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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

I’m done

36 replies

Dawnheartagram · 05/07/2024 21:52

I have a 20 year old son. Since 14 he’s deteriorated with his attitude. He won’t get a job, smokes weed all night long, his room is disgusting, uses his benefits but won’t give keep, eats all the food in the house, said to me the other day I belong in a coffin then couple days later said his dad and I where toxic. He constantly lies and is playing on mental health to get attention. I’ve put up with it for years and now I’m done. I have no one to ask for help. I’ve told him where the door is and he won’t go. I can’t handle him any where near me and my house is stinking because of his rotting food in his room and smoking. What do I do. I’ve tried being nice, tried being horrid. I can’t take any more. I haven’t spoken to him in 4 weeks now. Any advice or where I can go from here would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawnheartagram · 06/07/2024 12:43

nottatroll · 06/07/2024 08:59

OP, your son needs serious MH support. What he has received so far is reactive e.g. something in response to a crisis. I have a son, a bit like this, although he is now more broken than abusive (he was very similar to yours at 20 except he did not use weed). For years, ever since he 'left' school (e.g. stopped attending) and left any support network there, I have been badgering MH services and social services for help, and receiving so very little. He (sometimes) attends MH appointments, but that is about it.

Social services may be the way to go. Your son obviously is not coping with life or even engaging with life. There may be supported living spaces available (I say this sceptically through experience). Ideally, he should be living in a supported environment, and then the relationship with you and his father can be much more positive.

I have often said (to myself) that I should demand my son leaves my house. Yet, I know how vulnerable he is, and how he has so few independent living skills.

I just wonder how many adult children are like ours: supported by parents (or others) and largely unseen by agencies.

He’s having some help but tbh he’s coping fine. He’s either in his room 24/7 talking well shouting at people online or on his phone or out. Behaviour is fine with all that then just abusive to us all the time. We’ve tried and tried to help and I’m done with it all. A lot of this is just attention seeking nothing to do with his MH. That’s an excuse like most people these days. He’s been brought up independent. He knows how to live and look after himself so that’s no excuse.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 06/07/2024 12:46

HowIrresponsible · 05/07/2024 21:53

said to me the other day I belong in a coffin then couple days later said his dad and I where toxic

Throw him out. Pack his stuff up and put it on the street.

This. Change the locks and put his stuff outside.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/07/2024 12:52

There's nothing wrong with him, he's just a lazy waste of space who plays these cards to get his lazy ass way.

Time to get real op.

You and your husband go and tell him he has 2 weeks to pack his stuff together a find a place to live. At that point you change the locks and do not let him in! He can go to the council and state he is homeless.

Do not back down.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/07/2024 12:52

Actually state a date to him he needs to be out by.

pinkyredrose · 06/07/2024 12:52

Dawnheartagram · 05/07/2024 22:40

easier said than done by kicking him out. He will just try and top himself and either the hospital or police will come knocking and he has to come back. I can’t do it any more

They'll find him emergency accommodation if you say you won't have him back.

There was a mumsnetter who did just that not so long ago. The police brought her wayward son to the door yet again and she told them he was no longer welcome, they found him somewhere for that night then he went to a hostel, there were people there to support him with cooking, budgeting etc. It was by far the best thing for everyone.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/07/2024 12:53

Yes, do not accept him back if the police or hospital want you tom you don't have to!

Deadringer · 06/07/2024 13:01

The thing is op if you don't do something this situation will go on forever, picture yourself still living like this in 20 years time. It will not be easy but you need to make plans for him to go. Pack his stuff, change the locks do whatever you need to do, you can still support him emotionally but he needs to live elsewhere.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 06/07/2024 13:15

If your DH doesn’t have your back and support a tough line with your DS, can you move out rent a studio or 1 bedroom somewhere and leave them to it. You can visit have family dinners etc and still be there but have a safe space to retreat to?

I know you shouldn’t have to leave your home but short of putting up with it or chucking him into the street which as a mum I know is a hard concept without you and DH working together as a team it seems the only option

Original poster
Dawnheartagram · 06/07/2024 13:20

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 06/07/2024 13:15

If your DH doesn’t have your back and support a tough line with your DS, can you move out rent a studio or 1 bedroom somewhere and leave them to it. You can visit have family dinners etc and still be there but have a safe space to retreat to?

I know you shouldn’t have to leave your home but short of putting up with it or chucking him into the street which as a mum I know is a hard concept without you and DH working together as a team it seems the only option

I’m not moving out. I have my dogs and I run a rescue so I can’t and won’t leave. His dad’s just gonna have to support my decision to get him out. I’ve worked so hard for this home and what I do here I’m not going anywhere. It isn’t causing me MH issues I just hate having to deal with him and his crap any more and being treated like shxt

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawnheartagram · 06/07/2024 13:22

Deadringer · 06/07/2024 13:01

The thing is op if you don't do something this situation will go on forever, picture yourself still living like this in 20 years time. It will not be easy but you need to make plans for him to go. Pack his stuff, change the locks do whatever you need to do, you can still support him emotionally but he needs to live elsewhere.

It defo won’t go on forever. I will make sure of that.

OP posts:
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