Borderline personality disorder

[Classy59]

Hello, does anyone here have any sons or daughters diagnosed with BPD please?
Looking for help and advice on how to support my young adult daughter (18 yrs). Quite desperate to know how to help her and myself. Anyone experienced similar or the same please
Feel like the worst parent, so to share would rationalise my thought process and feel guided towards help for me and

No sorry @Classy59 I haven't been t I didn't want you to go unanswered. Are there any supportive charities that you could get in touch with?

I don't have any direct experience but there is a helpful Facebook group called "Parenting Mental Health."

They are very supportive and cover a wide range of mental health issues. You might find it helpful to take a look.

I have a DD with BPD, it's a hard road.
She was diagnosed about the same as yours, following 2 suicide attempts.
We are now 4 years down the road, she has done intensive therapy and now holds a psychology degree, I am immensely proud of her.
This doesn't mean she is cured, there are and likely always will be ups and downs but she understands herself alot better.

Alongside her therapy I did a carers course which really helped me to understand what she needed from me.

The therapy is hard to get, I ended up using my local MP when the LEA accepted her and then tried to pull her off the course. Am so glad I fought for her place

Happy to answer anything you need

Sorry meant to mention it was DBT therapy she had, which is considered the best for BPD

Hi, I am diagnosed borderline personality disorder amongst other things, wondering if I could help you in anyway? Is there anything you specifically want to know?

Hi, thank you for messaging me.
Yes, um basically without going into lots of detail she's currently getting assessed in a hospital stay. BUT, she won't permit me, the hospital or her CS case worker to update me on how's she's doing. Let alone visit her. This has damn near killed me because I just want to help her and know she is safe.
The other complication here is a codependent relationship (2 yrs), and a sexual trauma at a party which then induced anorexia. So understandably she's in a pretty dark place.
So for the last 2 years this girl she's in a relationship with has pretty much turned her against me. The vile, spiteful things that have come out her mouth sometimes have floored me. But then I have said so pretty bad things in the past....we are both highly sensitive, emotional over thinkers so it was usual for us to have a little spat now and then and then carry on like nothing happened 😞
So, sorry, for long spam reply...do I just "hang in there" and give her space to focus on herself for now or something else ??

Ah I see, the codependency is a hard one, BPD shows it's symptoms in different ways in different people but have you heard of the term "favourite person" in BPD as this could be what your dealing with with the girlfriend, and that's difficult, I've had favourite people and as much as it's frustrating to everyone outside of the relationship ( whether it's family / friends / parter) it's even more draining to the person who has a favourite person because you genuinely base your emotions on the favourite person and how you are depends on how they are, hence what you might be seeing as a codependency. Ive had this myself in a 7 year realtionship that ended in tears a couple of years ago. When it ended ( i was then 26) i went completely of the rails for months, was unrecognisable but it did end and only then was i able to see theyd become my faviurite person. You can't really do much about this one ( I'm sorry). She will more than likely pick her ( please look up bpd favourite person so you understand if you haven't already), it's part of the disorder and not her being spiteful. I've been through phases like this of not letting my mum in at all, she just stayed distant to give me time whilst being in the background to let me know she was still there. Bpd is complicated because it is in a lot of cases caused by or atleast influenced by trauma which means our minds are altered. When she is saying vile things, she more than likely doesn't mean them, and it is just likely part of her bpd ( she is still young) and probably hasn't learnt how to manage/ live with bpd yet. That's a long road speaking from the heart. I believe a lot of thr time we lash out at the ones we love most because deep down we know they are more likely to forgive us.
As hard as it is try not to badmouth the girlfriend, play the long game, that way when she does realise it isn't healthy she knows she can come to you without the judgement rather than you being the villain in her mind. It's really hard to give exact answers because everyone's bpd is so different but I'm sure ad horrible as things seem right now things will get better over the years for you both. Maybe look at someone to talk to for yourself. I really believe it's just as hard for the people watching their loved one struggle with this, just in different ways. Please look for some help for yourself as well x

Your Dd is sensitive
She has an eating disorder.

ASD girls are often misdiagnosed.as BPD.

Eating disorders are strongly linked to ASD.

Hth

Also just thought I'd mention because I jus read your main question again... you're not the worst parent at all, not even a bad one or you wouldn't be seeking advice to help you both. Some parents just give up. You have not in hard times, to me that shows a good parent. Bpd is not your fault. It's related to trauma that was more than likely out of your control

OP have a look at the forum on the web site 'Out of the fog', there is somewhere for parents of those with EUPD
I think support for parents of those with the condition can be somewhat lacking, often due to the blame attached to families of origin, particularly parents ( the blame associated with the trauma in childhood)

Personally I'd have everyone, especially girls who are lumbered with ÉUPD or BPD as a diagnosis, get assessed for autism.

I have been diagnosed with EUPD op. There's something called the STEPPS program which is vital to ongoing wellbeing but she has to do the work. Avoid alcohol/drugs (self medication to escape intense emotions is common) but it just makes things worse. Probably avoiding relationships until she's stable.

I thought there was a move away from diagnosing people this young with bpd - I would support her to challenge the diagnosis if I was you.

My daughter has BPD, she is in her early thirties and married, she works part time. It has been very hard at times, her anger and shocking language aimed at me has been very unpleasant.
However she is my daughter, I read everything I could on the subject and tried very hard to understand her behaviour.
Keep going and good luck.

Sorry, I forgot to say, encourage therapy as much as you can. It does help.

So would l.

The stories of girls misdiagnosed with BPD are shocking.

Could but agree more.

I’m a MH nurse who works largely with women diagnosed with EUPD/BPD. Yes, I agree that she needs an autism assessment, but right now there’s very little you can do about that so let’s put it to one side. The main therapies for EUPD/BPD (DBT and emotional coping skills, plus mindfulness) are also generally useful for managing autistic overwhelm so even if she is undiagnosed autistic then she will still hopefully find them helpful. You say that she’s in hospital? Is she on a section? If yes, then you’ll be her nearest relative. This is a legal status that can only be changed with a court order and it does give you some rights, including the right to limited information about her and her hospital stay. https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/legal-rights/nearest-relative/overview/ For more specific information she does have the right to refuse, I’m afraid, but for very young patients, which 18 definitely is, we do encourage family contact. I hope this is helpful. This is not an easy place to be, but please be reassured that the hospital are doing their best. I always go out of my way to build a good rapport with the younger ones. Is this her first psych ward stay?

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 26(I think, it's a blur) then bipolar 2 a few years later. 2 near fatal overdoses with prolonged ICU stays with still ongoing recovery.
I became addicted to drugs for most of my twenties,
I'm 30 now. It made my mental health issues explode. I was addicted to cocaine at first, then ketamine (was sniffing and ounce a night) then I went onto crack, yes still have my teeth)
Anyhoo - 6 months clean and my mental health is much, much better.
My husband has put up with so so so much, he should left years ago BUT because he hasn't - I have come through the other side! What I have put my family through (husband and mum) is dispicabale but they were there when I was ready and I am going to do everything in my power to stay mentally healthy for them and myself.
Also I would like to add, I didn't steal to fund my hsbbit I had two full time jobs before I became properly unwell but I still did things I am not proud of which I will not go in to.
What I am saying is just "be there" for when she needs to "come to you" don't badger her, just show her you'll be there whenever she's ready to come to you

Hi, thank you for taking the time to message me so I didn't feel unheard. Just that alone was kind of you.
I was starting to think I was on my own with this but then after your msg came in others!!

xx

Hi Lindy
Yes I did previously hear of this and did take a look but it seemed mostly aimed at High School teenagers and below.
So I didn't continue with it but thank you for trying to help me x

Thank you for sharing and it's encouraging to hear how your DD was able to work through and come out the other side.

My daughter has had to postpone her A-levels for now but she's so clever and was expected to pass her Law with Distinction so it'll be great for her to pick that up again when her health has stabilised.
Thank you for the info on therapy too x

Hi Alisha, thanks so much for explaining and going into detail, this is really helping me and I will follow up on some research for this. Not knowing or understanding what she is going through is part of my frustration and sadness, so thank you. I would actually love to chat with you more, if you feel that would be okay?
There's nothing like talking to someone that has experienced something rather than going by a "text book".
And also to hear your story makes me realise I'm not alone or a bad parent. I naturally blame myself as her mum because I'm supposed to protect her when she's growing up. I can't help but think the sexual trauma at the party was probably the catalyst. We've always been close and hand on heart I know she would have spoken to me.
She was having therapy through STARS and I hope that is continuing x

Hi! My daughter is 22, not officially diagnosed but told by psychiatrist that she ‘likely’ has BPD.

Firstly, the book ‘Stop Walking on Eggshells for parents’ has been really insightful, as has ‘So your daughter has BPD’
if you’re on Facebook, I can recommend a group called ‘Support for parents of children with BPD’. It’s full of people who are struggling through the same things and sharing their stories. I’ve found it invaluable just to see that I’m not the only one in this situation and some solidarity for how difficult it is.

Good luck, and take care!

Hi Jennie
Thank you so much for replying to me and for the information, this I'm hoping will be really helpful.
Yes, she was sectioned 2 weeks ago for assessment as she kept running off and SH from her placement and the Police got involved. I can't believe I'm writing this...I sound like the worst mum in that she didn't want to live with me and kept running off and then described herself as homeless and then CS got involved. My head is spinning 😵‍💫

We are in Surrey. Which area are you in pls?

She even removed me as next of kin from college and put my sister's name (who I don't get on with!) this fuelled the fire for me, which didn't help. Why has she turned against me?! I curse the day she met this girl because from then on she turned to her and her family for everything instead of me.
So I don't feel confident that the hospital will even know about me
I do know which hospital it is but she has asked me not to go there ...so I don't know what to do for the best? Treading on egg shells...x
Is it possible to contact you directly please off this site ? Would you be agreeable ?