Failure to launch ...no jobsnoo

[Katej82]

Hi id appreciate any advise please. Sorry it's long.
My ex husband and I have have 3 children together one is 21 one is 19 one 17. We co parent the best we can get along well always have. But the issue is with lack of motivation in the children. Despite me taking them to classes when little and them having friends in school bar the eldest which I'll explain none of them are motivated to do anything in life.
The difficulty is the eldest was badly bullied at school so I removed her from school and she attended a very small college from age 14-18 then became stuck she's very artistic and has secured a place on another course but over the last 3 years she or worked. Now the issue is she doesn't work or even apply for work she's on benefits but minimal and with the course she won't get this. She starts things and never completes them such as driving lessons. I'm really happy for her but I'm so concerned I could have to financially support her for another 5 years. She is very introvert and I totally understand but at the same time what would happen if anything happens to m I d said the same thing to them.
The 19 year old he's doing good snd is very laid back but doing well with he has had part time jobs but is very socially awkward and his memory is poor we tried to have him assessed years ago on for autism more than one occasion and we're fobbed off but you can tell him something generally if I ask over repeat 2-3 times row and he will forget. It's so tough on him and frustrating for me too.
The youngest is exceptionally musically talented he got a scholarship but ever since year 11 he's got into terrible habits up all night in bed all day not attending I've removed all devices and I take phone at night. I'm working really hard and also have a toddler my now husband is working yet we come home and there's pots rubbish washing messy bedrooms well filthy in my opinion dog not walked. It's really hard not to be angry. The youngest tells me he's been looked for jobs yet he's applied for 2 in 5 months.

They all have a very good relationship with my now husband too. I dog walk with the older 3 every night unless they are doing something try to spend time with just them
I'm really struggling with this situation I have a very demanding job too and having 3 adult or almost adult the 17 year old eating everything in sight and the cost of living is crippling. I can't kick them out people have said this but they've nowhere. Any motivation ideas I offered skiing lesson as we live near a slope My eldest and youngest have seen GP. I wonder if I've been too protective when they were little. I just don't know what to do I've removed phone computer leads etc.

It’s not very inspirational but my parents basically found me a job in the paper and said apply for this, and I did, and off I went ..! I had zero motivation. It worked out well. No idea what I would’ve ended up doing otherwise.

Sometimes our children need to be motivated to find their own motivation ......... if they're still living at home, then stop totally funding the comfortable lifestyle which they're doing little to contribute towards ??

If they don't have paid employment yet , then they can pull their weight doing domestic chores.

You should also sit down with them and show them exactly how much household bills are - water, gas, electricity, council tax, insurance etc. Discuss that you need a contribution towards these bills - they're adults now and should be thinking about how to start supporting themselves.

If they don't pull their weight, then ask them how they plan to eat because you can't afford to pay for all their food.
Ask them how they're going to wear clean clothes because you're not going to do their laundry any more and you can't afford to let them use the washing machine when it suits them.
Tell them you can't afford to buy them new clothes or give them money for their social life ( not that you've actually said that's what you do - I may be assuming here!)

And mean what you say!

Put the ball in their court and see what happens ............... wishing you luck!

Young ones and teenagers are tricky!

Could your eldest have undiagnosed ADHD?

Make sure that, if they claim benefits, you extract housekeeping money. Benefits for young people are actually quite high if they’re not paying bills. A few hundred as ‘pocket money’ from the government is a big disincentive to work.

They need to fake it until they make it - if they have some free time could you encourage them to do a few hours voluntary work. Helping out at a food bank or doing some thing else practical for others might help with confidence and give them an appreciation of what you are providing for them at home. They sound lovely by the way and with a bit of a steer will come good.

You could sit next to them while they apply for jobs or controversially get thier CV on your phone/computer and go on indeed and apply using the cv upload to every possible job they could do and tell them ' tough cookies'

Tell them they will each cook one meal a week for the family

As PP has said any benifits money a percentage will be given to you for bills and a percentage towards food

If the chores are not done or rooms not tidied you and your DH will only be cooking for eachother or the children that have contributed

Get your ex on board he can do the cv and chores things too

You can do this OP time to lay down the law. Tell them the bills are crippling, you are shattered and you are worried what would happen to them if something happened to you. They are old enough to understand this

I have wondered this re ADHD or autism

Downsize - they'll get the gist

I'd start by taking money for rent from their benefits, stop paying anything like phone bills or subscriptions.
Supporting them is also about getting them independent. Good luck it's a minefield

Sitting with them going through job adverts, helping them apply and working on interview skills is the only thing that worked with mine. It is a big leap in the dark.
Lots of voluntary work.
Once they have done a job for a while, they understand what they are looking for.

It’s a job or education to live at home, but you have to be willing to actually kick them out.

If you won’t go the tough love approach, then sit down with them at the computer and start applying for jobs with them. Start with your local large chain stores and fast food places. They always seem to be desperate for workers near me.

you also have to charge them rent. It doesn’t matter if you need the money. This is about teaching them to be adults.

Only buy food for yourself so there is less in the house, when they ask where's the food tell them there's a supermarket down the road.

They all sound neuro diverse. ASD? ADHD?
The problem can be that they become sort of paralysed with indecision. Task paralysis and failure to complete anything. Poor time management and difficulty with feeling overwhelmed.

Can you seek assessments and possibly therapy with a therapist who works with ND. And possibly medication

Already had therapy 😭 paid 100s. I honestly doubt they are my eldest is an introvert and already has medicine for depression middle one has some memory trouble but has improved massively youngest is a lazy little s**t. I think everyone has something that could be labelled and unfortunately this generation have been completely pampered to. They are different than our generation when I was that age I wanted money to go out and buy clothes these days they seem to socialise online. They just think they can stay living with the bank of mum forever imo and make no effort in the home or anything. I just can't seem to find anything they love enough to motivate. Ultimately if anything happens to me they will be completely stuck I'm scared about their future I really am. I mean if they didn't have me what would they do they'd have to get on with it I'm not a big believer in all the labels I'm just not no offence. Some are genuine of course but know that on the whole my lot are taking the pee and I think there are a lot of people who use it as a way to claim etc again no offence but I know a few! My middle son is I think mildly autistic yet he's more go than the others and has got better with support and age.

We have considered this :)

I wish I could but I really just know they would be landed on my mum or their dad or nowhere..

I mean I have pondered ADHD or autism but there's just not enough if they do it's mild they can function if they want to if that makes sense. Like in the past they were happy enough to do things with friends etc I really don't think the COVID lockdown helped at all for my 3 I hear this from others it was hard for kids no routine etc

I don't know I mean she's an introvert like really struggled during childhood with people groups she didn't know had only a few close friends. She has improved in her confidence massively. I just don't think she fits the criteria there were no behaviour issues at all growing up.

Thank you all for your advice I really appreciate it. My eldest daughter really does not fit the symptoms of ADHD or add for women I've just been reading. She has gone through some depression but she's no go. No behaviour issues just extremely laid back too much . She's a beautiful artist writer mathematical they all exceeded with GCSEs despite COVID and time off eldest took hers at college I know the bullies impacted her which is why I got her in with a therapist which seemed to help a bit. It's a bit like they don't know where to go from here. Middle son is doing well with joinery course though but lazy at home they are all gamers I don't get that I hate computer games..Eldest daughter is starting college again doing art but it's the funding. And will she see it through and have an end game. youngest well he's just no idea what he wants that saddens me he's exceptional with music he loves it too. I even asked if he needed new clothes or shoes anything that was worrying him about not wanting to go but he's literally thrown his scholarship down the toilet. :(

Quite simply they need to go out and get a job - anything. They aren't going to be doing something they are passionate about but unfortunately, they need to do SOMETHING. Even for their mental health, working will provide them with a purpose as well as learning what being an adult is.
The only people I know like this are the ones who have grown up with non working parents and families. But it doesn't sound like you have been like this 🤔
Once they get into work they might enjoy the social aspects and having something to get up for. Gosh, I can't imagine having 3 young adults to feed / provide for - it's just not possible!

Thank you. Yes it's crazy both me and their dad have always worked. I worked part time when they were little alongside doing my degree their dad works all hours. Their step dad is a very hard worker working all hours. We're all in professional jobs. There's a job working as a junior assistant at my place I could get the youngest in but if he lets me down it reflects on me but maybe I explain to the boss that I'm struggling to get him into anything/ interest and he's not sure what he wants. I work in fraud so it's really interesting and challenging I would hope he may really enjoy it. I suggested to the youngest to get himself working in a cruise he's a great musician he could work and travel but 0 interest. We have also travelled a lot with them which they love so I just don't get it. In my opinion they had a fun loving childhood it's almost like they never wanted it to end but that's life isn't it x

I was thinking it sounds like they could have inattentive ADHD?

Working on a cruise ship is a good medium term plan - short term he needs a job (any job). Help them to apply - my Mum used to find me jobs. I wasn't keen but I would apply and initially my Dad would help with the application. It was just expected that I would study and work part-time and then work full time. I must have been thirty before I stopped receiving 'interesting jobs in the paper' from my Mum. So, to work was expected (from 16) but I got the help and support to apply.

How is he now @Katej82?

Hi thank you very much for asking. I'm pretty worried about him to be honest. I've been thinking about just booking a counsellor and drop him off not telling him just get there and say please try and talk to someone outside it may help you, because he won't call minds matter. I've been reading about this and from one author she says it can be due to them not being independent as kids is not allowing them to go play alone etc but I doubt it. We had a big garden they played out in without me on their back as they got older they could go to park which was 4 houses up but a big park at about age 10 together with neighbours kids. But she says leave them be, the more bothered they know you are the more they get their back up I think possibly this is correct. Maybe I'll try again with the hobbies etc and keep reminding him I love him. He has been doing better with the sleep situation 👍