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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

When to say enough is enough?

41 replies

Imgettingtheword · 13/04/2024 11:24

AIBU? I have 3 DDs. All have done 4 year degrees and we have paid their rent etc for all that time. 2 of them now say they want to continue in education/ year out. We cannot support them for another year!!! We are just about holding onto the house at the moment and have no money for holidays etc. The 2 kids have part time jobs but it’s nowhere near enough to pay rent etc. Wwyd? Want them to do what they want to do. They are not lazy and are generally pretty great people. But when is it our time?? Anyone in the same boat???

OP posts:
ssd · 13/04/2024 11:26

Yep!! Let me know when you figure it out

Floofydawg · 13/04/2024 11:27

I'd say after paying them through a 4 year degree you've more than done your bit. Time for them to grow up, and they'll have to fund their own further education.

xyzandabc · 13/04/2024 11:30

That's great, you want to continue in education/have a year out. We love that you're planning your future. How are you going to fund that?

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 13/04/2024 11:30

If you don't want to pay for it; tell them.

They can take a year or so out, save up and then do it

Cookerhood · 13/04/2024 11:31

We told ours we would help out for 4 years in education, no more. The other thing we was to help out with their first month's rent & deposit when they started work as it had to be paid before they were earning.

BeaRF75 · 13/04/2024 11:31

You have already done more than enough. Just tell them that from now on they will have to get jobs and fund any further study themselves. They are taking you for granted, so they need to start behaving like the adults they are.

itsnotyouagain · 13/04/2024 11:32

We've said from the outset we'll provide support for a degree but after that we financially won't be able to. I'd love to be in a position to pay for it all but that's not our reality.

Octavia64 · 13/04/2024 11:32

Masters degrees are funded by the government these days so their fees will be paid.

If you can't afford it you can't afford it.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 13/04/2024 11:33

@Imgettingtheword they are on their own then!! you cannot continue to fund them!

Deliadidit · 13/04/2024 11:38

God yes enough is enough! My DC completes their degree this year and then is going straight on to do Masters. They are currently looking for a full time job and house share - they know they have to fund this themselves and actually wouldn’t have it any other way!

TeenLifeMum · 13/04/2024 11:40

Octavia64 · 13/04/2024 11:32

Masters degrees are funded by the government these days so their fees will be paid.

If you can't afford it you can't afford it.

Huh? How do you access this magical funding? Does it cover living costs too?

ssd · 13/04/2024 11:41

Octavia64 · 13/04/2024 11:32

Masters degrees are funded by the government these days so their fees will be paid.

If you can't afford it you can't afford it.

How are they funded by the government???

Octavia64 · 13/04/2024 11:46

Ok, sorry I was inaccurate.

In my day the government would not lend or give you any money for masters.

You can get a post grad loan from the government.

www.gov.uk/masters-loan

Original poster
Imgettingtheword · 13/04/2024 11:48

Thanks all. Helps to know I’m not the only one. The problem is DH who sticks his head in the sand with regards finances. He complains all the time to me that we are broke but won’t tell DC that. Maybe a pride thing? I think he would sell the house and downsize just to support them but I just think that’s going too far!!

OP posts:
Zwicky · 13/04/2024 11:54

Want them to do what they want to do.

They can, they just have to pay for it. They can take a post grad loan, they can work (full time between finishing in May and starting again in almost October), they can delay the masters a year or do it part time to boost their earning potential, they may be able to do it local to you and live cheaply with you. I know there are parents still fully finding their dcs at 22/23/24 but it’s not the norm. One of mine is currently on a pre uni year out because she’s going to study in London and she/we can’t afford that without her saving up. Most people, most of the time only get to do what they want by sacrificing something. You need to have a blunt conversation though, so it doesn’t come as a surprise and they can plan accordingly.

Cbljgdpk · 13/04/2024 11:57

I was supported through a degree and when I chose to do a masters my mum said I needed to support myself which was fair and I was fine with. She helped me out when she knew I was short like with buying me clothes here and there which I really appreciated

Cbljgdpk · 13/04/2024 11:58

Just to add I managed it by working all the hours I could in a minimum wage job in the very long holidays and then part time during term time. It was hard but doable and to be honest no harder than having a full time career now

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 13/04/2024 12:02

Just tell them straight you can't afford to support them any longer. They either need to find full time employment or move out and fund it themselves.

ssd · 13/04/2024 12:16

Actually i can see i got away likely. We help the kids out when we can but they've always worked and paid their own rent.

Motnight · 13/04/2024 12:21

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 13/04/2024 12:02

Just tell them straight you can't afford to support them any longer. They either need to find full time employment or move out and fund it themselves.

This. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

CuriousGeorge80 · 13/04/2024 12:26

My mum and dad were always very clear with us that they would support us through an undergrad and then we were to support ourselves. We actually then got more help with house deposits later which was far more useful than helpful with a masters which we could cover with a loan.

But actually it sounds like your issue is your husband as opposed to anything else. I would say to your husband that you are doing your children no favours by enabling them to get to their mid-20s without the ability to be self-sufficient.

Just make sure you treat all your kids the same.

Floofydawg · 13/04/2024 12:35

God, don't sell your house OP. Think of your retirement. Are your adult kids going to fund that?

LipikarAP · 13/04/2024 12:39

It depends. If it's something like medicine or architecture then I'd try to fund. If it's another masters because they like being a student, then they could take a year out to earn.

AllEars112232 · 13/04/2024 15:29

TeenLifeMum · 13/04/2024 11:40

Huh? How do you access this magical funding? Does it cover living costs too?

Show quote history

The PG loan is paid to the student for either tuition fees or living costs. It's not enough for both. The PP was definitely in cloud cuckoo land!!!

AllEars112232 · 13/04/2024 15:30

OP, they are adults. They can fund their own lives now. They need to make choices based on what they (not you) can afford!