22 years and never worked / how to motivate?

[halfthesun]

Hello, step son has graduated and moved back home which is wonderful. However he isn't motivated to complete CV and apply for jobs. He hasn't worked one day in his life and his dad gives him an allowance. He wants to upgrade his car. He had no money so expects dad to pay. I think he needs to get a job and be self sufficient. I have just had this conversation with my DH and I feel that I have interfered. Really unsure if I have been unreasonable. Please let me know your thoughts. TIA

I wouldn't have anyone in my house who wasn't working or in education, unless ill.

Oh, another cocklodger in the making who expects to live for nothing, does he have no shame. I wouldn't stand for a healthy adult refusing to work in my home.

I wouldn't give him money. Thar should be enough motivation.

Is your DH intending to fund him forever? That would not be acceptable to me at all.

If he's 22 and has never worked he's going to struggle to get anything much (unless of course Daddy has a word with a friend).

Universal Credit claim should be lodged asap as he's obviously completely incapable and needs support.
Then he can be busy filling out his job applications and attending his appointments.
No money at all from enabling parents of economically inactive NEETS

Thank you for responses! The allowance is remaining ... but DH is not buying him another car. I just can't get over the entitlement. I recall getting my first job at 13, washing dishes in a pub. Will ask DH to suggest Universal Credit ... will they make him look for a job to allow him to claim benefits? Off to google

Wow! I have four kids all been through uni all worked as well as studying all got jobs straight away. I have just posted what I should charge them board! I did treat them on occasion when they were in uni but they had to manage everything else. My DD2 was paying £750 a month in York for a room in a shared house bills included. So had no choice.
Maybe if you helped with CV that would be a great first step.

“No” to car.
Personally I think over 21 and not in full time education or apprenticeship should be paying token rent (you can save it up and give back to them towards deposit) helps them learn a bit of responsibility & getting a bit of work

Yes UC would make a young healthy adult apply for jobs, I think the allowance is about £70 a week. Might be worth doing it for the support as they might help with things like CVs and job hunting.

What did he do in his degree?

Why on earth is he getting an allowance? He’s not a child.

If stepson wants his car upgraded while refusing to look for work, receiving an allowance from his dad and living rent free in the family home, he needs to grow up.
Fast.
And tbh, your husband is enabling this behaviour by still giving him an allowance.

He studied engineering - wants to work in renewables. We have talked lots about jobs, he is on linked in and sees jobs that he is interested in but has yet to apply for any. His dad and his sister who is an editor have helped him lwith his CV but he isn't happy with it and isn't motivated to complete it. He spends a lot of time gaming and relaxing. DH thinks this is still summer holidays so there isn't much urgency but has agreed to have a strong word.

Surely he should have been applying for jobs/making connections during his last year of uni?

Stop giving him money. My friend did this and her son still doesn’t work at 34. Claims poor mental health but goes on holiday and enjoys his hobbies just fine. I also think a job can help people with poor mental health (in some circumstances). If that’s the issue here.

Completely agree that he should have been applying for jobs but said he wanted to focus on studying. I used to work in recruitment and I know how it will be viewed that he has never worked.

He could at least apply for work experience in the area.

You not think that's a weirdly aggressive thing to say about the OP's son-in-law? Lots of young adults are slow to get started, most eventually do.

He likes to be gaming and relaxing? I would put a stop to that. When he’s “relaxing” ask him to mow the lawn/clean the bathroom/go to supermarket and buy something for dinner for the family

Mossylog, yes, you're right it was, the fact he's done a degree means he must want a career, I'd have thought working in a shop or pub would earn money while he was looking for a job related to his degree.

Did he not do an industrial year as part of his engineering degree? Engineers usually have more options for placements in Summer hols as well and employers know this - you are right to worry about his work record and also his lack of any work ethic.

Why on earth is a workshy 22 yr old getting an allowance? He will still be gaming and "relaxing" at Christmas if he doesn't pull his finger out.

Does he pull his weight as non working adult around the house? If you are both working and he is being housed and fed I'd expect him to be picking up a sizeable amount of the housework.

This. I was expecting my first child and four years into living completely independently at 22. Wtaf

I would suggest trying to find a job locally in retail or hospitality to tide him over until the right proper job comes along. It can take a while. He should be encouraged to apply for lots of jobs because the practice is useful, lots of online assessments and virtual interviews hone the technique for when the dream job comes along.
When my DC graduated they both came home, had the summer holidays off and then got fixed up at Tescos while applying for grad roles. It took 9 months for DS2 but he got a great grad scheme eventually.

He was meant to have an industrial placement but didn't get round to applying so went straight into his final year. Both my sons have worked since 16 years old - supermarkets, pizza delivery, waiters ... I don't want to make comparisons as I do not want to fall out with DH. I agree that the allowance should stop - but not my call. DH has a job with long hours and I'm a teacher so he is in a working household. My older son lives here, 22 years, no degree, works in finance and pays rent.

Is the allowance what dad was paying when he was in full time education to provide his living expenses? If so presumably it will stop soon? Has that conversation been had?

If he is into gaming and relaxing did he study hard? What class degree does he have? And what are his uni friends now doing - have they secured jobs?

Dad needs to ask him what his plan is, tell him the allowance stops in September and he can only stay there for food and a roof in exchange for helping out around the house. If he wants cash to spend he needs to get a job - ideally a pub job for now while he looks for a career job.

Is his mother not in the picture? Or does he prefer to live with you as dad is a soft touch?