Adult child problems - No job & expecting to stay living at home.

[Dimum76]

Now
12 months ago my 20yr old moved back home. She was living with her dad and stepmother but their marriage went through a bad patch and he moved out. My daughter didn't want to stay as she doesn't get on with step mum.
Her dad is now trying to make his marriage work. Our daughter doesn't work! She had a job but due to lack of transport she left. She has spent last Yr bumming. I said I wouldn't take any board but she gets her own food. I expected her to have a job by Xmas but nothing ever came.
I'm going to be moving in with my new partner in November. He has agreed to my daughter coming but only if she has a job and contributes. I agree. I had a conversation with her about this and she says she's trying to find a job but not getting anywhere! She then goes you can't not take me with you as I'm your daughter and I'm still young! I also said to her about gettingcs job so she can save up for her own place that she could live in with her boyfriend I suggested 6months. She goes ill be at home at least 3yrs as I'll heed to be able to save!! I worked out if both saved £200 a month that's 2k which would cover initsl costs. At the moment she claims UC.
She has a boyfriend (they got engaged but no plans) he gives her money and rather than save they go to clubs, festivals etc.
I know 100% I'm partly to blame for letting this go on for so long but she's also an adult, wants to be treated like one.
I've said to her she's to be in a job by end of October even if just part time. But she's not taking this seriously. Last night at 7.30pm she wanted me to give her a lift to train station I asked why, she said she was going clubbing in city! I refused so she walked down to station. Her priorities are wrong.
Am I doing the right thing in giving her this ultimatum. How do I get her to take this seriously. If she doesn't get a job I don't no where she will go. Her boyfriend (25yrs) still lives at home with his parents in a box room so no room for anyone else. (He was full time)
Anyone else been in a similar situation

There is obviously a back story to this but I think if you put little in you get little out. O worked hard to encourage all of mine to do something. Having her move in at 19 and saying occasionally that she needs to get a job seems a bit, lacking?

@Dimum76 my friend said if her DS got work or an apprenticeship she’d only take £20 a week board while he saved but if he just claimed benefits she’d take it all. He soon got a job, initially shelf stacking but subsequently has progressed into a career.

Off thread sorry but I thought you couldn't get UC if you living with parent/ relative ie supported?

At 20 the dd will be listed as someone living with op but op won’t get anything extra for her. Dd can claim in her own right.

I wouldn't tolerate this. She left her job due to 'lack of transport' but she can get the train to go clubbing?
What's the point of getting engaged? No money, no job, no drive or ambition to get her own place. Just demands to live with you for the next 3 years. NO.

Look up the spear programme as they could help her joinspear.org

Get a job or present as homeless to the council.

Plenty of 20 somethings manage to enjoy their lives and work, believe it or not.

There's no reason at all for her not to be working. Doesn't matter what she's doing. Fully grown healthy adults don't get to sit around and do nothing.

You are right to push her to find a job etc. She shoukd be either studying or working unless she has sone kind of health need or disability. However at 20 she should have a home with one of her parents.

Expecting a 20 yo to have some type of job by October is not hard? My DM softly let my Dbro and Dsis bum around and they are still unemployed in their 30's.

Err this. She’s 20. Not 15! She needs to stop being so lazy and start paying her own way. Even my 16 year old self would have said this

Can you get her on Restart through the Jobcemtre? DS girlfriend was struggling to find work at 20 and they really helped her get her CV in shape, interview technique etc. It took a while and she was really lacking in confidence (don’t forget this cohort missed a big chunk of development through Covid) but she’s just turned 21 has a job she loves.

I agree this woman needs to grow up.

either she is in full time education or she gets a job.

make sure you don’t frame it as you picking a man over her - but at 20 she needs to be doing something with her life.

does her fiancé work? Does he live at home too? She is very young to be engaged.

Your daughter needs to get a job, and also pay a contribution to the household. Christmas retail jobs will become available soon, or there’s plenty available.

Be proactive, and sit down with her to write her cv. Once done, look at Indeed.com together, and help her apply for jobs. It can be a daunting task , and is pretty thankless and tedious. Sone young adults need help, support and guidance doing this.

Also, from November, when you move, (if not before) say she has to make a contribution to household bills, at least £100 per month.

Time to stop being bank of Mum.

Why do so many on MN love to infantilise their adult children? Twenty is not incredibly young, she's an adult who should be working full time but is too lazy to do so.

I'd have a really honest conversation with her. Sit down, face to face and say:
You are twenty years old and you need to start behaving like an adult. You have to get a job. Don't tell me you have tried. Because you can walk into a job today if you have the right attitude. If you don't have a job by the end of this week , I insist that you sign up to voluntary work full time until Christmas to get experience that will enable you to get a job in the New Year.

Also, if you live with me, you need to do the following household jobs every week. Explain this is not punishment or you getting her to work for her keep or you using her. this is because all adults do huge amounts of unpaid work every week to maintain a home - cleaning, tidying, decluttering, emptying rubbish, gardening, DIY and maintenance. As one of two adults in the house. 50% of these jobs are now hers.

Ask her what she wants from life and try to get her to see how increasing her sense of her own capability, work ethic and establishing good adult routines will help her get more from life.

It's not 'disliking' your children to want them to launch effectively as adults! It's the opposite.

And the OP has every right to be concerned that a young adult claims benefits and spends them going clubbing without ever prioritising the skills she needs to acquire to thrive in life.

My own DS2 has just moved back in with us, aged 22, as his tenancy ended and the place he is moving to won't be available for two months. I plan to do everything for him - cooking, laundry etc and i won't charge him a penny. But the reason for that is, he finished a 12 hour shift at his previous job on Saturday and starts his new 9-6 hour job today with a 1.5 hour commute each way. He is very social and often out with friends. But he has a strong work ethic too and ambitions for his future. But if he was lolling around with no plans and a growing sense of infantilised entitlement at what he perceived my duty to him was, as the parent of a young adult, I would behave very differently. He'd be painting the spare bedroom during the day and cooking my tea every night when I stop work. You have to make like a bit uncomfortable for young adults who refuse to launch.

No wonder the UK is broke, why should a grown women bum around, going to festivals and claim benefit. Fucking disgrace. She is 20 not 12

And apparently a grown woman of 20 is 'incredibly young' 😄 so fine to slob around, leeching off tax payers, contributing nothing to the world. Ridiculous.

Apologies, NRFT but unless she's been assessed as having limited capability for work, then her UC work coach would be on at her to spend so many hours per week looking for work (I think it's 35?) and she'd have to prove it to them and they'd also be ensuring she takes part in work related activities, otherwise she would be sanctioned and her UC stopped. It's impossible to just sit at home doing nothing on benefits these days.

No child of mine would be allowed to be in my home if not either working or in education unless seriously ill. Certainly would not tolerate her using tax payer money to go to festivals and have fun. You can have fun on the weekends.

I wouldn’t chuck my DD out (I couldn’t do it). But I would make her life really bloody uncomfortable if she wasn’t doing anything at 20.

Thanks for replying. I divorced her dad 14yrs ago and She has always lived with me but moved away during covid with her friend. That went tits up and she asked if I'd mind if she moved in with her dad and stepmother mum as is was better suited for her job (pub work) she was with them for a while but she kept falling out with her step mum and like my original post she lost her job and came home. I said T time I wouldn't take board until she got a job thinking it wouldn't be long but here we are a Yr later. She's only been getting uc since April. Previously she got money from her dad. I've been trying to help her find work. But she wants a job that's she hrs as her boyfriend (9-5 M-F) I keep telling her that her experience is retail adult hospitality and those hrs are hard to come by. Jobs she's applying for aren't suitable as she's going for things that rely on others gocing her lifts or she tells them at interviews she can p lt work set hrs. She applied lo supermarket but again tells them she only wants day time hrs. Obviously they tell her thanks but no thanks. Her boyfriend enables her by giving her money.
I wouldn't see her on streets but she want me to treat her like an adult so she has to act like one.
She knows I won't make her homeless so she's got no urgency to get a job
She does what uc want applied for jobs k knowng full well they aren't suitable. There's pub jobs around here but she says she doesn't want to wk evenings.

She left education straight after gcses and went straight into work. This last Yr is 1st time He hasn't worked