22 years and never worked / how to motivate?

[halfthesun]

Hello, step son has graduated and moved back home which is wonderful. However he isn't motivated to complete CV and apply for jobs. He hasn't worked one day in his life and his dad gives him an allowance. He wants to upgrade his car. He had no money so expects dad to pay. I think he needs to get a job and be self sufficient. I have just had this conversation with my DH and I feel that I have interfered. Really unsure if I have been unreasonable. Please let me know your thoughts. TIA

So he has previous form for not applying for employment. Dad needs to let him know this will NOT be happening again.

Yeah.

Unplug the wifi.

"Ss, everyone who lives here must contribute. Effective immediately. Here's today's chore list."

I’d tell your DH there is a real danger he’ll fail to launch, and be with you at 30.

He needs a deadline and some ultimatums

He "didn't get round " to applying for an industrial year so he missed it completely? Honestly that is shocking - its a key part of engineering degrees offering the opportunity.

You have a problem on your hands but I'll bet he knows you don't want an argument with DH over this and will exploit that.

DH is not doing him any favours here, at the very least the layabout should be doing the housework/cooking etc. What does he do all day?

He didn't do his industrial placement?? Wtf! So I'm afraid that's going to go against him when he does finally get off his arse and apply for jobs. He sounds very lazy and entitled. Your dh needs to wake up to what's going on.

Why is your DH still giving him an allowance? Have you had a quiet, diplomatic word with him about this seriously disabling his ability to launch as an adult.

He needs to stop the allowance and simultaneously treat the resistance to applying for work as a serious problem that needs addressing.

Help him set realistic goals. First, he needs work experience urgently. Any 22yr old with none will set alarm bells ringing for employers. Get him to analyse his skills and work out which jobs might fit them, then use any connections you have to ask if he can shadow someone for a few days or do free work experience for a couple of weeks. He could also volunteer at a charity using transferable skills. Explain to him these are temporary strategies to fill his CV with relevant experience.

To earn money immediately he needs to be open to a wide variety of work, e.g walking dogs, casual labour doing a neighbour's garden (he should do yours for free every week in exchange for board and lodging, so he gets to understand how to mow, strim, prune, rake and burn leaves etc.) Get him to open wine and mix drinks if you have friends over and then he has the very basic skills to work as a waiter for catering companies that work in private homes. These are things he should have been doing in his teens. Explain that the purpose of holding down these menial jobs for a few months is to prove that he has a work ethic and is reliable and mature.

Or he might find that he is not naturally inclined to work for other people 9-5 and has more entrepreneurial aptitude. That's fine, so long as he sets something up and keeps it ticking over. DS started out buying and selling collectable items. He still has a small business doing this and it earned him as much money right through uni as having a PT job would have done. he never worked 9-5 but he did work hard - getting up early and travelling all over to sales where he knew he could find items to sell on at a good profit.

Start treating him like an adult. Expect him to clean, cook, do basic DIY at home. Expect him to do things like washing the car or helping you with tech issues as a way of contributing while he has no income. Not as punishment, but to show him you believe him capable of becoming a responsible adult who doesn't leech and cadge his way through life.

his dad gives him an allowance

And this is why all the goodwill in the world won't work. Can you at least get DH to set a deadline for the allowance to end?

Thank you for all the advice. He did really well at Uni - first class degree. His mum is a primary school teacher - he does stay there a couple of nights a week. His step dad is a doctor - so he has lots of positive role models. Will have another chat with DH - positive that he understands my concerns.

Minus the child, this with knobs.

He’s missed the current round of graduate intakes - our grads are starting in a week. Other companies may have slightly different timetables - I work in consultancy style engineering.
Not having done his placement isn’t great, I did my placement through uni and also summer placements which help you have that ‘real world’ experience before heading out into the working world. But he needs to look at how the grad applications work and when they open. It’s a competitive market and it’s not a case of just having jobs to fill. We look for a graduate to join the team every 6 months, but sometimes we don’t fill the opening cause none of the applicants meet the criteria.
Does he have graduate membership to his applicable professional institution- ICE for civil engineers, for example. Does he attend events, webinars, lectures - he should be looking to clock up CPD hours to show continual learning and it’s also a good way to get to know more people, companies, etc. These are the types of thing that’ll show professional commitment.

This. My rule would be you're either working or studying at that age. Also make sure he's doing his fair share of housework as well

Ds is at the same stage - was a bit shocked when I suggested UC - but where was he going to get his cash from? He hadn’t thought about that or maybe he thought I’d give him an allowance? Anyway - he has a work coach and he has to answer to them and that has helped - it’s starting to look promising. I hope he catches himself on soon.

How is he generally? The responses are all so outraged. I'm sure he's not the only 22 year old who graduated this year whose still not working and taking their time to get to grips with adult life. Yes he should be looking and applying , hopefully his dad will give him a dead line for his allowance ending and he'll find the motivation. Is there more to the situation?

Why has he finished uni without trying to get on a graduate scheme? He should have been planning this for over a year. Regardless, I wouldn't personally put up with him not doing anything in my house. I would pay for all his food etc but not give him an allowance, he'd need to find a job pretty quickly or sign up for UC.

So what about those graduates who are doing all the right things and still getting nowhere.

https://www.theguardian.com/money/article/2024/aug/29/uk-graduates-struggle-job-market

I think people do not understand the graduate climate out there.

There is a glut of excellent graduates out there - with 1st class degrees from top universities with relevant experience and applying to huge numbers of jobs and graduate schemes.

They are not getting jobs .... because there simply are not enough graduate jobs to go round, and those that are getting them is mostly because of living in London and nepotism/knowing the right sort of people.

So what are they all meant to do.

Are we meant to tell our graduate children who have worked incredibly hard since they were small, struggling through school and university that 'sorry, you'll just have to take a job at Amazon warehouse/care work'

I know lots of people here say 'yes of course, any job is work' - but this is dead end work and graduate employers are looking for candidates with absolutely everything right - right internships, right grades, right people, right location.

So for many young people there is genuinely very little out there other than minimum wage dead end work.

Please don't suggest voluntary work - it is not respected in the way that some people here seem to think it is, unless it is in a related field (and then it's hard to get)

Are we meant to tell our graduate children who have worked incredibly hard since they were small, struggling through school and university that 'sorry, you'll just have to take a job at Amazon warehouse/care work'

Yes. Yes you are. You'd be amazed how many grads/postgrads/mid-career professionals work in the Amazon warehouse near me, just to keep the pot boiling while they job hunt.

I used to do grad scheme hiring. Lots of graduates are getting good graduate jobs. But mostly not the ones who graduate without any work experience and then refuse to apply for anything. “Dead end jobs” look a lot better on a CV than nothing at all. At least they suggest the candidate knows how to turn up on time, be polite and do what they’re asked to do.

I’m sure it is tough these days. But it’s pretty clear that we have too many graduates relative to the entry-level professional roles on offer. Lots of people will go into jobs traditionally considered non-graduate roles. That’s ok. Lots of my friends did that. They mostly found something more interesting within a few years. And in the meantime, always better to work than not work.

If he doesn't get some work experience soon, the rot will set in and no one will employ someone in their mid twenties with no work experience. Some experience, any experience will look on his CV. I can't imagine there's much on there to entice future employers into offering him a job currently.

Engineering is still an area where it’s not so bad as others withtrying to get a job. I know loads of engineers, I worked in an engineering environment for quite a few years though I am not an engineer. The fact he didn’t do an industrial placement he has really messed it up for himself there. One of our mates is involved with recruiting engineers for a global firm and I know he would just not invite to interview even though he has a first. He needs to get any job at all.

There are not enough graduate level jobs for graduates and never will be because the amount of graduates has tripled in one generation. He however had and possibly still has a chance as has a vocational degree but that missing year has made him really undesirable.

He's got a degree in engineering. I thought that was a really good way of getting into a career?
Is there something else going on? Other than the fact he's being spoiled by his dad?
I've a cousin like this. Except he didn't even manage to finish his degree. I feel he's depressed but his family just fund his life so he never has to do anything about it.
I asked his mum if he was claiming benefits while looking for work. She said no 'because it's illegal for people under 25 to claim benefits if they live with their parents'. I begged her to educate herself. She did but he's still sitting there, doing nothing. It's really difficult. He's a smart kid but the longer it goes on for the less likely he'll be to get into a decent situation.

Just to echo the last few posters wrt jobs in engineering.

My engineering energy company (where I work, not my company) has hundreds of grad scheme applications each year. This year, we hired less than 10% of those we invited to interview. The vast majority didn't get an interview. Experience is what makes you stand out, there's no shortage of people getting first class degrees anymore. And for many grad schemes you are not just competing with those straight from uni, but also people who have worked for a few years.

If he is interested in grad schemes, he needs to get a job this year, ideally in an office or corporate environment. That way he can build commercial and business accumen whilst then applying for next year's graduate intake. I find that it's the business side that lets most graduates down in interviews, so if he can capitalise on that, it will help with his lack of previous work.

Alternatively, he can look at direct entry roles, but he will need to be realistic. Renewables is a competitive area, with not a lot of money sloshing around. And as a graduate, you aren't that useful to a company, so he'll need to sell himself very well. I think every grad interview I did this year, the candidate talked about being interested in NetZero and wanting to be a part of the energy transition solution.

You're doing him a favour

Time to be harsh. No cooking his meals, doing his laundry etc. Take away his Playstation until he gets a job.

I am another who would stop any allowance, and also ask for rent if they are staying.

Unemployment and sorting benefits teaches you the value of money.

Long term it is the only positive move to make.

This could possibly have been my youngest ( now mid 30’s) Like his elder siblings got a reasonable degree but unlike the others, who had a good job lined up as soon as they left and are very high earners, thought he might “ decide what to do after the summer”
He was told very firmly he had to get a job, any job and contribute at least something whilst living at home. I accept they are all different, he’s not career ambitious like the older ones, but he got a job in a pub chain, liked it and worked his way up their management chain slowly. He will never be a high earner but has always paid his way and runs his own rented flat.
Dies them no favours at all long term if they don’t learn about contributing to the living costs