When to say enough is enough?

[Imgettingtheword]

AIBU? I have 3 DDs. All have done 4 year degrees and we have paid their rent etc for all that time. 2 of them now say they want to continue in education/ year out. We cannot support them for another year!!! We are just about holding onto the house at the moment and have no money for holidays etc. The 2 kids have part time jobs but it’s nowhere near enough to pay rent etc. Wwyd? Want them to do what they want to do. They are not lazy and are generally pretty great people. But when is it our time?? Anyone in the same boat???

Have you asked them how they are going to find this?

3x3 years of higher education is enough. They are taking the piss if they think someone else is going to fund these extra years.

but ask the question,perhaphs they have a plan to self fund that doesn’t include you

We couldn't afford to pay rent for our dc when they were at college but they had the option to live at home so we supported them in that way. They are still living at home as they are saving for houses of their own but they do contribute towards bills. If you can't afford it that's it, you need to keep a roof over your head when all is said and done.

You have priotitised them and their education for 4 years. They have a degree. Now you have to focus on yourself and your own needs and wants. If they want to continue into further education, they have to fund it themselves. I must say though, I admire that you supported them all financially so they could step into the big world with a good education behind them. You sound like devoted parents but you cannot financially support them any longer.

It's been a long time since I did my masters but you could apply for funding then (not government funding, it was a research body who funded mine) if you were savvy enough to tailor your topic to something they wanted to research. Takes a bit of homework to sort out but they should be pretty good at that by now!

You've done more than most parents at this point and I'd be saying enough is enough to them. A postgraduate degree is nice but it's not essential for most jobs and at some point they are going to have to accept that they are adults and need to start supporting themselves.

I've been quite clear from.day 1 that I will fund first degrees only, masters and PhDs will be funded by them. I have to plan for retirement. I'm not made of money.

DS is finishing his 2nd year of undergraduate study. We have told him that if wants to do a follow on masters we can't afford to help with rent but if he chooses a university within commuting distance he can live at home. That gives him a choice of four or five or he can get a job.

You have done a lot for them, it's perfectly reasonable to tell them that you cannot afford anymore. That's reality and they shouldn't be shielded from it.

Are they actually keen to study/develop themselves more?

Of my circle, there were two very different camps of people who went on to do Masters- one group who were genuinely interested in the subject and further study was necessary for searching for work, the other who were just keen to avoid entering the Real World post-uni, and another course was a great way to delay that.

When you say continue in education what do they want to do?

My DS is doing a phd, but it's fully funded so costing us nothing. Is that what they're looking at? Or is it a masters?

I dont think any kids take on an extra 8k of debt, at least, to do something for kicks.

One of my DCs did 1 year at Uni, dropped out, took a year out (worked during that year) before going to a different Uni where they did 3 years as undergrad followed by 1 year Masters. When they started to express a desire to do a PhD (humanities, so funding was unlikely) I straight up told them that it was time to get FT employment and that if they wanted to do a PhD it was up to them to fund it at some point in the future.

There comes a point when your DCs have to face the realities of the world.

What do you think you'll do, OP?

https://www.gov.uk/funding-for-postgraduate-study

I am going to do as suggested. They will have to self fund. One can choose a uni close to home for Masters and live here🥹. The other can save up before trotting off to do god knows what. I am conscious that the older DD went into work after uni and hasn’t bothered us for money since. Seems unfair to do any different for the others, as a PP pointed out. V grateful for all your input x

It sounds like you have decided, but if it helps, I am one of 3 sisters, and my parents said they would fund 5 years of university, which was effectively one degree and made us employable, anything after that was a choice we would make and fund ourselves.

Eldest daughter did a 5 year degree, got a job in that field, after 15 years self funded a masters and went in another career direction.

Middle daughter did a 5 year double degree, then had to pay for the additional year of practical training herself (working PT, and living at home paying peppercorn rent). They did a Masters in the same field about 3 years later, self funded, whilst working full time.

Third daughter did a 4 year degree, and it was always the joke in the family that she was ‘owed’ another year, if she ever wanted to go back for something. She later started a Masters in the same field, Self funded and whilst working full
time, but didn’t complete it through lack of interest and the thought that it wouldn’t increase employment opportunities vs the cost, time
and effort.

All 3 of us agree that having to fund anything over the initial degree was the right thing to do, as it made us value the education more, and put more thought into the choice (or to stop choosing it) for the right reasons (a career change for one, passion for the area and advancement for the second, and actually realising there was no need for the third).

Although middle daughter does feel a bit hard done by that she wasn’t employable without the extra 6th yr practical training and she funded that herself, but it’s not really an issue and her earning power is v high now, so it never comes up.

The important thing we all agree is that we were treated the same and we knew the ground rules.

Well they’re hardly looking at it as debt if they’re expecting their parents to pick up the bill, as OP believes.