They are at home- all the time!!

Shouldntbutdo · 2024-09-02T17:21:53+00:00

How on earth do you all cope with adult DDs living at home? I have 2 in their early 20s. My eldest has left home. I am driven demented by it. I largely work from home. Last week the 2 DC had some work so was looking forward to having the house to myself when one of my DD’s boyfriends turned up to stay and is still here!! Working on his laptop in the effing kitchen!!! My effing kitchen!!! I just want some peace. I know I am BU but Christ when will it stop? Are you all zen about it? Please tell me how you do it??

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 02/09/2024 18:25

Boundaries. Boyfriend doesn't stay and work in your house, he's not your child- you can kick him out guilt free.

Adult children living at home need to respect it is your house, they are now adults and they couldn't treat flatmates the same way.

Acinonyx2 · 03/09/2024 14:04

I WFH a lot and yes I find this tough - and tougher still when dd's bf is staying as well. It's made me realise I would not want them to live with us long-term like a lot of kids do. I've been joking about downsizing just to rule it out!

Original poster

Shouldntbutdo · 03/09/2024 19:20

Thanks both. I am losing the will tbh. Just want to be left alone. DD1 has gone out for the evening and left her boyfriend here🤷‍♀️. DH working away of course. Can’t kick boyfriend out as he’s from abroad and has given notice on his flat. I know, boundaries, boundaries …. Why can’t I do it??

OP posts:

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 03/09/2024 19:24

Shouldntbutdo · 03/09/2024 19:20

Thanks both. I am losing the will tbh. Just want to be left alone. DD1 has gone out for the evening and left her boyfriend here🤷‍♀️. DH working away of course. Can’t kick boyfriend out as he’s from abroad and has given notice on his flat. I know, boundaries, boundaries …. Why can’t I do it??

Then boyfriend gets a new flat or presents to the council as homeless. Until then, if daughter goes out he goes with her.

Are you scared of your children? Your home is not a doss house.

fashionqueen0123 · 03/09/2024 19:26

Shouldntbutdo · 03/09/2024 19:20

Thanks both. I am losing the will tbh. Just want to be left alone. DD1 has gone out for the evening and left her boyfriend here🤷‍♀️. DH working away of course. Can’t kick boyfriend out as he’s from abroad and has given notice on his flat. I know, boundaries, boundaries …. Why can’t I do it??

So where is he moving to?

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 03/09/2024 19:29

Don't they go to work. Mine are always out working f.

RickiRaccoon · 03/09/2024 19:32

Set boundaries (ideally from the start): kids need to be studying, looking for a job, or working full-time for a limited number of years while they save to move out. And partners don't stay except under limited circumstances (1 or 2 nights a week). My parents let 4(!) of us stay past 18 but I feel we were constantly at uni or work or out socialising.

Qatntopushkin · 03/09/2024 19:34

You are not being unreasonable. Give them notice and tell them to rent a flat together. You are not obligated to put them up, when they are adults.

Comedycook · 03/09/2024 19:36

Tell the boyfriend to get out of the kitchen at the very least...

Original poster

Shouldntbutdo · 03/09/2024 19:43

Yes, I am a pushover, I know. My DCs do work and that is the problem. The boyfriends don’t. So I am stuck with them in the house when DCs are working. One boyfriend is staying til the end of the month when he gets a new flat.
I’m not scared of my children, no. They are lovely. But possibly a bit selfish, and I have facilitated that. I was never very welcome at my own home when I was a young adult so I suppose I’m trying too hard with my own kids 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 03/09/2024 20:51

You need to be less of a pushover. You have cocklodgers in your house! Not even yours.

One is leaving at the end of the month, take that as the opportunity to tell the other he needs to be gone then too.

Making your children feel welcome is a far cry from freeloading boyfriends.

invisiblecat · 03/09/2024 21:00

Shouldntbutdo · 03/09/2024 19:20

Thanks both. I am losing the will tbh. Just want to be left alone. DD1 has gone out for the evening and left her boyfriend here🤷‍♀️. DH working away of course. Can’t kick boyfriend out as he’s from abroad and has given notice on his flat. I know, boundaries, boundaries …. Why can’t I do it??

Oh dear.

At what point were you asked whether this boyfriend could move into your home?

Bananalanacake · 03/09/2024 21:36

Did the guy from abroad actually ask if it was ok to stay at yours. Are they looking for work, they certainly need to be. I'm going to be very firm with my 2 DDS never to waste time with men who don't work as they are likely to be spongers.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/09/2024 21:38

Boyfriends are only allowed to stay when your daughters are there to entertain them I don't care if they are sitting quietly they need to leave.

This is your house op, you set the rules not them.

Arconialiving · 03/09/2024 21:41

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 03/09/2024 20:51

You need to be less of a pushover. You have cocklodgers in your house! Not even yours.

One is leaving at the end of the month, take that as the opportunity to tell the other he needs to be gone then too.

Making your children feel welcome is a far cry from freeloading boyfriends.

This!

Bloody hell Op, you need to have harsh words with your DDs and set some boundaries. This includes no boyfriends / visitors of any kind if the DD isn't there to host them.

fashionqueen0123 · 03/09/2024 22:20

Shouldntbutdo · 03/09/2024 19:43

Yes, I am a pushover, I know. My DCs do work and that is the problem. The boyfriends don’t. So I am stuck with them in the house when DCs are working. One boyfriend is staying til the end of the month when he gets a new flat.
I’m not scared of my children, no. They are lovely. But possibly a bit selfish, and I have facilitated that. I was never very welcome at my own home when I was a young adult so I suppose I’m trying too hard with my own kids 🤷‍♀️

If they don’t work what do they do? Are they students?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 03/09/2024 22:37

Set some ground rules.

days the bfs can stay
kitchen/communal area rules
x number of nights when no bf stays and you have peace
bfs can only be there when DDs are

Whatever works for you - your daughters can still be welcome at home with rules in place.

Lentilweaver · 05/09/2024 04:36

I cope by not allowing boyfriends or girlfriends to stay over, ever. People on here say I am tyrannical but I don't care. We don't have much room and all of us WFH most days.

Ragwort · 05/09/2024 05:07

I totally agree with you Lentilweaver, I am constantly amazed at how many women on here seem to drift into a situation where their DC are bringing BFs/GFs back for 'sleepovers' sex and it seems to lead to a cohabiting relationship in their family home without any discussion or agreement.
I've been on Mumsnet years - even before my DC was born he's 22 now and I always said I just wouldn't permit GFs (or BFs for that matter) to stay over ... I was always told 'you'll change your mind as your DS grows up'. I haven't changed my mind. He does have romantic relationships but it is not my role as a parent to facilitate his sex life.
Too many parents seem frightened of setting boundaries for fear of 'falling out' with their DC, if my relationship with my DS was only based on the fact that he can bring GFs home to sleep, temporarily or not, then I don't think it would be a very good relationship in the first place.
I know renting is expensive these days, but my DS is happily flat sharing and enjoying his independence... he can have GFs to stay there ... not in my home.

Set boundaries ... the earlier the better.

Lentilweaver · 05/09/2024 05:47

I don't charge rent so they can suck it up! Both are too busy studying, working and trying to find better jobs to date at the moment.

Wallywobbles · 05/09/2024 05:49

I absolutely struggle with having other adults (except DH) in my home even though they are our DC. Eldest has been home for 3 months. Thank god she's off on Friday. Next 2 are now living elsewhere for at least 2 years each. Last is 15 and I can cope with him.

HelenWheels · 05/09/2024 05:50

just speak to the boyfriend,
you are trying to work in the kitchen, you would prefer to be alone

Lentilweaver · 05/09/2024 05:56

I struggle too with adults at home, but elsewhere on MN most posters say they want their adult kids to live with them forever. if I had a big house or if no WFH, it might be different.

MamaDollyorJesus · 05/09/2024 05:59

DD is very welcome here - it's her home but it's my house & there is one rule that is non-negotiable & that's boyfriends.

I've never allowed a boyfriend to stay overnight & I certainly wouldn't be putting a boyfriend up for a month due to his own crap planning!

The no sleepover rule does mean that DD often stays at his so I get the peace I want without having to have the conversation about it.

7isthemagicnumber · 11/09/2024 10:06

Shouldntbutdo · 03/09/2024 19:43

Yes, I am a pushover, I know. My DCs do work and that is the problem. The boyfriends don’t. So I am stuck with them in the house when DCs are working. One boyfriend is staying til the end of the month when he gets a new flat.
I’m not scared of my children, no. They are lovely. But possibly a bit selfish, and I have facilitated that. I was never very welcome at my own home when I was a young adult so I suppose I’m trying too hard with my own kids 🤷‍♀️

I struggle with adult kids being at home and I have a big house - but it's the extra mess, disagreements that need to be resolved - minor irritations, extra people that can feel draining.
Ds has a boyfriend - he stays at the weekend only and ds has to clean the house before he comes and arrange activities so they aren't in the house all day. His boyfriend is lovely and sensitive to my need for headspace but no way would I be encouraging him to be there without ds. Ever!