Apologies that this may be very long, but I don’t want to drip feed.
My DD23 graduated from a Russell Group university last summer with a 1st in History and German. She’s always had great grades throughout school and university; she worked hard in academics and we’re very proud of her achievements. She lived independently at university and even studied abroad in a major German city for a year. She’s also travelled solo in Europe too. I’ve never been particularly worried about her before save for some issues with anxiety which I’ve always done my best to help with.
Dd has always had a very independent personality, and is also shy and reserved. That’s fine, but what’s worrying me now is that it’s tipping over into her being withdrawn and a loner. Since graduating she just seems to be drifting in life and not participating. She’s moved back home with us in a commuter northern town and is still here a year later. She’s considerate in that she cooks and cleans, but I don’t make her pay any rent as I want her to be able to save, and she does do shopping for us. She doesn’t take the piss in any way, in fact she’s very peaceful to live with as she never has anybody round!
She has a 9-5 job in customer services and takes the bus there as she doesn’t drive. She’s never wanted to learn to drive and is in fact quite fearful around cars; she doesn’t like to be on the motorway etc. Her siblings drive but she is content not to drive, and I suppose this isn’t really a problem as she is always punctual to work.
However, her job is low paying and irrelevant to her degree; she’s just advising people on the phone all day. After work she comes home and stays in her room all night. On the weekends she’s in pyjamas all day watching Netflix. All of her childhood friends have moved away bar one, and her university friends live in different cities across the country. She does occasionally meet up with the one friend, but the friend is in a relationship and DD says she will soon be moving away with her boyfriend. It upsets me to think DD doesn’t really have any friends to hang out with. I suppose I don’t know if she FaceTimes or texts friends much, but she doesn’t have many updates on friends when I enquire about what her friends are up to. If DH and I have people round she just stays upstairs in her room.
Her isolation has been especially noticeable lately because her siblings DD19 and DS20 are home from university and are always hanging out with friends, making plans. They do all get on as siblings which I suppose is a plus. And it’s okay if she’s not like her siblings; they are all different people with good qualities and DH and I have always tried our best to treat them equally.
DD has always been quite closed off and reserved; she was a shy child and never had an interest in extra curricular activities or a hobby except a German club in high school. She hated things like drama and sport and teachers would comment that she was a clever girl but very anxious about her grades, behaving well, and mostly keeping herself to herself. Despite being academic she never had any leadership positions at school and wouldn’t apply to be a library prefect in Year 11 even though she was heavily encouraged by us and by many teachers. At university she did blossom a little but has always been reserved and academic, not doing much else except study. That’s fine, I accept her personality as it is, but I can’t help but feel that she is lonely. To my knowledge she has never been in a relationship and I can honestly say I’m not even sure of her sexuality! I’d be fine if she was gay or straight or anything else, but she’s just never opened up about her feelings or preferences. I do wonder if she’d like a partner as most of her friends are in relationships, but she shuts any attempt at discussion about her personal life down very quickly and I don’t want to upset her. I’ve asked her if she’s feeling okay and she always says ‘I’m fine’; she’s never been particularly emotive or demonstrative.
After a lot of persuasion she had bloods done at the GP but they came back normal except for a slight iron deficiency which she now takes tablets for. She’s not under or over weight, but she doesn’t exercise except for sometimes going for a walk. I’m sure she’s not drinking or taking drugs, she hates the smell of weed or cigarettes and honestly all strong smells in general; the only thing we ever seem to argue about is cooking smells because she can’t stand strong smelling food! She’s never been into partying anyway although she did go to some parties in college and at university. It’s all just such a contrast to her siblings’ lives and my life at her age. I don’t want to compare her to others as she is her own person, but her life now seems so limited and sad.
I think what would ultimately make her happy and help her flourish is moving out into her own space either in the city nearby or another large city. She likes parks, museums etc. And there isn’t anything like that near us. It would be fine for her to spend most of her time alone and probably suit her a lot, but at least she’d be getting out of the house if she lived somewhere with more to do. However, there’s no way she’d be able to live independently on her current salary, and honestly I want her to get a better job. I do think she must have decent savings despite the poor pay at her current job, but that’s only because she doesn’t have any apparent expenses. I haven’t verbalised this to her, but her job at the moment is dead end and she‘s an intelligent girl with lots of skills. She deserves to build a career but I think she lacks the motivation, direction and confidence. She doesn’t know what she wants to do and always says non-committal things like ‘I’ll figure it out’, or ‘my job is okay for now’ if I ever ask her if she’d like help with her CV, exploring different job options etc. I don’t want to labour the point too much because I suppose at least she is working full time and saving money; she never goes out!
I don’t want her to feel that she’s being forced out as we’re the people that she spends the most time around and I wouldn’t want her to feel rejected by us when she doesn’t have a large circle around her anyway. I want to show interest in her life and help her without being pushy!
So, any help and advice on how to help my DD would be very much appreciated. I’m beginning to fear she could be getting depressed. She’s a sweet, kind, pretty girl and I love her, and I want her to flourish!