Live-in Adult Child Will Not Cooperate

[AgingMum]

I am new to Mumsnet and I am desperately seeking advice on how to handle my 20-year-old child who lives with me. She refuses to heed any basic rules, such as cleaning up after herself, and becomes verbally abusive when I ask her to take responsibility. While asking her to leave home seems an obvious solution, she simply won't go (and wouldn't be able to afford to support herself in any case). I'm pretty lousy at managing conflict, and I starting to go a bit mad. Please, have anyone managed a similar situation? Grateful for any advice.

It is good that you have made a start by not paying for stuff for her.

It is not her house, it is your house and her home while ever she behaves in an acceptable way to the home owner - if she is not behaving acceptably, then she leaves.

I know that that is easier for us to say than for you to make happen, but lean in to the support that you have here, and perhaps seek some real life support, if you feel that you are able.

Bloody hell Op, it sounds horrendous. Hopefully some of the advice on here will help.

Don't forget that this is Domestic abuse every bit as much as if it were a partner. If it gets to a stage where you feel threatened you can involve the police on that basis.

It is domestic abuse. Do you have any other family members who can help?

Anything of hers left out in the communal areas of the house that isn't tidied away within 72 hours goes in the bin/to the charity shop. (You don't necessarily actually have to put it in the bin - just tell her you did. Can stick it in a box in the loft if you think she will actually miss it, just let her sweat a bit).

She needs to spend the Bank Holiday Monday sorting out her room and getting it to an acceptable standard. Get through any laundry backlog. Amnesty on all cutlery, glassware and crockery that is hiding in there. Big bin bag and all the rubbish goes in it. Another bin bag for everything that's for the charity shop. Change the sheets, hoover and wipe all the surfaces. She can have whatever music she wants playing whilst she does it, but just needs to power through and get it done.

This is the bare minimum. In the short periods I lived at home as an adult, I was expected to buy and cook dinner for the family twice a week. I've had to do my own laundry and load and unload the dishwasher since I started secondary school. If I had someone over, I was responsible for cleaning the entire house myself. No point babying her or when she does move out it'll be a total pigsty.

Thank you. Thank you. This support is simply amazing. I had no idea how helpful this sort of interaction could be. I woke up this morning feeling much brighter, having taken the first step by suspending her phone contract. I am so grateful to you all.

It's so so hard.

Where is the other parent?

The route we decided to go down (after A LOT of shouting, arguments and worry - you have my sympathy) was 'this is our house, these are our rules. Live by them and you are welcome to keep your room. Continue to break them and that is you choosing to live elsewhere'

Our rules were very basic - go to work, don't break any laws and either be home by 1030pm or let us know when to expect you back/where you are staying'

My daughter couldn't follow those. She went to work when she felt like it and consequently lost 8 jobs before she turned 20. She spent her days in bed, her evenings getting drunk or high, didnt come home on many occasions leaving us worrying, was driving with no insurance racking up speeding tickets. And if we said anything we got a load of abuse. We'd bailed her out many times previously - giving her money for debt, helping her get jobs, trying to get her to engage in some counselling but we reached the end of our tether and for our own mental health and that of her younger siblings she left.

Yes shes your child and you love her but you cant be in that situation in your own home. hard as it is you need to give the ultimatum and stick to it.

This was our situation 12 years ago, except our son was 18. Had to use the Police to evict him, and the local council had the responsibility of housing him. Your home should be a safe place, not a war zone. Our son has thanked us for evicting him and has actually said that he wouldn’t be the fine young man he is, if we hadn’t used tough love.
Does your daughter work, in education, have mental health issues or substance misuse issues?
In our situation it was cannabis misuse. Strict boundaries had to be put in, stop enabling and he had to face the consequences of his poor choices.
Remember you can phone the Police if she’s verbally abusing you.

Sympathies from me too, OP.

But ... what is her issue? Why do you think she behaves as she does? She's way too old for defiant/hormonal teenager. Is it drugs, depression? She must know her behaviour is not normal. Loads of 20 year olds still live at home and it may not be ideal but it's not hellish like this.

Agree with PPs asking how did she end up in this situation? Has she has any help to manage her explosive feelings? At assessments for ND? Surely you didn't get to breaking point without finding out if there is anything she could be helped with?

Give her notice in writing of the date you want her to leave by. Make it two months in advance, and tell her ( verbally - not in writing) this will be rescinded if she becomes pleasant to live with. Otherwise it is a formal eviction notice.

After they've discussed things last night and the OP is feeling calmer?

You'd break your own DD's trust like that?