So unimportant to my adult son..Support thread for others..

[Ariatthearena]

Whilst we’re not estranged it certainly feels like it. Slowly the phone calls have dwindled, as have the visits. My husband doesn’t feel it as I do. It hurts so much and I’m constantly working on myself to deal with it. My daughter is ND, we’re nothing alike but I work hard to keep us ok together. She can be hard work though, not easy.
If anyone else is going through similar, please know I’m here and will listen to your story…
Any advice welcome…please be kind I’m low today with it…

Do you live close by or far apart? What else do you have to fulfill your life? It’s quite normal for adult children to live their own lives, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unimportant to your son.

Do you send text messages? I can't remember the last time I spoke with mine on the phone but we do text regularly. If I've nothing to say there is usually something on Twitter of interest or to make him laugh to send him. I think text messages don't seem such a demand on their time as they can respond when they choose. I'm sorry you are feeling low.

How often do you initiate contact or plans to meet?

I have taken a step back from my parents as I feel it's always me so all the calling and visiting and it's tiring- I have a very busy life and they are both retired so have more capacity (and money!) to do things.

My mother announced about a month ago that she was no longer going to contact my siblings as it’s always her that does it. She didn’t tell them this though. Just stopped.

Sadly, she has not spoken, text, contacted any of them and they have not contacted her.

it’s curious how long it will go on for. Probably indefinitely.

How often do you contact him? Is it always phone calls? As others have said WhatsApp abs texts are easier.

How old is he? Does he have a family? Children? A busy job?

Surely it's natural for levels of communication to ebb and flow. I'm in my 50s so from the generation where it was less easy to send a text or a whatsapp and yes in my 20s and early 39s my job and friends were more important to me than my DPs.

How old is he? What is happening in his life at the moment, university, career, travel, marriage, house?

Life can be pretty full on in their 20s and 30s, the world is full of exciting new stuff.

Rather than phoning, create a family Facebook group, and then he can add stuff when he gets time, so you'll see what's going on in his life. You'll be able to show him all the stuff you and his DF do, without chasing him down for a phone call. Your dd might find that easier to join in too.

How bizarre, if they’ve become used to her calling they’ll think she’s decided to stop speaking to them then? Wouldn’t so many things be better with just sone actual communication of what she’s obviously decided is a problem :(

Men are less likely to keep in touch. It's probably a sign that he's got a busy and successful life. It'll be different when the grandchildren come along and he needs childcare.

It will be normal for him to be living his own life but can imagine imagine it’s painful for you.

Do initiate contact or wait for him?

Like others have said do you WhatsApp / text instead of call?

Are you on Facebook or social media so you get a feel for what’s going on in his life if he posts anything and share in / support him that way and send him any funny stuff etc like others have said?

You do need to find a balance between checking in with eachother and expecting too much cont at though, you’ve raised him to adulthood and now it’s his time to live his life xx

How often do you see/speak? What would be the right amount for you?

A family WhatsApp group can be a good way to chat without adding pressure- because there are multiple people in the chat it’s a bit more free and easy.

There was a letter about this to the Guardian’s agony aunt a few weeks ago and a thread on here which you might be able to find. I liked Philippa’s advice in the column (although responses on Mumsnet ranged from lovely idea to urgh, too much pressure!)
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/25/i-miss-my-adult-children-so-much-it-feels-like-grief

Your OP reads like he does all the contact, how often do you contact him?

If I didn't contact my mum I'd never hear from her and it really pisses me off

My husband is the same as you and v hurt but it so he has more or less stopped now and they haven't picked up the phone. They'll comment then at a family gathering that he's dreadful at keeping in touch.

I hate speaking on the phone! Always have done, even when it was the only way to contact someone at a distance other than writing a letter.

I much prefer casual messaging though e.g.WhatsApp. When I phone my parent, I have to find at least an hour or so of uninterrupted time and deal with a glitchy line (they insist on talking on speaker mode, which I understand, but there's sonething not right with the signal) and so I find myself putting it off.

I contact everyone else in my life -friends and family- on WhatsApp and keep long chats to when we meet up, which I much prefer.

If I were you, I message him on a casual basis, and periodically invite him to meet up / visit so I'd have a date to look forward to.

My MIL lives a 5 mins drive from us (if that). We hardly ever speak to her (think I may have spoken to her last Xmas). DD her granddaughter is 14 now and she has never taken her out for the day or taken her to the park, babysat her or had her over for a sleepover. Has just never bothered and it was ALWAYS us that initiated family meals etc but to be honest we have stopped bothering now - DH and DD are obviously just very unimportant to her. Thing is when we have got together it's always been nice and we all get on well, I don't get it. DH adamant then when she's old she'll be on her own.

I think this is especially true for families where it's always been seen as "women's work" to manage social connections and kept in touch with the in laws. Boys grow up thinking it's ok to be lazy communicators.

Also, I think socially, many women keep up doing social activities with their daughters in the way that they don't with sons. Eg going for coffee etc. I think your communication style with your kids is probably set during their teens, many years before they actually leave home.

I think sadly alot of adult children of my generation / in their 30s, don’t value or respect their parents much and don’t actively like them. They would never tell them this, of course, and I think most parents are completely unaware.

pretty much every single one of my friends thinks their parents are self centred and emotionally immature. There’s been massive changes over expectations of parents and how we all live over the last few decades and I know many people resent the way their parents are.

Sometimes I think they're just busy, and we overthink. I can get upset as I don't get told things, don't get calls as often as I'd like, but I just dust myself off and messsge them. We have a family chat which helps tbh.

Really? Seems unlikely to be universally true. Maybe 'your generation' have unreasonable expectations?

My DCs are in their 40’s with very busy lives, I have plenty of things to keep me occupied and I definitely don’t expect them to have regular contact, we message each other and meet up occasionally. Certainly we’re not affronted that the other isn’t in constant touch.

@Onelifeonly i didn’t say it was universally true. I said “a lot” of my generation, and most of my friends. That’s what’s happening in my social circle, others may be different and I never said otherwise.

your response sort of sums up how our parents would feel, hence why many don’t even bother opening that can of worms. My friends often say “oh I can’t talk to my parents about X or Y as they wouldn’t understand / wouldn’t listen”

im not saying that’s what’s going on with the OP’s child or yours for that matter, but I know it does with many and their parents just aren’t aware in the slightest. My DH barely tolerates his dad, who most probably thinks it’s just because he is ‘busy’ that they have little contact. My parents are selfish and I have disengaged from them beyond polite small talk as I am fed up of them treating me like a child and expecting me to “do as I’m told” 🤷‍♀️

Yep, I'm in my 30s and can completely relate to this.

I don't know anyone who is particularly close to their parents, and quite a few who dislike / are LC with their parents.

I think expectations of interpersonal relationships have changed enormously in recent years, and now a lot of my generation (rightly, imo) distance themselves from drama, interference, stress etc. even if that means keeping their parents at arm's length in their lives.

Also it’s sort of irrelevant whether our expectations are unreasonable not. Again, that’s part of a common mindset problem of my parents generation. In a healthy relationship, both sides should listen to the other and seek to understand and validate how they are feeling, and work to an understanding. Often, older parents don’t do that, they minimise their adult child’s feelings and are stuck with this “parental heirachy” where they don’t really respect their child as an adult. So the child doesn’t want to be around them.

Your case in point, you know nothing about me, my friends, our parents and our expectations. But you jump to the side that they are unreasonable. Why ? 🤷‍♀️