So unimportant to my adult son..Support thread for others..

[Ariatthearena]

Whilst we’re not estranged it certainly feels like it. Slowly the phone calls have dwindled, as have the visits. My husband doesn’t feel it as I do. It hurts so much and I’m constantly working on myself to deal with it. My daughter is ND, we’re nothing alike but I work hard to keep us ok together. She can be hard work though, not easy.
If anyone else is going through similar, please know I’m here and will listen to your story…
Any advice welcome…please be kind I’m low today with it…

We do a weekly or so FaceTime with mil (85) can you do that ?

Are you me? 😂

I have distanced myself from my parents because they still think I'm 16, living in their house and about to sit my GCSEs. Not a 34 year-old woman with a career, my own flat and who hasn't depended on them for over a decade.

I literally tell them nothing important - I've been grey rocking for years.

My aim was to raise independent children. I think that’s our main job as parents. My eldest texts but never calls. He’s off living his best life. We probably see him twice a year. I fill my life with things you can’t do, when you have dependent children.

You've successfully launched a fully independent adult, maybe look at it that way?

Our job (as parents of neurotypical offspring without health issues or disabilities at any rate) is to make ourselves largely redundant by the time they're in their mid twenties. After that if course it'd be nice if they stayed in touch because they actually liked us! I think that goes in phases though and it's developmentally normal and appropriate for there to be a phase where parents are not that important because the adult offspring is spreading their wings, building a career and home, meeting a partner and in the first intense honeymoon phase of their adult long-term partnership etc.

If you don't push and cling and are low drama he'll probably enjoy your company and be in touch more in future.

If you love something, let it go - and all that. Being a parent of adults is new territory for me too, but mine haven't moved out yet... It's an interesting phase...

I remember being like this when I was in my early twenties.

My mum sent be a postcard after about six months of not hearing from me (pre mobile phones and social media) with a selection of tick boxes from "miserable" to "incredibly happy". Some people would find that passive-aggressive, but I thought it was very funny, and phoned her straight away.

Young people can be thoughtless. I know I was. I always loved them, just didn't think about them much.

There is definitely truth to this. I try to have a good relationship with mine. But I do feel a lot of resentment, despite trying not to. They were not brilliant parents by anyone's standards, but that part I do forgive them for, even the violence. But the self-centred, frivolous, extreme self-indulgence style of their retirement is hard to swallow. They had so much help from their own parents, I was practically raised by my grandparents they provided so much childcare. And yet my children hardly see their grandparents, they are off on cruises 85% of the year.

It's so, so important for each of you to live your own lives. Everyone has different preferences to how often you talk. Some like to talk every day, others once a week, others less often. The issues occur when you both have different preferences - but that doesn't mean they don't care about you! You need to have a chat about this, and agree on how to move forward. In the meantime, you need other things to fill your time.

It's really hard, you want them to be independent but when they are you're left feeling quite, maybe bereft is too strong a word, but a definite sadness.

This is interesting. It may be true to some extent, although I'm not sure in what way I or other parents I know have been "emotionally immature", as it's now so hard if not impossible for parents in difficult circs to raise DC responsibly. Parents have too many unreasonable expectations on them, that's what I feel.

Fwiw I think exactly the same about my young adult DC: selfish and very immature. Yes I do think they are snowflakey, despite my best efforts.

I just don't like what digital has done to people and their communication and can't shake off that thought.

A text or WhatsApp doesn't take the place of a proper spoken conversation. They are fine for quick How are you? All well? Etc but neither are the same as a proper conversation. Sadly something we are all losing the art of.

I once got a call from my Mum saying 'remember me I'm your mother'. (Joking not passive aggressively.)

Relationships in life ebb and flow depending on what people have got going on in their own lives. Now, many years later, I speak to my Mum every day. Just keep the channels open.

@Wentie excellent posts on this thread.

I think modern technology is great for multi generation communication.
It means we can chat with DS on WhatsApp who has just left for uni , or send holiday photos by email to my DPs. If I tried to push DS to do a weekly call it wouldn't feel as natural.

This is very very true imo, I caught myself a few years ago starting to follow the same pattern and after a conversation with my eldest on the cusp of his teenage years decided to change the way I interacted with him, he really is so smart, I've learnt a lot from him and we now have such a better relationship and we communicate efficiently and effectively together, it's wonderful tbh.

I really identify with this so much.

My parents have even managed to convince a very elderly, childless relative to change their will to benefit them rather than us (neices and nephews) as was planned for many years. My mother has an excellent old style public sector pension and got out with a high value early pension packet as part of restructuring but feels incredibly hard done by in spite of now having been retired longer than she ever worked!

My parents are genuinely the most emotionally immature people I know but they're in their late seventies now so I doubt any sudden change will happen. It's depressing.

You don't say how old your adult son is, or what stage in his life he is. All of these can factor but without this information hard to elaborate. But I can share with you from my experience this can be normal for a phase. From early twenties for almost a full decade my mum definitely made wayyy more effort than me. I love/d her, but I was navigating an adult life, trying (often failing!) to make good choices, trying to meet a life partner, get on with my career etc. I would only contact or see her occasionally, usually when things went wrong tbh. Now I'm married with young kids we are much more aligned. We see her every week and just went on holiday with her recently. But I'm in my early 40's now. Also to add it always feels good when my mum has her own things going on and is focussing on herself. This makes it more enjoyable to hang out, and feel less pressured. Try and concentrate on the other things you enjoy about your life, I'm sure your son loves you very much and less contact right now doesn't change that it just means he's finding his own way right now x

To be fair, I think complaining about one's parents is not uncommon and never has been. The "generation gap" has always existed. Dealing with each other as equal adults as opposed to parent v dependent child can be tricky to negotiate and the change is hard for some to accept - especially on the parents' side, but also from the adult child's point of view when their parents are not always fully available any more.

Edit: quoted previous post about the older generation but somehow lost that. As I can't delete this whole post I've just left one paragraph of mine.

I don’t think it’s either/or. In fact I think keeping a relaxed, easy way of communicating open actually makes proper conversations more likely as well.

I remember DH struggling with this with his mum. We were busy with jobs and babies but when we saw or called her, a lot of the time was taken up with her chastising us for not calling more. As a result calling became this terribly laden thing which DH would do out of a sense of duty but never enjoy.

People think I'm lucky, my dc rings a few times a week, but that's when they are walking to the gym, shops etc. Never a sit down and call, so a very disjointed conversation. They live hundreds of miles away, always too busy to visit, if I suggest visiting them (stay in hotel), busy, or feel they have to entertain me 24 hrs a day whilst I'm there. When they call, the conversation is a moan about their job, very rarely ask how we are. Lovely person, but self absorbed. I feel as if I'm begging to see them, feel like I'm a useless mum. Told I'm not good at communicating and maybe I should have counselling... I'd laugh about it, but it does hurt....

I remember a boyfriend 40 years ago who phoned his mum once a week, every Friday at 6pm. She thought they had a great relationship, but I saw him preparing for the phone call for several hours before hand. He handled it like a traumatic experience.

She always had an opinion about everything he did and I suppose it was still very much a mother and child relationship, when he was spreading his wings and becoming independent.

I like this ‘if you love something..let it go’…

I have two adult dc's living in different cities miles away from us (moved away after Uni) and what honestly keeps us going is a group family Messenger or WhatsApp chat, we send messages, funny pictures (think camera of your nose kind of thing!) words of encouragement, moans, pet pictures, all sorts on it. Every now and then we have a group phone call.
Anything really that keeps the lines of communication open.
It's for all of us. I rarely speak to one child alone these days.
It works for us, we feel we are all in the same room and rarely a day goes by when nobody says anything at all.

We also follow each other on 'find my' so a quick message to say 'where are you?
I feel very lucky that we all feel close but without that group chat I imagine it would be easy for the distance to widen.

I hope you can turn this on its head and congratulate yourself on raising a fully fledged adult. I get you must feel sad for yourself but pls try and feel proud of yourself too!
the group WhatsApp chat that’s been suggested is a great idea. These are such a lifeline and keep my family together with daily funny stories/ pics etc.
stay calm and find interests for yourself and there will be times in his life where he will want and need you more in the future and he will love and respect the amazing mum you’ve been xx

I think they go in phases, according to current happenings in their own adult lives. He'll come back around.