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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Need advice, graduate son now back home

39 replies

katedan · 24/06/2024 21:23

DS has just graduated, he loved uni and it was the making of him. He is very shy, spent 6th form in lockdown and as a result has no friends at home. He has no job and is struggling to be home. He never leaves the house, it has only been 2 weeks so I know he deserves a break after his hard work but I am worried. He already seems low, says he hates being back home and just watches TV and plays x box. I feel he is heading for MH crisis. We are saying nothing but just has no direction or plans including planning to meet up with uni friends etc. He does not drive so seems very trapped. Anyone else been in a similar place and their son/daughter found a way out?

OP posts:

Mindymomo · 25/06/2024 08:37

My Son was a home bird, not bothered with friends, occasional text or email. Most of his Uni friends were from other Countries and went home after graduating. He also went to a uni nearby so still lived at home. Getting him driving lessons did him good, something to aim for, I had to push him to do it. It took him 6 months to get a job and that was through an agency, he went to the nearest big town and signed up to all the agencies, all online jobs were pretty useless. He’s in his early 30’s now, only friends he has is work colleagues, still at home, holidays with us, walks dog at weekends. He loves sport and tv and says he’s happy.

Raiseyourglass24 · 25/06/2024 08:43

I agree he needs to sign up with a few agencies and they will get him some temporary work as soon as his references come through. He will have to be flexible but anything is better than nothing.

allaboardtheplaybus · 25/06/2024 08:57

He's right in that he will be up against this years grads for jobs in October - the advantage he COULD have is if he gets some work experience to boost his CV.

He really needs to be applying for anything and everything. All jobs will give him some transferable skills, including voluntary ones. It's a case of applying for everything and hoping something sticks. Social media can be useful for finding local jobs, and just walking into pubs/cafes/tourist attractions to ask face to face.

My DS had a year out and signed up with a temping agency. He ended up doing several different jobs through them over the year, from office work to warehouse work to trimming grass verges - and it did him the world of good in terms of confidence and experience.

Mrsjayy · 25/06/2024 09:25

Wouldn't these post grad employers be looking for motivated candidates surely having a temp Jobs or doing "something " would look better than just faffing about at home. Its quite entitled to expect jobs to land at your feet

TeamPolin · 25/06/2024 10:49

What support does his University Careers Centre offer grads? I used to work in HE and our Uni continued to offer grads support up to a year after graduation. Can he get in touch and ask for an appointment with an advisor?

caringcarer · 25/06/2024 11:12

And if he really can't find a job right now he could be doing some voluntary work. A blank CV is very off putting for employers. It screams I can't motivate myself to find a job.

CormorantStrikesBack · 25/06/2024 11:30

My brother got in the civil service grad scheme but he worked in a cafe for six months and then in a letting agency before he got in.

A friends son has just got some sort of office junior post in the civil service after finishing his masters. It’s a foot in the door and money and experience.

he needs to do something

Original poster

katedan · 25/06/2024 11:47

Thank you just to clarify, he has worked 2 jobs while at uni one over the summer holidays which he is hoping to get shifts from this summer but it Is working in a holiday club. He is not work shy ( worked in a shop during lockdown was awful) he just lacks direction now and is feeling lonely and I can see if we let it slide the situation will get worse. I was looking for advice from others who have dealt with the post degree time when they return home and how to manage it. He has applied for jobs and has an interview next week but seems to wait between interviews as opposed to applying for lots of jobs. His uni career centre were good when he was at uni but only have jobs in the uni area and that is 3 hours away, he will have to live here for a while to be able to save up to move out.

OP posts:

AnneElliotsBestFriend · 25/06/2024 11:52

My daughter was in a similar position waiting for grad schemes so she did some voluntary work alongside her applications. It gave her something to talk about in interviews as it was relevant to what she was applying for. She got a place on the fast stream and is just waiting to be told where in the country they are goi g to send her.

ABirdsEyeView · 25/06/2024 12:04

The way to manage it is lots of gentle pushing and practical assistance in sending links to jobs you think would be suitable, help in writing a good CV/covering letters.
It's hard though - one of mine dislikes his job but anything I recommend, he finds a reason why it's not right! They have to be willing to compromise and accept they won't get 109% of what they want. It's hard to private someone who is lethargic about it all. All you can do is be upbeat, try to get him to see he has a whole future ahead, - he can shape his life and at the moment has a great opportunity without the burden of a mortgage/rent and high bills!

If he has no ties to your specific area, would he relocate or consider a year working abroad and could then have a go at next year's graduate milk round, having had a 'legit' reason for not applying with his graduating year group?

ABirdsEyeView · 25/06/2024 12:05

Typos grrr! Private = motivate

wildfellhall · 05/07/2024 22:07

I think young people mature at different rates. I was very lost after university and was massively lucky that a friend rang me and said come and work here at this fun job in London and another mate said come and live in this flatshare. I was crazily lucky. It was the late 80s - different world, but my ds had a lost year and a niece had a lost year. They need to find out that they have to go and get their life, life doesn't always come to you. But it's hard as a parent to watch and wonder how to help.
Trying lots of different jobs can really help as it helps them develop a work persona and attitude and also it helps them work out what they want and don't want in a job. Even if it's not the big career - you learn a huge amount about yourself in any customer facing role.

But it is tough for you, particularly if they're very down. Counseling can really help if you have a counselor who suits the person well.

GoldenDoorHandles · 05/07/2024 22:23

I suggest going out for a walk and coffee. Say you need to stretch your legs etc. Don't go straight in there with questions and advice. Just have a chat, how are you, anythgood on TV lately. Try to make it a routine every other day say or whatever seems sensible. After a couple of times say I noticed you haven't been out much, what could help you feel better?

I think steering him towards any hobby or volunteering

I don't agree with the any job philosophy. If it's affordable volunteering that interests him is better than a job that puts him off jobs.

SnowFrogJelly · 07/07/2024 11:26

katedan · 24/06/2024 21:23

My oldest DS was just like this. Eventually we got him to take a TEFL course which led to him initially working in London and then we strongly encouraged him to move to Berlin for a short time which was the making of him. Not sure if any of this is suitable for your DS but hope it helps

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