Daughter's severe mental distress - she refuses contact - any advice?

[ohforgoodnessake]

Please avoid judgmental responses, things are hard enough as they are. A brief synopsis to avoid drip feeding. DD (20.5) at Uni 2.5 hours drive away from us, starting final year shortly (we think). In a house share with 4 others. She had a difficult time doing A levels with Covid, she was physically attached to her phone for 2/3 years and was quite reclusive. Possibly undiagnosed on autistic spectrum, shy. She started Uni by socially transitioning as transgender, we used just endearments in communication as we did not want to affirm this behaviour, we felt she was too immature to move to medicalization and make major physical changes to her body before she reached a better state of mental maturity. Moving to the last 6 months, she started taking testosterone in May and cut off all communication with us. She has made three (half hearted) attempts on her life now, I am falling apart myself with the stress and worry (I know it's not about me, but just as a Mum who loves her child to the moon). Is there anything I can do to help her ?

You mention testosterone. Is your child FtM?

@offyoujollywelltrot Yes.

Do you know where she lives, I would be attempting to see her in person and regularly do this even if she brushes you off

I’m sorry OP, this sounds like a really tough time for all of you

it might be worth reaching out to a trans charity and asking for advice on how you can support your DC. Do you think it was an issue that you weren’t using gender specific language?

are you able to reach out? Maybe just a message explaining “I don’t care what gender you are, you’re our child and we love you”

the fact that DC is now on testosterone speaks volumes, they’re obviously serious about it. Also the stats on trans lives are really sad, the homeless rates, the suicide rates, I struggle to see how it’s something that anyone would choose

alongside that it’s a big thing for family members, you’ll be grieving the daughter you had and what that future looked like. Take time to reflect on that and talk to your OH about it

Please do not give false information about stats on suicide. The myth that people who identify as trans are at greater risk of suicide has been debunked by many experts, including the Samaritans.

I’m so sorry, OP, it is heartbreaking when our adult children experience this level
of distress. I’d have cut my own heart out to save my DC from it if I could.

You might find the Bayswater Support Group helpful. They are parents of young people with transgender identities too, and are pretty clued up.

Wishing you and your kid a hopeful future x

Op, I would keep trying to remain in contact with your DD. Can I ask, how is she funding her studies? I would be very tempted to go to her home in person until she is wiling to communicate with you,

@Cozylozy we do know, yes. When she made her second attempt earlier this year, I got in the car (midnight, Sunday night) to start the journey. Half way there she called and begged me to turn around, she made it clear that she didn't want me there. She had a friend/neighbour with her but it was very upsetting. Last time I visited her in May, she made me wait 45 minutes outside her house, a housemate let me in eventually, she was still in bed (despite plans all made and agreed). We were so close, texting every few days and enjoying days out every three months.

You have an adult son who is making a choice to trial hormonal transition. Support him in that and both your life and his will be better. If you love him, listen to him.

@Soontobe60 Maintenance grant and generous weekly funding from us (so far). According to Student Finance England, she has not applied to funding this academic year, which is worrying as well - she's not very organized. I will reconsider going there in person, thank you. You are right re the suicide statistics, Statsforgender.org is useful on this.

You keep using she/her. If your child is transitioning to be a man, then you might find he's more open to talking to you if you start by using the right pronouns.

It makes a lot of difference.

All @Soontobe60 said was that your information on suicide was incorrect. I'm not sure why you've taken it so personally and attacked them, completely over the top and unnecessary.

OP when did you last see your DD? If it's been a good while then I think you need to go see her as soon as you can. Although I'm completely GC I think for now the best thing would be to use whatever she wants you to go by, this is obviously a huge MH issue and that might be necessary to be able to help her.

Who knows how she has been brainwashed by online communities. But one things for sure, you can't help her unpick this unless you can see and speak to her and if you have to pretend she's a he now to be able to do that then I think that's what you'll have to do. If she hasn't sorted her student finance yet then it sounds like she really needs some help and support there too.

If she has attempted then she obviously not ok.

There could be a lot of things driving this.

If your child feels that they are trans then they will have been very aware of your response. Unfortunately this is a very tricky situation to navigate as a parent and it's quite possible that she is looking for affirmation and support in the choices that have been made and she may feel that isn't on offer from you.

Turning up unexpectedly may have a positive or a negative outcome one. Personally I'd go with the sending messages along the lines of we love you no matter what. Keep
Up communication - memes, cat pictures, reels, whatever.

She has a daughter. You can’t change your sex.

I have no advice op but I am so sorry you are going through this.

So sorry OP. Sending love ❤️. Please keep trying to see your daughter in an undemanding way. If you can try to get her help and support away from trans charities. Part of the trans narrative is that everyone hates you and any disagreement means they want you dead. This is a deeply damaging thing to say to anyone and certainly to an emotionally disturbed young person. It's probable she has friends who are trying to separate her from her family, which is also deeply psychologically damaging. Children recover their mental health far better in loving families than outside them.

This.

I don’t doubt this is really difficult for you, and it is for him too. But by denying his transition and being negative about it you’re pushing him away. My dd lives in a house share at uni with 3 trans people and all of them have issues with their parents. It’s really sad. One of them is totally no contact now and the others are planning to cut contact when they leave university. In time your child may or may not make further decisions about their identity but this is the time to support them in whatever path they are choosing. By not doing so you are only adding to their distress.

I’m quite GC and this will probably sound very cynical but it’s interesting to me that two thirds of these people aren’t distressed enough by their parents to cut contact before uni ends? They will go NC when the money train stops, basically? It’s absolutely a good idea to support with mental health but many autistic young girls and women think they will make their life easier by changing gender. Enabling this won’t help, proper MH support will.

I can see what you’re saying. But I suppose these are young people who are currently reliant on their parents in terms of financial support (in many cases anyway) in order to complete their degrees. It’s a similar situation to a stay at home Mum making long term plans to leave a partner for example. Sometimes these things can’t be done overnight.

If you want to keep your child in your life you need to accept the decisions they make, whether you agree with them or not.

your child has decided that they wish to live as male. Your rejection of this is rejecting their very core. Fwiw, gender dysphoria is far more common in people wish asd.

Stop calling them “she” and use the name and pronouns they want.

@LoveSandbanks @offyoujollywelltrot @Pigeonqueen
The trouble with affirmation as I see it, is that this doesn't help improve her mental health. She's been unhappier than ever since taking testosterone - how can that be, as this is what she chose to do? She is a woman, an adult human female. She can't become a man, this is not possible. She can make irreversible changes to her body to make her look male (in her eyes) but this will not gain the mental health stability she needs (apart from in very few cases). As her parents, we know her best, no one can dispute this. There are few 20 year old's mentally mature enough to make these kind of irreversible, life changing decisions, we cannot support her decision to cut off her healthy breasts. Just read some of the detransitioner's stories, they are harrowing. See how many lawsuits are coming through in the US from young people badly let down by medical professionals. I'm here to be her Mum, her guide, her protector from things in this world that can harm her - this is my viewpoint, sorry if some of you think I should just let her go steam full ahead.
In five years time, if she is mentally stable, then we will support her wishes, but right now I'm in full protective mode, albeit unable to do much as she is legally an adult.

Thanks to those of you with helpful, supportive messages, they are appreciated.

One big issue is that they have not applied to student finance, so what are they going to live on?

The parents that seem to do the best in this scenario are those that do go along with things like name and pronoun change, whilst allowing them to remain in dialogue with their children/adults about the problems with this. I think by insisting that they won't feel better mentally if you change names/pronouns you are just reinforcing the narrative that you don't understand them and never will.

If it were a 14 year old, the advice would be different, but they are nearly 21 and I think as an adult, if you want to remain close, you have to some extent go along with their poor life choice (whether wrong man, wrong taking of hormones) so that you can be close enough to advise them. If you state that you don't like their boyfriend or don't think they can be male and won't use their chosen name and pronouns, you are probably right, but not happy as the saying goes. I'm not sure what this achieves.

You believe they can't change their biological sex, they believe they can or at least would be happier living as a man with testosterone, name change and pronoun change and I would get on board with that so that I could continue to be near them and be supportive to them. In other words, play the long game. Either they will decide that life is not for them, or they will find they do prefer that life. I don't think you can decide at age 25 or 26 it's ok for them to take testosterone but not now- ultimately they are an adult now and are doing what the law permits adults to do.

You can accept something as the current situation and because it might help without altering your core belief that this is not possible and the wrong life path for them.

@ohforgoodnessake If you haven't already, it's worth also posting this on the Feminism boards, I've seen v similar posts on there before and advice from other parents who have been through this with their adult dc. If I can find it I'll link to a thread that was also about an adult dd transitioning and v poor mental health and suicide attempts. It may be helpful xx

@Ivyy only just seen your post, thank you. Can you find that thread you spoke of, it would be very helpful ?