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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Live-in Adult Child Will Not Cooperate

37 replies

AgingMum · 03/05/2024 19:48

I am new to Mumsnet and I am desperately seeking advice on how to handle my 20-year-old child who lives with me. She refuses to heed any basic rules, such as cleaning up after herself, and becomes verbally abusive when I ask her to take responsibility. While asking her to leave home seems an obvious solution, she simply won't go (and wouldn't be able to afford to support herself in any case). I'm pretty lousy at managing conflict, and I starting to go a bit mad. Please, have anyone managed a similar situation? Grateful for any advice.

OP posts:
Greywitch2 · 03/05/2024 19:51

The only answer, I'm afraid, is to say to her 'This isn't working for me and you will need to move out. I'll give you a date I want you out by, and after that I'm afraid if you haven't found somewhere I'll get the police to remove you from the home. You are an adult now and I'm not being treated like a piece of dirt in my own home.'

There is no magical way to prevent an adult verballing abusing you and refusing to comply with the rules in your home except telling them to leave. She'll need to find a friend to share with, or present at the council as homeless.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/05/2024 19:58

If you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will, and you're definitely not doing your daughter any favours by allowing her to be an arsehole.

Get tough and stop coddling her.

Definitelylivedin · 03/05/2024 20:04

The first thing to do is remove all privileges. Change the WiFi code, stop cooking meals or doing laundry. Do nothing for her. Stop paying any of her bills such as phone. Stop buying her food and toiletries.

All this comes before asking her to move out. Try and get her to see what a good deal she has got.

Original poster
AgingMum · 03/05/2024 20:07

Thank you both so much for these responses. Greywitch2, you mentioned the possibility of asking the police to remove her. Has anyone ever experienced this? I have told her many times that she must leave if she is unhappy here (which she claims she is when screaming at me). Short of putting her possessions outside the front door and changing the locks, I'm not sure how to physically remove her. Is this a matter that could involve police support?

OP posts:
Greywitch2 · 03/05/2024 20:41

I haven't personally done it, no. But I know that if you phone the police and say you have asked an adult to leave your home, that they are being verbally abusive towards you and you want them gone then they are supposed to come out.

If you give her reasonable notice to leave (can you offer 8 weeks perhaps?) then she is an 'excluded occupier' I think. But there should perhaps be some help for young people made homeless in your area. I think 16 - 25 is often the age range. I suspect a lot of people are like you and find that they are unable to have young adults still at home because of poor behaviour.

If the police won't come out after you've set the date you want her gone I believe you are within your rights to simply change the locks. It's your property, not hers and she has no legal right to remain after you've asked her to go.

WeightoftheWorld · 03/05/2024 20:45

The police would come if called and escort the child off the property. I have seen this before (although with a completely different background to yours).

Original poster
AgingMum · 03/05/2024 21:07

I am nearly weeping with gratitude at these suggestions. Thank you. @Definitelylivedin I have just taken your advice by starting to remove privileges -- by suspending her telephone contract. @Aquamarine1029 You're right. I have coddled too much. The conversation with the phone company took place against a background of her screaming so loudly that the lovely customer service person couldn't hear me. Daughter actually followed me around the house and wouldn't let me shut my bedroom door to make the call. Yes, I am venting now. But I am also feeling slightly more empowered thanks to this advice. As for a forced removal, I'll consider the excellent suggestions. Thank you again.

OP posts:
DiveBombingSeagull · 03/05/2024 21:10

Well done OP it is hard to get tough after so long of not, but you are doing the right thing. She is abusing you. I am sure that she doesn't behave towards her employer / colleagues / friends, the way she does to you.

Rainyblue · 03/05/2024 21:13

That is abusive behaviour towards you. Screaming and not letting you shut your own bedroom door?

She is 20 and capable of sorting out her own phone contract.

NotARealWookiie · 03/05/2024 21:13

You are doing the right thing op. Wifi code next.

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 03/05/2024 21:14

Change the WiFi password.

Wishlist99 · 03/05/2024 21:15

Sending you strength, from a fellow mum with a dd with challenging behaviour.

Icanseethebeach · 03/05/2024 21:15

You’re in an abusive relationship. Women’s aid can offer good advice.

WhatDaPoint · 03/05/2024 21:16

Have you got video of her abusing you? It might be an idea to get some. Just so you have it.

You can get help and support from any of the domestic abuse charities. What you are experiencing is domestic abuse.

Don't have any real life support?

Good luck. It must be incredibly difficult for you.

CadyEastman · 03/05/2024 21:18

Really feel for you OP. My DD is younger but was in total meltdown this time last year.

Wishing you strength. Life isn't perfect now but we manage to have times when we both are relaxed and enjoy one another's company.

Can I ask what your DD does? Is she studying, working or both?

Do you think that drugs might be involved at all?

TruthorDie · 03/05/2024 21:19

She needs to go and l would request the police to assist. I have known it happen but from a professional rather than a personal perspective

Octavia64 · 03/05/2024 21:27

Agree with pp.

Police don't need to be the first step,

First stop paying for things for her. Stop doing her laundry, stop cooking for her.

Put a lock on your bedroom door so you have some private space.

If possible (eg there is an en-suite and a family bathroom) allocate bathrooms and stop using or cleaning hers.

Original poster
AgingMum · 03/05/2024 21:36

Thanks so much for all of this. I'm not sure if there is a way to reply to individual posts? But I stopped paying for toiletries and basic food products some time ago; ditto for laundry. She has her own bathroom/bedroom set up which is filthy. I've decided not to tackle that right now, but keeping that area cleaner has to be part of a bigger discussion of her living here. It's the abuse that's bringing me low. She actually refers to the place as "my house" and will say she can do as she likes "in my house." She tends to use her phone data rather than the household wifi, so suspending her SIM may send a stronger message. This will happen as of Monday, although she won't stop screaming at me for long enough for me to explain the timing. In response to one of the questions ... she is working from home in a job that came through one of my connections, although I'm not sure she quite sees it that way. Again, so grateful for the suggestions/support.

OP posts:
CadyEastman · 03/05/2024 21:53

I can understand her saying it's her house in a way. It is her home. You're probably looking at it from the daft that you pay to house her.

If her bedroom is filthy, does she work in there?

Does she go out? My DD has trouble looking after her own room. I tend to do things like take out dishes and empty the bin when she's out and leave the rest. I do, do my bf DD's laundry but she is new to work, is ND was is just getting used to working and looking after herself.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/05/2024 21:59

Like hell it's her house. She is simply privileged enough that you allow her to live there, and you need to put a stop to that. Abuse should always be a deal breaker. It is fucking outrageous that she has the nerve to scream at you, ever. Stop being a doormat and finally teach her that behavioural choices have consequences. You're under siege in your own home, ffs.

Original poster
AgingMum · 03/05/2024 22:30

I've not addressed the issue of the bedroom, given the abuse that follows my requests for her to take responsibility for communal spaces. I had sort of hoped that the state of the bedroom could be part of a larger, calmer conversation about how to best live together. We've not got to that point yet. I'd arranged to suspend the SIM as of Monday in hopes that we could have a reasonable conversation over the weekend. But when I asked her to clean up a mess created 24 hours ago or risk my moving the SIM suspension up to tomorrow she said she wasn't going to jump when I told her to jump. I am sorry to moan. But it is so nice to draw on this support.

OP posts:
Original poster
AgingMum · 03/05/2024 22:32

@Aquamarine1029 You have described it perfectly. I do feel like I am under siege in my own home. And yes, I have been a doormat. Appreciate the reality check.

OP posts:
WeightoftheWorld · 03/05/2024 22:43

Oh OP. You are a victim of domestic abuse. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this for support? A partner, sibling, parent or friend?

I can't believe you're being treated like that and I'm so sorry. I really think your DC just needs to move out asap. It doesn't sound like a safe environment for you bluntly.

WhatDaPoint · 03/05/2024 23:04

Are there other people living in your house with you and your daughter?

CoralPanda · 04/05/2024 00:34

Agreed with everyone here, time to get tough she needs to stand on her own two feet