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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

23 DS and rude

34 replies

Tired1556 · 16/09/2024 23:09

DS has finished his degree, returned home and understandably doesn't want to be here. I totally get it. I never wanted to return back home after completion my degree. He is days into a new job and doesn’t want to be there, hates it. Plans not to return which is unacceptable in my world. Manners count for nothing. No one just leaves a job without something to go too.

I’m a single parent paying all the bills because he is reluctant to give any house keeping despite agreeing too. I have no more money that I can give him, I don’t eat properly during the week before I get paid to ensure he has food available to eat. I’m at my wits end with him, worried sick to the point that I panic. His dad’s useless and offers no support. Other family members reckon I need to be not so harsh on him. I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
MokkaLotta · 16/09/2024 23:13

Other family members reckon I need to be not so harsh on him.

Send him to live with them.

Chicca1970 · 16/09/2024 23:16

Make sure he contributes if working - buying and cooking his own food, keeping his room clean & tidy - tell him he can live elsewhere if he doesn’t like your rules. Support him in getting a more suitable job if he continues to dislike the current one.

You have all my sympathy OP. I too am a longtime single parent working 48hrs per week at 54yrs of age with outrageously useless ex - I am throwing the towel in soon and prioritising myself - I adore my adult kids and will always support but I no longer want to live with them! 🌼🌺🌹🌸

TheSmallAssassin · 16/09/2024 23:19

He needs to buy his own food, at least. Having him back should not make you worse off, please stop going without food for yourself!

AspiringChatBot · 16/09/2024 23:23

I’m a single parent paying all the bills because he is reluctant to give any house keeping despite agreeing too.

Why is he not giving it to you as agreed? Does he know you are out of money and going hungry because he is eating your food without contributing his share?

I have no more money that I can give him, I don’t eat properly during the week before I get paid to ensure he has food available to eat.

Tell him there is literally no money for food because you have used up what you had and are waiting for him to contribute his share. Then reiterate that you need his share on x day (date) each week (month), no later and if for some reason he can't pay he needs to tell you as soon as he knows there's a problem, and he must tell you what's going on and how late his share will be.

I'm sorry you're in this position and I know it's hard but you can't go hungry to feed him. You feel sorry for him, sure, but come on - you must know that his behaviour toward you is unacceptable. He HAS a job; if that is his only source of the income to pay what he agreed to pay then he needs to stay there until he finds something else.

Any chance he could go live with his dad, or is that completely impossible?

Avatartar · 16/09/2024 23:41

You’ve got to sit him down with your wage slips and bank statements and show him you can’t afford to subsidise him. money is money no matter how it’s earned. Ok he hates his job, it’s often said that it’s so much easier to find another job when you already have one.
he must apply for other jobs, pulling sickies if needed for interview.
Does he want to quit and sleep in the street until he swaps jobs or keep with it until he gets another?
Take him food shopping or make him buy it so he understands the cost, then agree a rental sum to be paid to you, with him

CrispieCake · 17/09/2024 00:45

Tell him to shape up or sling his hook.

faroutnow · 17/09/2024 20:41

Ds has just started his working life after graduating - he is really quite annoyed about having to pay for anything - but he will and he'll just have to get over it. He's had a few tantrums and we give him space to come to terms with it. Stay firm, stay calm and stick to your guns - he's an adult and he needs to pay his way, if he doesn't like his job, he needs to get another, you cannot carry him - it's so tough for many of them to accept this - growing up is scary at first but he should have no choice. He's able - he should work.

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2024 16:05

He doesn't get a choice

But if he just walks out of his job will he bother to look for another?

Don't give him any money and don't spend your money on luxuries for him. He wants steak for dinner? He'll get mince if he's lucky

Original poster
Tired1556 · 22/09/2024 15:16

Thanks all for your replies. He has decided to stick at his job for the time being, No mention of rent until today when I mentioned it in a conversation and got sworn at. It’s not going to happen so now I need to decide not to ask again or ask him to move out because I can’t afford for him to live rent and bill free. I don’t understand why he can’t see that he has to pay, it was a condition of moving back home because I can’t afford to let him live with me.

OP posts:
CrispieCake · 22/09/2024 15:37

Tired1556 · 22/09/2024 15:16

Thanks all for your replies. He has decided to stick at his job for the time being, No mention of rent until today when I mentioned it in a conversation and got sworn at. It’s not going to happen so now I need to decide not to ask again or ask him to move out because I can’t afford for him to live rent and bill free. I don’t understand why he can’t see that he has to pay, it was a condition of moving back home because I can’t afford to let him live with me.

Tell him he can pay a sensible rent or his stuff will be left outside in binbags next weekend for him to collect.

Don't pander to his overblown sense of entitlement.

Original poster
Tired1556 · 24/09/2024 20:53

Is anyone struggling with a YP that has finished uni and had to move back home?

OP posts:
PolaroidPrincess · 25/09/2024 21:13

Tired1556 · 24/09/2024 20:53

Is anyone struggling with a YP that has finished uni and had to move back home?

No we've not got that far yet, our eldest is a little younger.

You sound like you're really struggling though Flowers

LoneAndLoco · 02/10/2024 23:47

This attitude seems to go along with the “I didn’t ask to be born” mantra. This generation seems to imagine their parents will keep them for ever. Well we can’t and shouldn’t have to - especially not in your position doing it all alone.

You need to ask for a set amount of rent on a set day each month. Say £200 to cover food but so he can save for his own place.

Unfortunately so many youngsters these days do feel parents owe them a living for ever. Time for a reality check. My DC were shocked when I finally told them I didn’t ask to be born either!

candlewhickgreen · 02/10/2024 23:53

Are you claiming all the benefits you're entitled to? You could try Turn2us to take a look.

If you're going hungry please use a foodbank, that's exactly what they're there for.

Your son needs to either make a contribution towards food and bills or move out.

MumChp · 03/10/2024 00:05

Tired1556 · 22/09/2024 15:16

Thanks all for your replies. He has decided to stick at his job for the time being, No mention of rent until today when I mentioned it in a conversation and got sworn at. It’s not going to happen so now I need to decide not to ask again or ask him to move out because I can’t afford for him to live rent and bill free. I don’t understand why he can’t see that he has to pay, it was a condition of moving back home because I can’t afford to let him live with me.

If he won't pay ask him to leave. He is a spoilt brat. He might need to go learning by doing. As a grown up you pay rent, bills and food. And behave yourself.
If he won't leave stuff in a box outside home while he is at work and fit new locks.

Geppili · 03/10/2024 00:07

Is he using drugs?

Original poster
Tired1556 · 13/10/2024 15:35

A very bad weekend, screamed and sworn at because no food and his clothes weren’t washed and sworn at today. Neighbours must hear everything he does and says.
Telling him to leave doesn’t work, his response is make me and he’s right I can’t. My family don’t see any of this behaviour. I’m at breaking point.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 13/10/2024 15:42

This is abusive, he is abusing you.

Next time he goes to work put his stuff outside and put a bolt on the door or change the locks, save up if necessary but get him out, he can not be allowed to treat you like this, he is an adult, adults pay for their housing and food, they wash their clothes and there are legal consequences if they abuse someone even if that's their mother.

Stop listening to family members, if they have a problem with this then they can house him, ignore them and protect yourself and your home.

LoneAndLoco · 13/10/2024 16:24

I agree it’s abuse. It’s also very hard to manage on your own. You must feel vulnerable.

If he is working and earning why doesn’t he have any money? Where is it going?

SeulementUneFois · 13/10/2024 16:28

Please change the locks, as per the post above.
At the very least tell all the family what he's been like - your post of today.
Ideally create a WhatsApp group with all of them and him included and write it there to everyone in detail.
It's likely that next he'll hit you?

BruFord · 13/10/2024 17:12

Stay strong, OP. You don't need to wash his clothes or provide his food - especially as you genuinely can't afford to buy it. That's what his salary is for.

Doesn't he realize that he's been an adult for five years now? He needs to start behaving like one.

PolaroidPrincess · 13/10/2024 17:21

I honestly don't know what to advise. You must feel very vulnerable Flowers

WireItBackToZero · 13/10/2024 17:24

You can make him leave by calling the police and they would certainly help you. So either he moves out voluntarily or the police will escort him out. There is no way you should accept this behaviour from a grown man. Phone 101 and ask for their advice.

My own son has returned home from uni. He is lovely, grateful for access to a washing machine that he doesn't have to trek to, happy to have a dishwasher that he unpacks 3 times a week. He is polite because he is saving up for a house deposit.

outdamnedspots · 13/10/2024 17:56

You're going to have to use tough love, OP. Wait until he's at work and change the locks, put his things outside. Would/could you do that?

He sounds unbearable, and you have the right to live in peace.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 13/10/2024 19:43

You need to expect more from your son. It's the only way he's going to learn to act as an adult.
You need to start prioritising yourself

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