Adult child's room

[Samk79]

Hi all

My daughter is nearly 23. She moved out 3 years ago to go to uni in Scotland. We are in the south west so she is a long way away!

We have kept her room for her but we really need to move the bedrooms around.

My dd did 3 years at uni and is now taking a year out and is working and renting a room in a house in Scotland. She really struggled with uni and for her last year there basically did none of the work she was meant to.

She is now talking about going back to uni which would be for another 3 years.

I have 2 other children, my sons are 17 and 4.
My 17 year old decided to move to his dad's in Cornwall for college last year. He comes home every 2 weekends and half the holidays.

My 4 year old has the box room for his bedroom. We would like to move him into my 17 year olds room and my 17 year old into his sisters room.

We would then have a single bed in the small room for when my dd is home. She constantly tells us she hates where we live and will never move back here yet expects us to keep her room. She had a wardrobe full of clothes she hadn't used for the last 3 years. I have asked her on several occasions when she is home including when she was home for 3 months last summer to go through her clothes and she hasn't.
I did tell her in the summer what our plans were but made a point of saying she would still have somewhere to sleep when she is home.

For context she has only been home for 2 weeks since last Christmas.

My daughter unfortunately takes after her dad who is a narcissist and she likes to control everything. My husband (my youngests dad) is adamant we need to move the rooms soon so my son has more space and somewhere to put all his toys. My daughter told a relative last week we won't move her room as it's the spare room and where my mum stays when she
Is down.

My husband and dd don't get on. She doesn't like him because he will not let her get away with how she has treated me and controlled Me over the years. She has also spoilt so many days out and holidays over the years with her behaviour. I just feel torn as I know it makes sense and I also know my youngest needs more room but I know my dd will
Kick off about it but she is the one telling us she will never move back!

I just wondered if anyone had had a similar situation!

It’s your house and she doesn’t live in it. Just move the rooms.

In fact do it this weekend. Far more important for a 4 year old who will spend the next 14 years in it to have a decent sized space than a 23 year old who uses it a couple of times a year. It’s not up to her and it’s not up for discussion.

As long as there’s always A room for her, crack on and move the rooms to suit the ones who live in the house

Of course a child who is living there full time (and who at that age probably has larger toys as well) should have the biggest room. Makes no sense at all for that to sit empty 95% of the year.

Why are you torn ? Your dd barely visits you. Swap the rooms round.

@Redshoeblueshoe
She doesn't have a great relationship with her dad. They had a big fall out 11 years ago when she was almost 11 and after that she refused to see him. She has been treated really badly by her dad and I do feel I've overcompensated for him a lot over the years

@Jeezitneverends there will always be a bed for her here even if it is in a tiny room! I guess I just worry if things didn't work out and she ends up coming back but then she does keep telling me how much she hates it here!

@AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells we are planning to do it after x mad as we are planning to decorate our room so we will be in her room for a short time.

It's so frustrating she has made no effort to sort her things out over the last 3 years especially when last summer she was back for 3 months and hardly worked!

She won’t have much choice when it’s in bags in the garage, will she? Let her know it’s happening. Plenty of time for her to adjust and get cracking.

My parents (guardian relatives not mum and dad) sold their house within a month of me moving out! I still have a room though. It’s still ‘home’ too.

I don’t think you need her permission. Just tell her about the changes.

why is she doing an advanced degree if she struggled to do work in her third year?

Unless she pays rent for the room it's not hers. Move the rooms and tell her once you've done it. Let her rant and blow out, don't try to justify yourself, just repeat that she will have a bed at your home, and then it will be done.

Has she ever been diagnosed with anything? You describe her as narcissistic but I have to say she sounds very much like my daughter, who is 25. She has an autism diagnosis, though you would never guess. She struggles with lots of areas of life that come easily to other people and one of these involves her bedroom.

She was always deeply attached to her room and hated anyone entering without her say so. I cleaned it out when she was at a school camp when she was 14 and she was hysterical - I knew she would be but it had to be done. She has never forgiven me!

Anyway, she moved out in the summer to live with her boyfriend but she is still possessive about the room. Tbf we don't need it right now but I do have plans for it. And she is avoidant ranging to hysterical whoever I mention it.

I think it is partly the symbolism of what it represents. She saw it as her haven and she is not ready to let it go.

Could your daughter be feeling the same?

Looking at in from your daughter’s point of view she doesn’t have a relationship with her dad and probably looks on your home as her security. Even if she says she hates it. Maybe she doesn’t come home very often because she doesn’t feel very welcome. Her stepfather doesn’t seem to like her much and you seem very critical of her.

Depends if she's likely to return, also I'm guessing the youngest is a half sibling, this means it seems the new child is taking her place. As unfair as it seems, you might be causing a lot of issues

My parents turned my room into an office during my first term at uni! The bed was still there in the corner for me to use, but there was no question the there going to utilize the space as they saw fit.

Just do it, OP. Your youngest needs a bigger room now and your DD only visits occasionally, she doesn’t need the space.

I would actually put the 4yo in the biggest of the three rooms you use for the kids.

He's there full time & won't be off to Uni/move away for work/meet a partner & move in with them any time soon, unlike his 17yo brother who is there part time & will presumably be there less & less as he becomes an adult.

As for dd, I'd just crack on, tell her once it's done, & let her rage about it from a distance. She can't hold the room hostage forever.

When mine moved out we used the house to best suit the remaining DC. The ones who have moved out have a bed space if they stay over, not a room.

I don't think I'd tell her - let her find out when she says she's next coming home.

@Arran2024 I do think she could be autistic, I said this to her a few years ago and she said she didn't want any testing as she didn't want to have a label.
She is very clever and has always been very particular about things, especially food.

I do understand that she gets very attached to things which I feel bad taking her room away but we have kept it for the last 3 years and she is almost 23 now!

@MSLRT
I do understand it's difficult for her to come home as she doesn't get in with my husband.

She moans she isn't a part of the family but when she was back for 3 months last year, she spent most of her days in bed. She would be awake most of the night, be up making noise and then all day in bed. She didn't bother showering or eating.

She clearly has some underlying mental health issues, I've paid for her to have counselling twice and supported her to go to CAMHS but she wouldn't engage with them at all.

I alway make sure we have time just us when she is back.
I do get it's hard for her but she has been so rude to ne in the past. She has also on several occasions got really drunk at home, she even got her then 15 year old brother drunk in tequila and she was sick everywhere and all in her bed.

It probably sounds like we are being really unfair but there is a lot more to it

@mitogoshigg
Yes the 4 year old is a half sibling to her.
I do appreciate she may feel he is taking her place but he is the one who is here all the time and she isn't

@CorvusPurpureus
Thank you, it makes sense to move the 4 year old into the 17 year olds room as it's next to the living room so he would be able to keep his toys in his bedroom meaning we get our living room back!

Oh ffs !! She's 23 NOT 5 !!

@Samk79 She’s nearly 19 years older than him as well, surely she can understand that at this stage in their lives, he needs the bigger room more than she does, because she’s hardly there!

@Puppyyikes
My point exactly!
She really struggled with the work and didn't tell me for a while that she had stopped going to all her lessons! She basically spent a year doing nothing and spending most of her time in bed!
It's a shame as she is so clever!