empty nest grief

[longpathtohappiness]

Oh my the pain is real, my heart is breaking

It gets better but the pain is a a grief that has to processed - keep as busy as you can -sorry you're having such a hard time it's heartbreaking

It is no coincidence 4 of mine have left home and I have 4 ddogs.....

It is really tough, OP! I totally understand. We often underestimate how difficult it is to see our children leave home and hardly need us anymore. Even if we realize that our children never really belonged to us and we brought them up to oneday become independent adults. The irony!

Let yourself feel your feelings. They are perfectly normal. Allow yourself to grieve, but try to put things into perspective when you are able...and keep going forward. They still need you just differently.

You will adapt and take joy in their achievements.

My nest is even emptier now - children gone, OH died.

Honestly, you can adapt to anything. Hope the children do well. That is your legacy.

You get used to it, quicker than you think, and like birds, once they’ve been gone a little while and you appreciate the tidiness and not having to constantly clean and feed them, it’s wonderful.

I see mine all the time, but I wouldn’t want them back for longer than one night.

I can remember crying when they went from full time “child” to turning 18 and going off to uni and never coming back permanently. It felt so young, like I hadn’t had them long enough.

It passes.

Try to think of the positives-
a) your child/children have been equipped by you to lead independent lives
b) they’re alive, healthy and happy.
c) you’ve gained back a bit of freedom and flexibility in your own life now.

Goodness we celebrated when we dropped ours off at university! 🤣🤣🤣

Just waiting on the others going

It hurts.
DH died in 2008 aged 56.
DD left home in 2017 aged 30.
DS left home in 2019 aged 23. Just me and Dcat now.
It's too quiet.

It's just so quiet. I'm so lonely

Have you got a garden or yard op? Never grew anything until Covid hit. Has honestly improved my mh. Listening to birds is quite therapeutic... Pots can grow things.. You don't need loads of space.
Feeling lonely is rubbish.. 💐

💐

I agree @longpathtohappiness .
We yearn for peace when the house is full and chaotic then we get it and dont like it

My heart is literally breaking, the pain of letting them go is unbearable. I can't stop crying. I promised myself I wouldn't be like this as I found it suffocating with my own DM but here I am struggling to cope

You need to fill your life with things you enjoy- which are different things now. You risk your relationship with them if you continue to be this upset. They may be feeling guilty for leaving you like this and that's really not good - they have their own lives to lead. Your pain comes across as very raw. How long have they been gone?

So what's your plan to pull yourself back up? To make the best version of yourself for when you see them next?

Now come along - pull yourself together! Sorry to be blunt, but you have got this all wrong. You cannot go on wallowing in this. Have you any idea how hard it will be for your chidlren if you express (or even hint at) this grief to them?

I always make sure that my AC know what I am up to - that they see me living a fulfilling life so they can be free. And so that I can have a healthy relationship with them into the future. I am in constant whatsapp contact with them - taking delight in their achievements, providing a shoulder to lean on when needed and telling them what I have been up to.

Life moves on and if you do not accept that and deal with it you will be utterly miserable long term.

Do you think you are suffering from a clinical depression? - have you any symptoms of this? Have you seen a doc about this in the past? If this is the case, then you need to seek help.

If it is purely that you cannot deal with an empty nest, then you need to grab life by the balls and start to make plans for this new phase of your life. Life goes in stages and each has its sorrows and its opportunities.

You are lonely because you are choosing to limit your life to the sadness you feel over your children leaving home. There is a lot more out there.

We all feel daunted by new stages in life, but in the main we don't sit around crying. We look at what is before us and make plans for the future. Change is hard, but we need to look it in the eye and find ways to capitalise on the opportunities presented.

I honestly think you should see a doctor so that your mental health can be assessed and proper help given as appropriate.

Here's a recommendation - look up your local U3A - they have lots of brilliant things for people heading towards this later phase of life.

I am sorry if I sound unsympathetic - I am not. I just think that if you let this get on top of you things will be hard for your children - you cannot make them responsible for your happiness - that is a massive burden for them to carry. Look at this new space of life ahead of you and start to write down what you would like to do with it. Do some research about the opportunities out there. You will feel better if you do something concrete. You can do this!

Have you any idea how hard it will be for your chidlren if you express (or even hint at) this grief to them?

Yes, please don't show them. They're out living the life you hopefully prepared them for - as well as possible. They'll come visit.

A wise post... my Daughter goes between me and boyfriend's house... I miss her BUT she is not responsible for my life or my happiness. I would as my quoted post says might wonder if a bit of depression is going on. Please seek some help... it can only do good..

It's funny. For years I dreaded the day that any of them might leave, and my favourite times are when we are all together, 100%. But it was when one left and was miserable that helped me reframe everything. She ultimately came home, deferred her uni place by a year and then went back a year later and was happy. It made me realise that I'll always want to be with them - but that more important than any of it is that they are happy.

I disagree with pp- you’re grieving and need to allow yourself some space for this. The raw pain you feel is completely normal in my experience and I don’t think you should be made to feel as if this is in any way unusual or something you should see the GP about. Obviously, if you feel like you’re completely unable to function and that you’re depressed then seek help, but what you describe sounds like bereavement to me. You’re grieving the loss of your role as mum to a child, the ‘old’ life you had, their presence in the house and it’s a huge transition!

It took me about 18 months to get through the grief of my eldest child going to uni. Of course I didn’t lay this on him and never let on how much I was hurting but my goodness, it felt like a death! I spent a lot of time crying, looking at old photos and reflecting on what I wanted things to look like in the future. In time it got easier, we transitioned into a new relationship, life is different now but I’m enjoying this new chapter.

I’m sure it will get easier for you too op but it takes time and it’s a tough adjustment to make but if it’s any consolation, the reward of having a great relationship with your adult child is worth it- let them see you move forward with life so that you have stories to share with them when you do see each other. You will get through this 💛

Blueberry40 It really does hurt, never felt pain like it. They haven't even left😪

Pain is unbearable, missing them so much. Trying to keep busy but doesn't stop the heartsche

How long have they been away OP? When you say you're trying to keep busy, do you have adult friends etc you're seeing regularly?

You set this thread up three months ago, has anything changed since then or does it still all feel as raw?

Ineffable23 they are still at home!! All in their 20s so spending a lot of time out now.

Do you have work, hobbies, a partner? I would also consider therapy in your case, this doesn't sound healthy.