Adult child's room

[Samk79]

Hi all

My daughter is nearly 23. She moved out 3 years ago to go to uni in Scotland. We are in the south west so she is a long way away!

We have kept her room for her but we really need to move the bedrooms around.

My dd did 3 years at uni and is now taking a year out and is working and renting a room in a house in Scotland. She really struggled with uni and for her last year there basically did none of the work she was meant to.

She is now talking about going back to uni which would be for another 3 years.

I have 2 other children, my sons are 17 and 4.
My 17 year old decided to move to his dad's in Cornwall for college last year. He comes home every 2 weekends and half the holidays.

My 4 year old has the box room for his bedroom. We would like to move him into my 17 year olds room and my 17 year old into his sisters room.

We would then have a single bed in the small room for when my dd is home. She constantly tells us she hates where we live and will never move back here yet expects us to keep her room. She had a wardrobe full of clothes she hadn't used for the last 3 years. I have asked her on several occasions when she is home including when she was home for 3 months last summer to go through her clothes and she hasn't.
I did tell her in the summer what our plans were but made a point of saying she would still have somewhere to sleep when she is home.

For context she has only been home for 2 weeks since last Christmas.

My daughter unfortunately takes after her dad who is a narcissist and she likes to control everything. My husband (my youngests dad) is adamant we need to move the rooms soon so my son has more space and somewhere to put all his toys. My daughter told a relative last week we won't move her room as it's the spare room and where my mum stays when she
Is down.

My husband and dd don't get on. She doesn't like him because he will not let her get away with how she has treated me and controlled Me over the years. She has also spoilt so many days out and holidays over the years with her behaviour. I just feel torn as I know it makes sense and I also know my youngest needs more room but I know my dd will
Kick off about it but she is the one telling us she will never move back!

I just wondered if anyone had had a similar situation!

First response nails it

Just move the rooms, she's left home and you will still have space for her to come and stay.

@Button28384738
Thank you, we won't get rid of any of her stuff as we have a storage unit to keep it all in. She has a lot of crap we have been asking her to sort for 2 years and she has made no effort!

Perfect, stick it in the storage unit!

The way to look at it is the 4 year old is there 365 days a year and compare that to how many days she spent there over the last year. Definitely move all the rooms round to whatever works for those who live there all of the time or most of the time.

I wouldn't but I have a different relationship with my children. However my older 3 children have fully moved out and bought a property each so we have done a change of rooms - my twins shared until they were 18 and now they have a room each - their older siblings don't mind because all their things are in their new places.

I suppose I should add I helped the children buy a first place - not to get rid of them from the home (and some rented away after university anyway) but may be helping the "nasty" daughter buy her own place with lots of space for her possessions could be part of retaining a relationship with her and all her things having a place in her new place.

I think rooms should rotate when children start university. The oldest should rotate to the least desirable room because they are only home during breaks. Then every other child moves up a step.

Unless they are living at home and then it is a discussion, but some room shuffling may still need to happen.

keeping a room for a child that has a job and their own home is just silly. They can stay in a guest room if they visit.

Was wondering the same as she sounds like my 23 yr old daughter with an ASD dx.

When she was younger I briefly thought both her and her dad were narcissists but then it became clear she was struggling with undiagnosed autism.
Her dx opened a whole new perspective on my husband, myself and other child's neuro divergence.
Although my husband/her dad is not formally diagnosed we all realise he is most likely autistic as well.

Since being diagnosed she understands herself a lot better as well which makes things a bit easier.

Personally I wouldn't touch the 17 yo room just yet.

I'd move DD's things to the loft and the 4yo into her room.

Decorate the box room for DD and tell her she's welcome to sleep there whenever she likes.

My DD also ASD can 'over react' like this - seems narcissitic but insists she is only ever thinking about others .. @Arran2024 & @Teaortea how do you cope? Now she's over 18 she seems worse - I'm starting to wear thin! She's not going to Uni anytime soon - she has some support. But a lot of the time anything I say is wrong - I don't question where she's going or who with but politely asked to let us know if she was staying out all night or not and I was completely attacked for that!! Argh. Tips gratefully received!

Hi. My daughter has PDA, which is pathological demand avoidance syndrome. It is anxiety based and direct demands or questions can send her into a panic attack. It looks like bad behaviour but it is more complicated than that. It is easier to deal with within a framework of anxiety rather than willfulness or rudeness. For me that means not confronting her with direct demands and trying to help her deescalate when it all kicks off.

Hope that helps

Asd can present as selfish and self centred which we can take personally but I think it gets easier when you view it differently and non personally.
My dd was only diagnosed when she was 14 but it made so much sense. I read a lot about asd and also adhd to help me understand how she thinks. Also talking to her in calm moments is really helpful.
My dd also watches videos about asd which has helped her communicate better and understand herself, and also then explain to me in calm moments how she might be feeling and why she acts a certain way.
Anxiety and hormonal imbalances are often issues as well with neurodivergenr women so it's worth looking at ways to help alleviate both.
We found magnesium glycimate to be really helpful for both anxiety and hormonal issues.

The 4 year old who is the only child who lives there should absolutely without a doubt have the best room. I wouldn't even be discussing it I'd just move the stuff. If you have a room for her to stay in that's all you neednand that's being generous she's moved out.

One of my friends has three children, one of whom is diagnosed with ASD. She’s said that they’ve realized that their other two children willingly make a lot of compromises for their brother, but they also can’t miss out on everything.

This situation is clear-cut-your 4-year-old needs a larger room 365 days a year and your 23-year-old needs a bed to sleep two weeks a year. Her things can go into the storage unit until she needs them.

@Teaortea that's useful to know, I have wondered about a pattern with her cycle .. so thanks for the tip. she takes magnesium oxide but maybe that's different? I've recently read ADHD in women & girls and hoping to read further on ASD, some of the things I've read so far arent typically her as she's very sociable although socially anxious if that makes sense! I try and validate her feelings as much as possible and listen rather than question.
Sorry Didnt mean to hijack the thread but found it relevant, thank you.

From what I could tell magnesium glycimate works better for cycles, might be worth a try?
Re being social, my dd is both social and needs her own space. She likes seeing friends and going out, but has to recharge on her own for long periods of time.
It's difficult when they are at home, it's always so helpful to know it's not personal!

Thanks everyone for your replies, it's reassured me I'm not being out of order!
I do agree that my daughter likely has ASD and she struggles with change. It's just hard as she doesn't want to help herself and has rejected all help I've offered her in the past!

Can you box her stuff up and put it in the roof. If she comes for Christmas maybe have the boxes visible, she does it or you do it in Jan. I’d not move everyone, just swap with the smallest, the other will leave soon too and doesn’t have big toys (I presume).

I'm a similar age to your oldest OP, I've recently finished uni and stayed in my uni town. My room at home is currently filled with storage boxes from both my late grandmothers hous as they've both passed within the last couple of years and my parents are still doing a massive declutter in their home too.

In your situation I agree with the other comments > boxing up the stuff and put it somewhere safe e.g. attic, so you can help her declutter anything she doesn't want anymore. If she visits for Christmas she might like to pick a new room colour if thats an option. A family trip to Ikea/Dunelm could also be an idea? (just could make it sound more exciting).

@Samk79 I am in a similar situation to you. I have an older DD at uni in another part of the country. I’m with my partner (not her dad) and we have two little ones. My eldest has the biggest room in the house and it’s empty a lot of the time.

I actually have a different perspective from most of the posts on here. I feel that it would be really harsh for my DD to be told she’s moving to a box room so that her little siblings can take the biggest room. While of course it might make practical sense, I think symbolically doing this would be really upsetting for her as it could make her feel like she’s being pushed out. It might be different if it wasn’t a step-parent involved. But for me, I think keeping her room available for her is an important way to show she’s always welcome and it’s always her home even though I have a new partner and more children. When she does come home, I even try make an effort to make her room feel homely as it can feel a bit strange all empty when most of their stuff is at their uni place.

Could you not do something temporary like let the youngest use it as a play room when you DD isn’t home and then clear out the toys on the occasions she comes home?

Eventually your older kids will make a permanent home elsewhere and that’s when I would consider changing the rooms around, but while they’re students it’s still all a bit temporary.

@AnnieStar12
Thank you for your reply. I think if my dd said she was coming home, it would be different. She is the one who tells us she won't ever move back. It's quite rural where we live and she likes city life!
If she does go back to uni next year after taking a year out, it will be 3 years from then until she finishes.
By that time, she would have been away for 7 years and comes back at the most twice a year. We just can't justify keeping her room for all that time

@iPreferBooks
Thank you for your reply
We are happy to keep most her stuff. She does need to go through her clothes though as she has a whole wardrobe of clothes she has not used for the last 3 years!