask her. My DD would have absolutely been able to “manage it” but it’s always nice to feel cared for and thought about.

JaneFondue · 18/10/2024 10:22

I am recovering from a nasty bug myself and it's absolutely wiped me out. So yes, I would ask if she wants to come home and give her a bit of TLC.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 18/10/2024 10:22

JaneFondue · 18/10/2024 10:21

I would absolutely go and take a care package!

I have posted one

OP posts:
TheSecondMrsCampbellBlack · 18/10/2024 10:23

I would 100% go. My dd really struggled with her first year at uni and I went to spend the week with her 2 weeks in as she was really struggling. She needed me and it was the right thing to do. She was 7 hours away as well but it was still the right thing to do.

They are emotionally vulnerable, away from home the first time and they still need you. So IIWY I'd either go or collect her and let her spend a week at home.

I hope she feels better soon.

Idontlikeyou · 18/10/2024 10:24

Yes go, make sure she is ok. You don’t have to stay long.

It’s first term, a bit of smother is allowed.

indecisivewoman81 · 18/10/2024 10:25

I would go. I

TheSecondMrsCampbellBlack · 18/10/2024 10:25

And it wasn't new to me, my dd was my 3rd at uni, I still knew it was the right thing to do to go. I think your instincts are telling you to physically see her and you're right, you should. That sounds like a really scary episode.

Original poster
Hoppinggreen · 18/10/2024 10:25

dijonketchup · 18/10/2024 10:22

I’d definitely ask if she wants you to come, and tell her she doesn’t need to be brave and suffer through alone to prove anything to anyone. If she says Yes I’d take her some cold supplies and go and have a look at her myself to set my mind at rest. That’s my style though, and only you know yours.

Thing is I don't feel I do know my style anymore.
I miss her so much and would love to see her but I am very conscious of letting her be an adult as well.
DH thinks I should leave her to it but he is notoriously bad with illness and thinks vitamins, fermented food and a PMA can cure everything

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 18/10/2024 10:26

Ask her.
I'd have hated it but that's because of my relationship with my mother.

But if I'd have had a positive caring relationship with my mother then I'd have loved to be cared for when feeling so rough.

JaneFondue · 18/10/2024 10:28

Not smothering in my book. It's ok to love and care for them when they are ill. You are not rocking up to control her. I'd always trust your instinct and pay no attention to your DH.

Beamur · 18/10/2024 10:29

I'd go.
My Mum came and stayed with me for a week when I was ill with glandular fever and I was so pleased to have her there.

Singleandproud · 18/10/2024 10:29

If she's ill I'd ring her and ask If she wants you to pick her up today so she can recuperate over the weekend. I got really ill twice at uni and would have given anything to be taken back home and looked after but my Dad had to surrender his licence due to a medical issue and mum couldn't drive and it was 6+ hours on the train. I survived but it was a rubbish time.

Thingsthatgo · 18/10/2024 10:30

When I was a postgraduate my dad drove a long way to come and get me for the weekend when I had the flu. I was really unwell.
I will never forget that. I had felt quite vulnerable, and my parents made me feel so safe and cherished.

Gotabadfeelingaboutthis · 18/10/2024 10:31

I would go, and in her position I'd have wanted to see my mum but probably wouldn't have asked her to come.

Motnight · 18/10/2024 10:32

Go! (I speak as the mother of a DD who was hospitalised 3 weeks into her university course.)