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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

If you had a girl and then boy...?

38 replies

iamnewpleasebenice · 02/05/2024 09:11

How did it turn out?

I'm convincing myself that a third is not required as I don't want my son to be a middle child.

Feel like there are so many cons with having a third but I also worry that I should give them another sibling.

How is life with 2, once or each? Did they stay close? Did they still get on? Are they still close into adulthood?

OP posts:
Burnfort · 02/05/2024 09:19

I think you need to unpick your ‘logic’, OP. What do you imagine is the significance of having a girl and then a boy? Are you trying to engineer a close lifelong sibling relationship and imagine this is more likely with two children of the same sex? You clearly don’t want a third child, so why on earth even contemplate having one out of some odd sense of duty?

Surely the only way your son will be ‘a middle child’ is if you have a third child?

Original poster
iamnewpleasebenice · 02/05/2024 09:23

Burnfort · 02/05/2024 09:19

I think you need to unpick your ‘logic’, OP. What do you imagine is the significance of having a girl and then a boy? Are you trying to engineer a close lifelong sibling relationship and imagine this is more likely with two children of the same sex? You clearly don’t want a third child, so why on earth even contemplate having one out of some odd sense of duty?

Surely the only way your son will be ‘a middle child’ is if you have a third child?

No, not refering to the same sex at all. I love my two but my hearts says have a third but my head says no.

I'm wondering if just leaving it at two is enough for them to grow a life long relationship or are more sibling needed for that to happen.

I am one of 5 and OH is one of 7, we all have strong sibling bonds and therefore I don't know what things with look like if they only have 1 sibling each.

OP posts:
Burnfort · 02/05/2024 09:27

iamnewpleasebenice · 02/05/2024 09:23

No, not refering to the same sex at all. I love my two but my hearts says have a third but my head says no.

I'm wondering if just leaving it at two is enough for them to grow a life long relationship or are more sibling needed for that to happen.

I am one of 5 and OH is one of 7, we all have strong sibling bonds and therefore I don't know what things with look like if they only have 1 sibling each.

Show quote history

Well, I’m one of five and we’re not at all close in adulthood. I have one child by choice and my siblings are childfree, which probably tells you something.

Hoppinggreen · 02/05/2024 09:27

I had a girl then boy and felt no need for any more at all.
My BD and SIl did the same and then wanted another one - they had another boy. They actually both regret it, although they are all grown up now.
They said that everything was set up for families of 4 and it just made things like holidays etc a bit harder. SIL loves babies but not quite as much as they get older and my Niece ended up mothering her brother a lot.
Every family dynamic is different though

Original poster
iamnewpleasebenice · 02/05/2024 09:32

Hoppinggreen · 02/05/2024 09:27

I had a girl then boy and felt no need for any more at all.
My BD and SIl did the same and then wanted another one - they had another boy. They actually both regret it, although they are all grown up now.
They said that everything was set up for families of 4 and it just made things like holidays etc a bit harder. SIL loves babies but not quite as much as they get older and my Niece ended up mothering her brother a lot.
Every family dynamic is different though

How old your two if you don't mind me asking? Do you think if you went for a third it would unsettle things?

Does your SIL work?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 02/05/2024 09:40

iamnewpleasebenice · 02/05/2024 09:32

How old your two if you don't mind me asking? Do you think if you went for a third it would unsettle things?

Does your SIL work?

Show quote history

This was all a while ago. My 2 are 15 and 19 so a 3rd would be VERY unsettling for all concerned!!!
My SIL was not working at that time and she didnt until all 3 were at school and then only PT with plenty of family help

steppemum · 02/05/2024 09:46

I have 3, they are about 2.5 years apart, boy, girl, girl.

They are now older teens/adults.
they like each other, but their lives are completely separate. No joint friends or social groups and off at different unis doing different courses.

I can't imagine them being close as adults.
But they are happy enough when they all come home together.

Original poster
iamnewpleasebenice · 02/05/2024 09:47

@Hoppinggreen aww thank you so much for responding.

I don't have family help at all but also can't not stop working full time so would have to work after maternity leave is over.

As sad as it makes me feel I think stopping at 2 just makes sense.

Are your two still close if you don't mind me asking? Did you continue working while they were small?

How does the relationship between your two differ from your SILs 3? I'm sorry for the questions just would like some insight/help...

OP posts:
KateMiskin · 02/05/2024 09:51

God, so glad I didn't have any more than 2 children, with the economy the way it is.

Hoppinggreen · 02/05/2024 10:11

iamnewpleasebenice · 02/05/2024 09:47

@Hoppinggreen aww thank you so much for responding.

I don't have family help at all but also can't not stop working full time so would have to work after maternity leave is over.

As sad as it makes me feel I think stopping at 2 just makes sense.

Are your two still close if you don't mind me asking? Did you continue working while they were small?

How does the relationship between your two differ from your SILs 3? I'm sorry for the questions just would like some insight/help...

No need to apologies at all, I am happy to answer.
My 2 were quite close and DD definitely mothered him a bit - her bollockings were much more terrifying than the ones from us and bothered him more!! I remember when he was about 6 and she was 10 she really told him off for his behaviour at Beavers "so go right back in there and apologise to those ladies who give up their free time to do this"
As he developed a mind of his own and didnt worship her as much they werent as close and they are very very different in terms of personality but I know they have eachothers backs. He gets very "territorial" when she has a Boyfriend and was not happy when one stayed over for the first time. She likes to complain about him but he is doing exams at the moment and she has been very supportive.
I didnt work until DS was around 2 and then only 2 mornings - I am SE so very flexible and then stepped it up when he started school but mostly around school hours as I didnt have much family help.
As for my SILs 3, the older 2 arent close but the middle and younger one are, mostly because as I said she mothered her little brother a lot

Apologies for essay 😀
Its a real head/heart decision for you I am sure but I cant advise really because despite adoring DS I do think I should have stopped at just 1 for a variety of reasons.

SnapdragonToadflax · 02/05/2024 10:15

That's a really odd way of thinking. The 'norm' is two children, and plenty of people are close with their sibling. Plenty are not. You can't engineer it by having a big family.

My mum has two siblings and isn't close to them at all, they're very different people. My MIL has six siblings and is only close to one. My best friend is very close to her only sibling. All people are different and will have their own relationships that are nothing to do with you.

Original poster
iamnewpleasebenice · 02/05/2024 10:23

SnapdragonToadflax · 02/05/2024 10:15

That's a really odd way of thinking. The 'norm' is two children, and plenty of people are close with their sibling. Plenty are not. You can't engineer it by having a big family.

My mum has two siblings and isn't close to them at all, they're very different people. My MIL has six siblings and is only close to one. My best friend is very close to her only sibling. All people are different and will have their own relationships that are nothing to do with you.

Thank you

OP posts:
follygirl · 02/05/2024 10:23

I have 2, girl (19) then boy (17).
I am the youngest of 3 (boy, boy, girl) and hated it as I always felt like spare wheel to my 2 brothers. However that's what my family was like I'm not saying it's always like that.
However having just 2 kids makes like a lot easier in terms of cars, holidays, even being able to hold both their hands when they were young.

Original poster
iamnewpleasebenice · 02/05/2024 10:23

follygirl · 02/05/2024 10:23

I have 2, girl (19) then boy (17).
I am the youngest of 3 (boy, boy, girl) and hated it as I always felt like spare wheel to my 2 brothers. However that's what my family was like I'm not saying it's always like that.
However having just 2 kids makes like a lot easier in terms of cars, holidays, even being able to hold both their hands when they were young.

Thank you

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 02/05/2024 10:24

I think you need to stop worrying about not having a third.

Absolutely none of my friends are having a 3rd child, because of costs and exhaustion. I have stopped at 2.

To answer your original question, I am female and have a younger brother (2 year gap). We played a lot together as kids and still get on now, though we live at opposite ends of the country. In no way was our family ever missing a third child. My parents decided not to have a third due to my brother having sleep issues for 4 years. I am also glad not to have another sibling as my parents then went through a horrific divorce when we were approaching teenage years.

Original poster
iamnewpleasebenice · 02/05/2024 11:36

MariaVT65 · 02/05/2024 10:24

I think you need to stop worrying about not having a third.

Absolutely none of my friends are having a 3rd child, because of costs and exhaustion. I have stopped at 2.

To answer your original question, I am female and have a younger brother (2 year gap). We played a lot together as kids and still get on now, though we live at opposite ends of the country. In no way was our family ever missing a third child. My parents decided not to have a third due to my brother having sleep issues for 4 years. I am also glad not to have another sibling as my parents then went through a horrific divorce when we were approaching teenage years.

Thank you.

I guess this is what I want to hear. Coming from a big family I feel like a failure for not having more kids...

OP posts:
Twoshoesnewshoes · 02/05/2024 12:25

I have adult DCs, girl , boy, boy
four years between each
they are fairly close and sometimes meet up together (without parents)
the closest pair is the eldest and youngest
I’ve loved having three!

BodyKeepingScore · 02/05/2024 12:30

There are no guarantees that your children will remain close into adulthood regardless of how many siblings they have. I come from a large family... all very close. DP is also from a large family... they're all completely different personalities and not close as adults. It really comes down to their individual personalities and where life takes them. It would be lovely to imagine our children all retaining a strong bond as adults but it's not always the case.

mibbelucieachwell · 02/05/2024 13:00

My DD and her DB squabbled incessantly until DD started at a different school from her DB.

Now in their twenties I don't think they could be described as close, but they're very supportive of each other and seem to get on very well. It's lovely to see.

Original poster
iamnewpleasebenice · 02/05/2024 15:59

mibbelucieachwell · 02/05/2024 13:00

My DD and her DB squabbled incessantly until DD started at a different school from her DB.

Now in their twenties I don't think they could be described as close, but they're very supportive of each other and seem to get on very well. It's lovely to see.

Did you ever consider a third?

OP posts:
WeightoftheWorld · 02/05/2024 16:25

I don't think there are easy answers to this although having said that it, you don't come across as actually wanting a third child? So definitely don't have another if you don't want to! I think whether siblings are close/get on etc depends on soo many factors. I'm the youngest of 3 and as adults we've all settled near each other near to our family home and remain a very close family. However me (eldest) and DB (middle child) are a lot closer and get on better than either of us do we the youngest (DSis). But this is because she is Hard Work and my DPs find her very trying too. Nevertheless we all keep the peace and see quite a bit of each other etc so I'm not talking about any big fallings out or drama or anything. We are all quite close in age - less than 2 yrs between me and my DB and then about 2.5yrs between DB and DSis.

I'm pregnant with our third now but we have bigger gaps. 3.5yrs between DC1 and 2 and then will be another 3 between 2 and 3. We have a girl and a boy too, I don't think the sex of the third matters.

I'm pregnant with

WeightoftheWorld · 02/05/2024 16:26

I'm the oldest of 3 I mean! Apologies for the typo, I'm on the app so can't edit.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 02/05/2024 16:28

I have an 18yo dd and a 16yo ds. They are the best of friends and always have been - it's fab! I had absolutely no desire to have a 3rd anyway tbh.

aintnospringchicken · 02/05/2024 18:36

I had a girl first then a boy.They are both adults now with their own homes and are still very close.
DD was very protective of her little brother when they were younger.3.5 years between them.
I never contemplated having a third child.

Kelly51 · 02/05/2024 21:31

I have DD, DD, DS, DD, eldest DD and DS are pals and 2nd and youngest DDs are close, Despite 2 eldest being nearer in age they are not close at all.
There's no guarantee they will have close relationships, many people have little closeness with siblings.