Adult child problems - No job & expecting to stay living at home.

[Dimum76]

Now
12 months ago my 20yr old moved back home. She was living with her dad and stepmother but their marriage went through a bad patch and he moved out. My daughter didn't want to stay as she doesn't get on with step mum.
Her dad is now trying to make his marriage work. Our daughter doesn't work! She had a job but due to lack of transport she left. She has spent last Yr bumming. I said I wouldn't take any board but she gets her own food. I expected her to have a job by Xmas but nothing ever came.
I'm going to be moving in with my new partner in November. He has agreed to my daughter coming but only if she has a job and contributes. I agree. I had a conversation with her about this and she says she's trying to find a job but not getting anywhere! She then goes you can't not take me with you as I'm your daughter and I'm still young! I also said to her about gettingcs job so she can save up for her own place that she could live in with her boyfriend I suggested 6months. She goes ill be at home at least 3yrs as I'll heed to be able to save!! I worked out if both saved £200 a month that's 2k which would cover initsl costs. At the moment she claims UC.
She has a boyfriend (they got engaged but no plans) he gives her money and rather than save they go to clubs, festivals etc.
I know 100% I'm partly to blame for letting this go on for so long but she's also an adult, wants to be treated like one.
I've said to her she's to be in a job by end of October even if just part time. But she's not taking this seriously. Last night at 7.30pm she wanted me to give her a lift to train station I asked why, she said she was going clubbing in city! I refused so she walked down to station. Her priorities are wrong.
Am I doing the right thing in giving her this ultimatum. How do I get her to take this seriously. If she doesn't get a job I don't no where she will go. Her boyfriend (25yrs) still lives at home with his parents in a box room so no room for anyone else. (He was full time)
Anyone else been in a similar situation

Do you not think you're being a bit hard on her she's 20 . would you see your daughter homeless to appease your boyfriend.

I dont know why your daughter was living with her dad and not you, but is it perhaps your turn to look after her? Divorce is awful for kids whatever their age especially if both parents make it clear their partners are more important then their own child.

At 20 they do still need help getting sorted. If she lives with you and has no job surely she will run out of money and cant afford to party? I would always give my child a roof over their head but day to day cash, no, then she will have to get a job.

Jesus Christ, are you PP’s insane?? She is 20 and doesn’t have a job or any intention (it seems like) to get one.

OP, you are doing the right thing.

It sounds like she doesn't have any motivation to et a job right now. I think UC is about £300 a month for under 25s which is nothing if you have to pay bills but she only has to buy food and her bf gives her money for clubs and festivals.

I think giving her an ultimatum to get a job is a good thing

Have you thought about charging her rent? It might make her think about the cost of living.

Op I'm sorry but your daughter needs a dose of reality. She needs to start paying board and keep, helping round the house. Drifting along won't do her any good in the long term. My son is 19 and pays keep money every month. I have put it in a savings account for when he moves out 🙏🤣

I do think she should be working or studying (why isn’t she studying?) but also she should be able to go clubbing at age 20 without you refusing a lift because of it.

curious, do you have a 20 year old? because I used to think like you, and then when mine reached 20 I realised how hard it can be to launch your child!!

So she just does nothing?…no third level education, no job…nothing?! I would insist on a job or she signs up for a training course or SOMETHING!

I agree - there are plenty of jobs advertised for care homes and supermarkets - why hasn’t she applied?
What qualifications does she have?

I do have a 20 year old. Not easy I know but a job (in whatever form) is essential.

Agee with PP, in you should charge rent even if you just save it up as a buffer for when she moves out. I'd say a hefty portion of her UC so it's uncomfortable for her to have much fun on the rest. Does she have a work coach?

Agreed, but the reality is you cant throw your child out when they have nowhere to go, so its a wasted threat. Maybe demand £100 from her UC for bills, to wake her up.

No, I also agree that you can’t throw them out. But maybe the ultimatum is needed to make something happen. I don’t know. I think also having a 20 year old I do understand what they can be like. Many of them do think they can coast along and don’t understand that having a job is adult life. Maybe it hit a nerve seeing other posters say that OP was being unreasonable.

The job centre should be really on her case and expecting a good number of job applications each week. Tell her the big stores will all be recruiting for Christmas staff soon and make sure her CV and clever letters are shot hot to grab these opportunities. What is she planning job wise in the long term? I would definitely put the pressure on her as it's way too easy for young people at home to get comfortable on benefits especially if subbed by a partner.

Work coach will expect applications ,CV all to be recorded in journal and other steps you are talking to find work.

Taking not talking

This with bells on.

She's massively taking the piss and sounds like a total sponger. She's an adult and an ultimatum is what she needs.

My parents were very clear with me that I was expected to work. I remember taking a year out before uni and thinking I could maybe work a bit but maybe have a bit of a break… no chance! I got a stern talking to that I needed a job and it had to be full time 🤣

I was expected to work all through uni too.

Seriously, an unemployed 20 year old spending her UC on clubbing isn’t great. She needs to grow up now and get herself working.

What was the backstory to her living with her Dad? That’s quite unusual. What was your relationship like?

I have a dd aged 21 and she has just finished her degree and is about to do a masters. She has only now just found a job (part time) and has needed quite a bit of support and guidance- even though she’s been living in her university town. There’s no way I could give my dd an ultimatum to effectively be homeless in preference for living with my boyfriend 😳😳

I think yes she does need to get a job but I think there must be some backstory to this and sounds like she’s crying out for some parenting from you.

It sounds like you're taking good actions.

I wouldn't worry about what's happened up to now. She is still very young, and people vary at that age. But from my experience with ds (who's also 20) nothing makes someone grow up and engage with life more than going to work.

I simply don't believe that as a young physically and mentally capable person with a place to live and at least one involved parent, she can't get ANYTHING. It may take a bit of time of course. I agree about care work - there's pretty much always care work and if she finds a decent agency she could do well with it. I wonder if she might enjoy supporting young people with learning disabilities, for example. I would give her a LOT of overweening support with her applications, constantly ask her about them. I wouldn't give her extra money and I'd be on her case.

I take your 20 yo dd and raise you a 17yo pregnant one. Quit college. Quit her part time job. . Living care free between home and her 17yo bf.
As of next week I don't even get her child benefit money..
In your shoes- change the WiFi password until your dd gets a job.. Will be doing that myself tonight..

It sounds like you need to change how you perceive your daughter. 20 is still incredibly young and yes work is a great motivator and a great way to grow but it sounds like she is struggling and needs some mental and emotional support from you. She does need to strike a balance between enjoying herself and her professional and self development, but you are only 20 once and it's a shame it doesn't bring you happiness that your daughter is going out and enjoying her friendships. It would be much better for you to sit down with her and discuss her long term goals and how she can achieve them through applying for relevant jobs, rather than just wanting her to get any old job so she can effectively get out of your hair.
I do wonder sometimes why people have children when it seems quite obvious that they don't even like their children.

What jobs is she going for? Our local co-op and Tesco are both hiring for Christmas staff right now!

Surely plenty of shops/supermarkets/restaurants are hiring Xmas staff.

You’ve done the right thing. At 20 she should either be studying or working. Lounging around all day at that age is just lazy & won’t do her any favours long term. Does she not have any career ambitions? Stay strong.