They are at home- all the time!!

[Shouldntbutdo]

How on earth do you all cope with adult DDs living at home? I have 2 in their early 20s. My eldest has left home. I am driven demented by it. I largely work from home. Last week the 2 DC had some work so was looking forward to having the house to myself when one of my DD’s boyfriends turned up to stay and is still here!! Working on his laptop in the effing kitchen!!! My effing kitchen!!! I just want some peace. I know I am BU but Christ when will it stop? Are you all zen about it? Please tell me how you do it??

The boyfriend should pay you something for staying. Is he eating your food too? He’s a freeloader.

Can you be noisier in the kitchen? Tell him he needs to work in dd's room? I want to be welcoming to my dc and their partners so I probably would let them stay if needed and as they will be shift workers there will be times when one is working and the other is at home. I would welcome them into my home but I am not going to tiptoe around a partner working in the kitchen.

I get you op, my dd has just swapped her weekend job to working days in the week. I used to love the Saturday home alone as I work Mon -friday.
Our house is tiny - total of four rooms so I can't escape.

As my DH has worked from home for about 20 years now, I have long since given up on getting much time alone at home..... Love it though when everyone IS out.

Our two adult children still live with us but they live mainly in their own (decent sized) bedrooms, each with their own ipad/ computer and tv. I really don't mind it. One currently has a bf who stays over usually 2 nights a week. When he is here, they choose to buy and cook their own food - both work.

The other used to have a long distance boyfriend for a few years. When he stayed with us (for usually 5 to 7 days), he often stayed alone in her room if she had to go to work. Again they often sorted or cooked their own food. Neither ever hung around the kitchen (other than for meals) or the living room that much. The flip side was our dd more often went to stay at his parents' house - usually for 4 to 5 days at a time, as she does shift work.

It can be difficult since covid. My twins qualified as solicitors this year. One only has to go into the office one day a week (his day was yesterday although week before he had chosen to do 3 days in the office and will next week); the other does 2 or 3 in the office so there is just about always someone here (but working, not hanging around) and I have worked from home since 1994.
This week for 7 nights (leaving tomorrow) my son's friend has been staying and he works from his upstairs bed room here when staying. Sometimes we also have my other son's girl friend who is also in law and works from home (usually her parents' house) 2 days a week usually and sometimes from here but not that often and my son knows I was not prepared to accept that she woudl be at her parents 90 mins from London at weekends and then here in the week as that would be moving in here and is too much for me so that has never happened. It might feel mean but my view is at their age - about 25 I was living away from home and they could too.

I don't buy anyone's food other than eggs - not sure why I ended up with eggs which is a bit unfair as one twin eats eggs and other does not and eg their friend staying my son buys that boy's food other than eggs and I do provide olive oil I suppose and toilet paper and heat the house and pay the extra council tax that is due because as a single parent I choose to house adult children.

I don’t get the sort your own food out - how do you cook several different meals in one kitchen, where do you store all the veg, what size is you fridge, I cannot be doing with separate dinners - we’re a family, we don’t cook separately, we cook for everyone who’s at home, Both my dcs can cook and any friends/boyfriends who visit around dinner time learn to cook too - because everyone takes their turn to cook dinner and we all eat together.

7 I think it is because when I was married we had a daily nanny who cooked dinner for the children to eat before we were back home from work and then my older son started cooking for his younger brothers after that phase and then we were divorced after 20 years and I was just glad not to have to do family meals. Also I like to eat mostly at lunch time not evening and am single and have been for 20 years so not a "normal" family these days. We have 2 fridges - one in the utility room but mostly use the one in the kitchen . I am allowed one shelf in it and one on the door and the twins have all the other shelves in both fridges. I have nothing in the 6 freezer shelves either other than some frozen bread. My twins will fairly often cook together. I am quite happy these days not eating together but we certainly had 2 decades of marriage with by the end 5 children and more than enough family meals and all 5 children left for university so of course I was alone then anyway when they were away and just cooking for myself.

Also my sons are often out at all kinds of work drinks and then seeing friends so it is almost like a student house really these days as I am outnumbered by 20 somethings..... One will frequently wake me when cooking at 2am not from his noise but the smell wakes me! That probably happens about once a week. Also his girl friend is using here once night a week and then he cooks for her. My other son just had his friend stay 7 days and he cooked lunch and dinner for both of him and his friend for a week.

Everyone is different in what works for them. We don't even like the same foods - my twins have very complex meals often with strong garlic and spices and all kinds of foods I don't eat. It is fascinating that they like loads of foods I don't and vice versa.

Yes, I was wondering this.

Op I know it's hard to set boundaries, but it does sound like your DDs need you to? Otherwise they too will normalise being freeloaded from!

@7isthemagicnumber I am very reluctant to move away from family meals but it's really hard with dd's bf as he is such a hungry carnivore and dh and I are low carb semi - vegers. They are also happy to eat hours later than we are - so we would be starving waiting for them to cook for us. I am thinking about how to do this in future though - some compromise solution where we subsidise them to cook for all of us but expect to eat by a certain time and not steak and chips every night. I really like having evening family meals together though and really don't want to ditch that.

Given notice on his flat? Where is he going to live? You need to tell them now he does not live with you and will not be living with you

Our guests eat the way we do. We eat late - new boyfriend usually eats at 6pm but he's adjusted as a guest, just as I'd expect ds to adjust when staying at his boyfriend's house - we are slightly food obsessed - the kids don't want to miss out on what is being cooked because someone has always made an effort and it's usually very good. We had one young man who used to visit who would only eat beans chips and sausages - a year later, he would eat and really enjoy absolutely anything. The money thing is tricky to work out - I've suggested that they cook and organise a roast on Sunday - they've got quite competitive about it and it's much more effort than I'd ever go to. You get the idea if I said they used every cooking instrument in the house. Fundamentally - we always made eating at the table a bit of a thing - even when the kids were small their friends ate with us at the table, never separate meals for the kids or their friends. Some were better at it than others but eventually, they all got on board and often helped to make the food.

There isn't that much my two both like to eat anyway. If DH or I cook something we know they like, they can join us. One often works evenings so isn't around at the time anyway. The other often likes to eat later than us so will reheat it when she is ready. DH and I are sometimes out separately in the evenings too. So there isn't a regular meal time for us all. I buy all the food - well, the healthy food - and make sure there are always easy to cook things in the fridge, freezer and cupboards. If they want a takeaway or junk food, they buy it themselves. Both like fruit and salad which are always available so have some healthy stuff.

This is my idea of Hell & would have me constantly moaning that I don't operate a hotel or a doss house 😬

DD2 is still at home & she comes & goes as she pleases, but it's just me & her so not an issue & she's good at letting me know if she'll be home late but it's still my home & while it's a decent sized flat it's not huge, sound carries & we have neighbours so we still have the same rules as when they were all at home & we lived in a much bigger house - the bathroom & kitchen are closed between 10pm & 6am unless there's a good reason (when I say bathroom I mean the bath/shower they're allowed to pee during the night).

Although I have broken the rules & already been to the kitchen for coffee this morning

Your dd is taking the piss. She’s clearly invited her bf to stay without asking you. They need to move out.

Mama, I certainly loved those years when the children went to bed and then we had some time without them and then went to bed and we even set the burglar alarm downstairs (you could do a partial setting) and no one got up until morning (although we do have 3 bed rooms with en suites so I never banned use of bathroom at night). However things change. I had a son a post man at one stage so obviously he had to get up very early to do that work.

Now it is the twins and I at home it is fairly relaxed as we all work full time so it is not every night one of them is cooking in the night and they are quiet when they know I am asleep but I still would prefer not to be woken in the night.

We all cook from scratch pretty well but I just choose to eat separately from them these days which works out fine for us all however I certainly accept loads of families even when they have adult children like to eat together each night. For us it is partly unpredictability of work (we are all lawyers) so my son was on a late call to the US for work last night from here and none of us have to worry about fixing dinner around work although my twins do discuss between themselves who will be in that night and when and if they will cook together - they did last night for example at about 9pm. I had eaten long before.