I’m done

[Dawnheartagram]

I have a 20 year old son. Since 14 he’s deteriorated with his attitude. He won’t get a job, smokes weed all night long, his room is disgusting, uses his benefits but won’t give keep, eats all the food in the house, said to me the other day I belong in a coffin then couple days later said his dad and I where toxic. He constantly lies and is playing on mental health to get attention. I’ve put up with it for years and now I’m done. I have no one to ask for help. I’ve told him where the door is and he won’t go. I can’t handle him any where near me and my house is stinking because of his rotting food in his room and smoking. What do I do. I’ve tried being nice, tried being horrid. I can’t take any more. I haven’t spoken to him in 4 weeks now. Any advice or where I can go from here would be much appreciated.

said to me the other day I belong in a coffin then couple days later said his dad and I where toxic

Throw him out. Pack his stuff up and put it on the street.

What does his dad say?

Kick him out

Get the locks changed and don't let him have a key.

His dad moans about it and tells him I’m done and to stop what he’s doing but doesn’t go any further with it. Sometimes takes his side which I’ve had a go at him about it

easier said than done by kicking him out. He will just try and top himself and either the hospital or police will come knocking and he has to come back. I can’t do it any more

where did things go wrong at 14?

He’s an adult. You do not have to have him back. Time for tough love - you are enabling him at the moment. When he goes out, pack his stuff, change the locks and refuse to have him back. Support from a distance to protect your own health op.

Internet people he speaks with from god knows where. Blocked him from using WiFi. He got it else where. He was such a good kid. Now he’s a horrible person.

You need to change the locks and ignore any threats he makes

Or accept a ruined life for yourself

And he absolutely doesn't have to come back for any reason

If you genuinely think this would happen, you need to get him seen medically.

You say he plays on mental health for attention though, which makes me think he wouldn't "top himself", he just likes you to believe he would so you won't throw him out.

He's an adult now, you aren't responsible for him and frankly if my son said I belong in a coffin I would consider that a threat to my life.

Change the locks, don't give him a key, put his stuff outside, he can stay with his dad for a change or go to the council.

I live with his dad and we’ve been together 30 years.

He’s been going to mental health appointments for couple years now. Makes no difference. I can’t do any more for him. He’s just a horrid person

If he ends up in a&e again say you're not having him back and he threatens you which he does.

They'll have to find him emergency accommodation or detain him for his own health

Sorry op, it sounded like you weren't together anymore.

Is his dad up for kicking him out?

Your son playing on his mental health is controlling. Have you spoken to a charity like Women's aid. They may be able to point you in the right direction for help and support.

It’s ok. Tbh I don’t know if he would kick him out. I think we’re gonna have too cause we can’t afford him being here as well as putting up with his crap.

I haven’t. I didn’t know who to speak too tbh. Thanks for the name of it tho. Will look into that

Sounds like he doesn't pay anything either OP. How serious has he got regarding the suicidal ideation? Has he actually ended up in A&E or are they threats? Does he have a formal diagnosis?

If you kick him out, does he have anywhere to go? Does he have any money for a deposit or rent?

He’s taken meds been on a drip in hospital overnight. He’s cut himself a good few times but nothing life threatening. They’ve said he’s got a personality thing. Can’t remember what it was and they gave him meds. As he’s so secretive I don’t know much tbh. He will have no where. He’s got no money. Nothing.

Does he have borderline personality disorder?

Have you ever contacted Rethink for advice?

Would you be willing to pay for him to move out and help him apply for housing benefit? Pay his deposit and rent until his benefits kick in. That's the only realistic solution I can think of given the circumstances.

Are there any charities in your area who work with people who need support in the community? He's attending therapy which shows he can cooperate, perhaps he'll work with a support worker who can keep an eye on him.

OP, your son needs serious MH support. What he has received so far is reactive e.g. something in response to a crisis. I have a son, a bit like this, although he is now more broken than abusive (he was very similar to yours at 20 except he did not use weed). For years, ever since he 'left' school (e.g. stopped attending) and left any support network there, I have been badgering MH services and social services for help, and receiving so very little. He (sometimes) attends MH appointments, but that is about it.

Social services may be the way to go. Your son obviously is not coping with life or even engaging with life. There may be supported living spaces available (I say this sceptically through experience). Ideally, he should be living in a supported environment, and then the relationship with you and his father can be much more positive.

I have often said (to myself) that I should demand my son leaves my house. Yet, I know how vulnerable he is, and how he has so few independent living skills.

I just wonder how many adult children are like ours: supported by parents (or others) and largely unseen by agencies.

Yea that’s what he said he’s been diagnosed with.
I wish we could afford to help him out but we’re working to pay bills as it is. Never heard of rethink. Will have a look at that.
I don’t know what’s in our area tbh. Thanks