Need advice, graduate son now back home

[katedan]

DS has just graduated, he loved uni and it was the making of him. He is very shy, spent 6th form in lockdown and as a result has no friends at home. He has no job and is struggling to be home. He never leaves the house, it has only been 2 weeks so I know he deserves a break after his hard work but I am worried. He already seems low, says he hates being back home and just watches TV and plays x box. I feel he is heading for MH crisis. We are saying nothing but just has no direction or plans including planning to meet up with uni friends etc. He does not drive so seems very trapped. Anyone else been in a similar place and their son/daughter found a way out?

Sounds like he needs a job (any job), driving lessons, and a career plan.

Meanwhile, some fresh air and a decent amount of housework?

One of mine drifted for months after sixth form. He did some volunteering for a bit and that led into a job (and then to uni a couple of years later).

Just moping at home is dismal at any age.

Is he applying for jobs? Further studies? Does he not need money?

At the risk of sounding like an interfering parent I helped Dd with job searching. I think she just thought a job would land in her lap and was a bit depressed that didn’t happen. She did bar work for a bit before getting a graduate job. She still lives at home but finding the job helped a lot, I was searching indeed, etc daily when she seemed a bit too depressed to cope with it.

i think leaving the independence of living with mates to being back home is also a shock. Has he kept in touch with home town mates?

He doesn't necessarily need a grad scheme job. The NHS, local universities etc will all have roles which can ge used as a stepping stone, getting some cash and experience behind him. Once he has a job, friends and other interests will follow.

I agree that you may need to help him search fur jobs. Some people need more help and guidance than others.

A friend, whose son graduated last year, said that her son would apply for a job, and then not apply for another until he’d had a rejection. He didn’t realise you applied for several at once.

What were his thoughts post uni? Any sort of plan? He can get help from his uni careers service post graduating. Lots of councils are desperate for staff on polling day- worth a look?

We are saying nothing

Why not ?
Why aren't you asking what his plan is?
Asking him how he intends to pay his way ?
Asking him what he is applying for?
Asking him why he isn't out looking for a job to tide him over until he works out what he wants to do longer term ?

Thank you, he has applied for jobs but I think like the poster above he applys for one and then waits. Grad schemes for LAs and civil service don't re open until Oct so I think he is waiting for that but already says he will be up against the next year's graduates.

He has no friends here so is very isolated, he walks dig and does some chores but does not need money as he never goes out.

I take on board me doing some looking and helping out but he does not take kindly to advice.

My daughter applied for the Grad scheme for civil
service and she got to final stages. During assessments there was a range of ages and different stages in their lives. A fair few already worked for the civil services - so definitely recommend having a look on the website for roles - it’s also good prep for when he does the actual application & test for the grad scheme.

I did have to like others say send my daughter the links and had to gently push things! Once she applied for the civil services grad scheme she thought that was it - just waited but thankfully i persuaded her to try others and she did well and got a role. She did need that support but she is now independent! It’s like uni all sort of planned and then that’s it!

He will also have the advantage of a degree in hand, some cash behind him and practical experience and skills IF he applies for jobs now, which will put him in a stronger position for grad schemes next year. It sounds as though he's convinced himself that it will all be pointless regardless, in which case it's even more important together an entry level job now.

Can you go out for a walk with him and ask him to come up with and then let you know his plan within the next few days. He needs to know that now he has finished education he needs to contribute at home financially and practically and needs to act like an adult housemate in terms of being open, polite and helpful, rather than revert to being a teen.

He can find himself some sort of job by signing on with employment agencies and approaching any employers in relevant industries and going to the job centre. It will help him to know that you expect action and that while he lives at home you do expect him to let you know how he is getting on.

You know it is tough and you love him and you will help in any way you can, but you need action and transparency.

He needs a job now, any job. Get him to sign up to a job agency and they will find him work. It will not be much more than minimum wage but that should motivate him to apply for graduate jobs. In the meantime he should pay you some 'keep' money to cover his food and utilities and do his fair share around the house. My son signed up to a job agency one day and started working two days later. It suited him because he was a bit shy and found interviews hard. It gave him confidence and later he got another job.

Utterly agree with this. He needs a job whilst waiting for his career to start.

Why are you saying nothing? You need to parent him so he doesn't end up like one of the countless loser men living with his parents when he's 50.

He does need money? Food, rent, clothes. Driving lessons. School's over, time to get out in the world. You need to start charging rent, he needs motivating, get on his case. He may not like it but you need to provide a steer

Does he want to learn to drive? Will he need to be able to drive for a job? He needs to start paying keep

Absolutely this. He is now an adult with a degree - he doesn't only need money if he's going out. He needs money to live!

It doesn't sound like he is a great self starter so help him. Walk him through signing up for agencies, applying for multiple jobs at a time. Sit on him so that it actually happens. Explain to him that this is what job searching is like - for everyone! That it is a crap and draining process but you just have to crack on and eventually something will happen.

Tell him that he will need to contribute to the household expenses now. Agree a timescale for when and what he pays. Sure if you are rolling it in, take it and save it for him for down the line (rental deposit, furniture or similar) but it's also fine to actually use that money to pay towards bills, mortgage, council tax. No-one is entitled to live for free.

what about his university careers service? Mine got a job through them a couple of weeks after graduating.

Why are so many posters talking about driving lessons. What makes you think he can't drive? I don't know many 21 year olds who can't!

Because the op said so

Probably the fact that the OP already said he couldn't was a massive clue to the fact that he can't drive.

This is a dangerous time, very easy to fall into the doldrums because some kids don't think very much about life after graduation. Uni still seems to sell the notion to kids that it's a golden ticket to a lucrative job, but that's not always true. I think you have to get across to him that it's a stepping stone, but there are there things he needs to do now in order to build a good adult life.

I've been through this a couple of times now - one of mine is doing an admin role while he decides what it is he actually wants to do. Your son has time to consider this but in the meantime a job with a decent company (even though it's not a 'career' type job) looks good on a CV, gives real world experience, money for driving lessons (and for his life generally) and is going to help his state of mind more than playing Xbox at home.

Encourage him to see old uni friends occasionally too.

I think it's hard for kids to realise they have to build the new life - it's not automatic.

He can't sit in the house till October I appreciate he might be struggling but is he just going to mope about? Your attitude Is also negative and you are excusing him.

Seriously op he needs to pull his finger out. My youngest ds has just finished year one of uni and has submitted a load of applications for jobs for the summer. He knows the jobs won't come to home he has to find the jobs. The longer your ds is doing nothing the harder it will become to do something. He needs to structure his job search as a work day, 9-5 searching for and submitting applications. Check his CV for him, make sure it's as good as it can be. What did he do his degree in? What interests him? What is his aim for his career?