23 DS and rude

[Tired1556]

DS has finished his degree, returned home and understandably doesn't want to be here. I totally get it. I never wanted to return back home after completion my degree. He is days into a new job and doesn’t want to be there, hates it. Plans not to return which is unacceptable in my world. Manners count for nothing. No one just leaves a job without something to go too.

I’m a single parent paying all the bills because he is reluctant to give any house keeping despite agreeing too. I have no more money that I can give him, I don’t eat properly during the week before I get paid to ensure he has food available to eat. I’m at my wits end with him, worried sick to the point that I panic. His dad’s useless and offers no support. Other family members reckon I need to be not so harsh on him. I don’t know what to do

I think if you have cooked and cleaned, done all the washing up to this point moving back home, being asked to do all these things and contribute to household bills and starting a new job might just be a change too far. Be firm and calm - I had quite the argument with ds when he came home from Uni, he had so much change to cope with, he was stressed - I had never done his laundry and he had always been expected to cook but he expected food in the fridge, he didn't expect to have to visit the job centre, life had moved on and he wanted things to happen on his terms, he threw his weight around (verbally).

I suppose it all started to change for the better when I told him when we had a disagreement I felt abused by him - I gave him examples and I told him I was foolish to let it slip before but felt it was the way to deal with teenage angst but now he was an adult there was no excuse. He was very upset, and wondered if other people had felt the same way with his style of communication - then true to form at the time, he got angry about me not telling him about the impact of his style of arguing - I gently had to remind him that his bad behaviour was not my responsibility and he was stepping into being abusive again.

Following on from that initial conversation if he starts to get even a little angry - I state that I will not discuss anything with him whilst he is behaving that way - I will not be abused and I leave the room. I will explain why I felt abused when he calms down.

Things have improved - they are not perfect but the abusive discussions have stopped, he has become more aware of the impact he is having on others and he is more pleasant to be around. He's working now but he's still coming to terms with being an adult and paying his own way but I'm determined to stick to my guns.

You can make him by changing the locks?

OP, didn't want to read and run. This is an abusive relationship and sounds awful for you. Can you ring Women's Aid whilst he is at work? Their website suggests that they may not only deal with abuse between partners but also family members. Perhaps others can advise . . .

Sit him down and state that the primary condition for living at home us treating you with tespect and courtesy. He simply may not get angry and turn a discussion of household matters into an argument. That is the first rule. If he doesn’t like it he should move out to his fathers or a flat share right away.

2. Tell him explicitly you have been going hungry to feed him. Tell him that stops today. He can pay you to shop and cook for him or he can buy himself a small fridge and shop and cook for himself. That is the second rule of life at home.

3. He needs to pay the equivalent cost of a local flat share. Monthly. That is the third.

If he starts arguing hold up a big sign stating the first rule.

Wow, this is tough.

I'd expect it if he's never left home and was wondering why things have suddenly changed but he's been caring for himself and paying his way for a few years now.

If you threw him out does he have somewhere to go? You could tell him he can move back in if/when he agrees to your house rules.

If you think that is a step too far you can absolutely stop cooking for him and doing his laundry. No one would think this unreasonable. You'd have to make sure there was minimal food in the fridge and cupboards but it's doable. This is a position you could absolutely defend to anyone, you are not his unpaid skivvy.

I think this is good advice. You definitely need to talk to someone who has experience of abuse

Could you send him a message at work reiterating the house rules and requesting a rent transfer.

I would also tell him you consider his behaviour abusive and you will involve the police to remove him if it continues.

I'd also ring the police now to explain you feel threatened in your own home and this could escalate.

Only way, it will do him good in the long term.

You don't have to live like this op.

Bag his stuff up and leave it outside, he can go his dad's or your family, rent a room at a Premier Inn or sofa surf. The natural consequences of behaving the way he is is that you kick him out.

He is relying on you being a soft touch and doing his dinner and washing his clothes for him.

You do t even need to change the locks tonight depending on what type you have if you can just leave the key in to prevent him using his and then sort our a new cylinder tomorrow.

Oh OP, how terrible.
I've had experience with DCs assuming that they can come home after Uni and just act as if they were 18 again.
I suggest you use the terms "board", "expenses" or "financial contribution" rather than "rent" as in my experience this is perceived as you trying to make money off them rather than them reimbursing you for the added cost that comes with them being at home.
It's hard I know - and your DS doesn't sound reasonable - but you need to explain to him that things have changed. He's looked after himself for 3 yrs at Uni, No? So he can do his own washing and clean his own room. If you give in you will be back to having a teenager in the house.