Daughter's severe mental distress - she refuses contact - any advice?

[ohforgoodnessake]

Please avoid judgmental responses, things are hard enough as they are. A brief synopsis to avoid drip feeding. DD (20.5) at Uni 2.5 hours drive away from us, starting final year shortly (we think). In a house share with 4 others. She had a difficult time doing A levels with Covid, she was physically attached to her phone for 2/3 years and was quite reclusive. Possibly undiagnosed on autistic spectrum, shy. She started Uni by socially transitioning as transgender, we used just endearments in communication as we did not want to affirm this behaviour, we felt she was too immature to move to medicalization and make major physical changes to her body before she reached a better state of mental maturity. Moving to the last 6 months, she started taking testosterone in May and cut off all communication with us. She has made three (half hearted) attempts on her life now, I am falling apart myself with the stress and worry (I know it's not about me, but just as a Mum who loves her child to the moon). Is there anything I can do to help her ?

Are they close to any other family members or friends-aunt, uncle, cousin, close family friend? If so, could they reach out and see whether they can visit?

The suicide attempts and not applying for student financing are very concerning. I’d want someone to see them in person to try and find out what’s going on.

Can Student Services at the university help at all? Could they do a welfare check, for example?

I am GC but in a case like this I think I'd go with the new name and new pronouns in order to stay close to my child and hopefully steer them away from surgeries. Keeping communication open must be useful even if it is on the child's terms.

Can you go visit for a weekend and stay in a hotel and try to meet up.

I think this is a time where you have to accept that as an adult, your child has a right to make decisions you feel are poor ones and do not agree with. You have already made your feelings clear; continuing to challenge their decision to transition, and refusing to acknowledge the pronouns they have chosen, is going to be catastrophic for your relationship.

There's no future scenario here where your child turns round one day and says "thanks for refusing to support me mum, you were right after all". Even if they decide transitioning was a mistake, it's the lack of support they'll remember, not that you were right all along.

🥶

Until you learn to respect HIS wishes, you'll find he won't want anything to do with you.

no advice @ohforgoodnessake but you have my total empathy what an awfully difficult situation it is. So worrying for you just desperately wanting to do the right thing and for them to be ok .

OP I strongly encourage you to understand that your child knows better than you. They know themselves better and you are not helping at all by denying their reality. Your child is 20 and you sound like you don't trust them to know who they want to be.

Leave this be.

Consider that there may be things/conditions you do not understand well enough. Your child knows you don't accept them and probably has for a long time.

Texting every few days and going out every three means isn't a sure sign of a close relationship. You give no hint that you actually have had a close emotional bond with your child. I'm sorry you do come across as a bit overbearing in your thinking and I'd advise to consider the view of your child if you want any chance of a relationship in the future.

I would advise to acknowledge your child's reality and make sure they know what resources of help they have available in case of mental distress.

You should under all circumstances respect their wish to not see you however difficult this may be for you. This isn't about you and by crossing this boundary their distress can get worse. If you feel her life is in danger I'd advise calling emergency services. Otherwise leave them alone and have contact on their terms. I believe this helps someone in this situation most.

@offyoujollywelltrot I agree that the OP needs to accept their adult child for who they are. The three suicide attempts in the last six months would be my concern, because they indicate considerable mental distress. While their friends may be trying to support them, three attempts suggest that they need more help (professional support).

@Twatalert I appreciate what you’re saying, but I personally think that the situation is too serious for the OP to leave it be. As I suggested upthread, perhaps another relative or an old friend can make contact and see them in person.

@BruFord someone who likely has issues with their mother isn't going to be helped by the mother crossing boundaries, even in this situation. It can be so aggravating. I agree it needs to be another person who the child maybe is open to having around.

Imagine your mother doesn't accept you for who you are, maybe that's contributed to the mental distress, and then she's forcing herself into your presence. I have been there. It's not good. If, as a mother, you want to care start by accepting the child for who they are. Otherwise all other 'caring' seems like a bad joke.

Even if you are suicidal you ought to have autonomy in saying who you want to have around or not.

Hey op, here's the link for one of the threads, I'll see if I can find the others but some were a while back. Might be worth reaching out to some of the posters on the thread in a similar situation x

If you are gender critical what would you do if your child said they were trans? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/5109663-if-you-are-gender-critical-what-would-you-do-if-your-child-said-they-were-trans

In other words, play the long game. Either they will decide that life is not for them, or they will find they do prefer that life. I don't think you can decide at age 25 or 26 it's ok for them to take testosterone but not now- ultimately they are an adult now and are doing what the law permits adults to do.*

There's no future scenario here where your child turns round one day and says "thanks for refusing to support me mum, you were right after all". Even if they decide transitioning was a mistake, it's the lack of support they'll remember, not that you were right all along.

These two comments really do hit hard. You know part of your DC struggles are because they know that you can't accept them as they are. For what it's worth, I agree with you but I wouldn't want to lose my DC.

@Twatalert I think you’re right, someone else close to them would be better to make contact.

I’m also thinking of this from my DD’s (19) perspective if she had a uni friend who had attempted suicide several times. She’d support them, but I know that she’d want/need more experienced adults to also be involved. I’m guessing that the supportive friends in this situation are other 20-year-olds and it’s a lot for them to deal with. They can’t be expected to provide all the support.

@BruFord whatever the situation, a person should only provide support to the degree they are able to without compromising their own wellbeing.

I dont know what you mean by 'theyd want someone more experienced there'. It suggests again that an older person knows better, which I appreciate is a way of thinking that may be difficult for a parent to drop. It's really not helpful. A peer may be much more in tune with the struggles of their generation. I don't think anyone is able to just wing giving mental health support.

@Twatalert What I mean is that a 20-year-old student may not have encountered someone with MH struggles before and be unsure how to help them. Not to mention that they’ve got their own studies and perhaps have their own anxieties/stress to deal with.

I know that at 50, I’d have more idea of how to access the right support and cope with another person’s distress than I would’ve at 20. As a parent, I wouldn’t want my DD to be left to cope with a friend in such severe distress, it wouldn’t be fair on her.

I’m so sorry. I feel bleak about what’s happening to our young people. So many of them irreversibly damaged by this insane contagion. I would get in touch with student services as the combination of multiple suicide attempts and not applying for student finance is obviously worrying.

She 's been in touch a few times since I last posted, good news. We had an hour long conversation last weekend which was lovely. Unfortunately no longer at Uni as she failed her second year module but she still has her part time retail job, so that helps. I thought she would come through in time, I know her better than anyone and we are very close. Some way to go re the hormones but it's good to get the communication reinstated. Thank you to all of you with your kind thoughts and advice, it is appreciated.

That's really good news, @ohforgoodnessake.

New to the thread and have just seen your updates OP - really pleased things are going a bit better and that the two of you are back in touch.

Reading the whole thing, I did and do feel very strongly that you need to support your child's choices in terms of what they wish you to call them, however strongly GC you are.

If my daughter's life was in danger and my relationship with her was struggling, I would pretend she was a cat if she wanted me to, if that was what was needed to build those bridges. I wouldn't ever believe she was a cat, quite obviously. But I'd be more than happy to pretend to, if that helped her feel able to talk to me. When people are delusional, it isn't always necessary or helpful to constantly challenge their delusions. It's more important to do whatever it takes to keep them feeling loved, supported and safe until they can heal.

It worries me when I see people on here advocating that expressing GC views is more important than any other consideration. I have every sympathy with your views, but is it really so important you avow them at every turn, that it's worth a young person losing their life? Or a mother losing her child?

No.

OP I think there is probably a way of loving your child without specifically referring to their gender or pronouns. Most of the conversations we have with our children don't specifically reference those things. You can be supportive of their struggles mostly without affirming anything you know to be biologically impossible. Using a preferred name is not much different to when your child acquires a nickname from friends that they like to use, and maybe it would be helpful to you as a parent to think of it that way.

I’m so pleased to read your update. Sometimes I think being steadfast can anchor a child/young person to reality.

*He.