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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

DS(22) - greedy or hungry?

47 replies

SandyThumb · 03/04/2024 20:53

DS is home for Easter break, but finishes his uni course in June and will likely be living back at home for a while.

We (DH & I & him) mostly get along fine, but the one area where we seem to argue is over food!

I do all the food planning, shopping and about 70% of the cooking/food prep (e.g. will make soups, quiches, salads etc for the fridge/ lunches etc).
As a family we always have an evening meal together if we're in, and everyone is happy to continue this.

DH cooks a simple meal about 2-3 times a week. DS doesn't yet regularly cook for us all, but we've said when he's back permanently he will join the rota!

The issue is that I always cook more than is required for a single meal so there are leftovers for the freezer or the next day. When DS is home, regardless of how much I cook he says he is still hungry and eats it all. Tonight I cooked a meal with quantities for 6 and DH & I each had a sixth and DS had two thirds. When I gently suggested he leave some for tomorrow he started accusing me of controlling his food intake?

But part of me just thinks he is being greedy and taking advantage of the 'free' food at home, cooked by someone else?
I've seen what he eats at uni (he sends pics of his meal prep) and it's nowhere near as much per meal. He says he 'doesn't have time' to make more food at uni and that when he comes home he needs to bulk up!

I can't work out how to navigate this fairly? We have no intention of denying him food, but nor do I think he should be fueling his calorie overload at our expense and effort?

OP posts:
mamacorn1 · 03/04/2024 20:55

Dish him a plate up and put the rest in the freezer immediately. He is being greedy and just eating it because it is there.

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 03/04/2024 20:56

is he in any way in need of losing weight? If not then leave him be. Or start separating the leftovers before serving. But consider that an early twenties man will typically need more calories than people in forties/fifties

Lunchclub · 03/04/2024 20:56

Yes, what @mamacorn1 said.

If he’s still hungry he’s an adult, he can buy and cook his own food.

TextureSeeker · 03/04/2024 20:56

I don't know, mine are still teens so I'm not in your position but I can't imagine begrudging my son food when he comes home from university. I'm Irish though and I think it's inbuilt in us to feed people up, it's a way of showing love and care.

NuffSaidSam · 03/04/2024 20:57

Blimey.

He's an adult, let him eat what he wants.

If the cost is too much you're well within your rights to ask him to contribute. If the effort is too much then tell him to make his own.

But don't snipe over an extra portion of Bolognese or whatever.

JustKeepSwimmingJust · 03/04/2024 20:57

Also if he’s not working as well as studying, why isn’t he doing his share of cooking? It might help with the emotions around his eating on your side?

Dacadactyl · 03/04/2024 20:59

If he wasn't fat and I wasn't struggling for money or time to do the shopping, I'd let him eat.

If he was fat and I didn't have the money, time or inclination to shop more, I'd tell him to pack it in.

PerfectTravelTote · 03/04/2024 20:59

I really don't think I could begrudge my son a larger portion of a healthy meal when he says he's hungry.

JosieJones1987 · 03/04/2024 21:00

If he's at uni he's probably not eating properly

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 03/04/2024 21:00

Men in their 20’s eat a lot! Unless he has weight issues let him eat.
If he doesn’t fill up on your foods don’t be surprised if he gets junk and take away/deliveries.

mondaytosunday · 03/04/2024 21:01

Young men seem to be able to eat their own weight on a daily basis. But I'd give him a generous portion and say that's it - if he's still hungry there's fruit or he can make himself a sandwich.
My son can eat loads, but he doesn't live with me so the odd weekend it's not an issue as I buy in extra.

Lizzbear · 03/04/2024 21:01

Oh my goodness. We have a ds 22. He's been "bulking up" for the past few months. The food bill has shot up and he's asking for lots of high-protein foods, which are expensive.
Luckily, he's decided he wants to go "lean" to show his muscles off for the summer.
The way I decided to look at it is that now he's working, he can contribute a bit towards the extra food bill.
But we only have one child and I don't mind feeding him extra as he's generally polite and respectful.
Good luck op!!
And any food you don't want him to eat, hide it in the freezer.

Original poster
SandyThumb · 03/04/2024 21:17

As I've said, I don't begrudge him the food if he's hungry, but I'm not sure he really is?

I have no doubt that if I'd cooked quantities for 10 tonight rather than 6 people that he would still have wanted to eat it all i.e. 8/10 of the total. Occasionally I have seen him sitting shovelling it in to the point where he looks nauseous.

When I've cooked double quantities and insisted that some be kept back he's complained that 'he'll be hungry' and yet when I've said he'll have to make himself some toast or something he strangely doesn't bother...

Since he was a teenager I've always assumed he eats at least double what DH would.

It's not so much the cost, but the sort of lack of respect for the time spent in preparation, or the thought that someone else might want some cold meat in a sandwich tomorrow, or some lasagne for lunch (we are all at home often).

OP posts:
Original poster
SandyThumb · 03/04/2024 21:18

He is not overweight - very much an ectomorph and finds it hard to bulk up.

OP posts:
Maybeicanhelpyou · 03/04/2024 21:23

My ds wouldn’t eat it if he didn’t need it! He’s 18 and eats an awful lot, but he does have a ‘full’ gauge. If you can afford it let him eat….. compromise by getting him to cook once or twice a week

Runningbird43 · 03/04/2024 21:26

Thinking about it I probably used to do this 🤷‍♀️

not to bulk up or gain weight before/after starving at uni, but because shopping and cooking for a single person was boring and uncreative. I didn’t have the freezer space for batch cooking, so generally it was beans on toast, toasties, cereal, maybe a chilli or spaghetti bol that I’d then have to eat for days on the trot. I rarely bought really nice stuff like fresh bread, or lots of fruit and veg, as it wouldn’t last long enough to do it justice- again I’d be living off stir fry for three days.

when I got home for the holidays I’d blow out on all the lovely food I just couldn’t afford or justify at uni. French bread, proper meals, veg, stuff that I didn’t have to cook and then eat for the rest of the week.

cut him some slack. Dish him up a normal portion but let him get seconds if he needs.

Ponderingwindow · 03/04/2024 21:27

Are you having trouble paying for groceries?

if the answer is no, then policing your young adult son’s portions is unreasonable.

MumChp · 03/04/2024 21:30

Cook for 4. Game over.

Octavia64 · 03/04/2024 21:36

I have a son of a similar age.

He is quite capable of eating much much more than I do (as a 47 year old woman).

He is genuinely hungry and eats a lot at home as well - mostly veggie curries.

In all seriousness, appetite goes down generally with age which is why you get so many threads in here saying "my PIL have served me a tomato and three pieces of rice and called me greedy for asking for more".

GrumpyPanda · 03/04/2024 21:44

Strange comments on here. OP clearly doesn't "begrudge" her son additional food. However, she batch cooks so she doesnt have to cook twice a day. If DS gobbles up everything indiscriminately he creates a lot more work for her. I'd put a firm foot down OP. If DS is still hungry he can do his own cooking without pilfering ingredients needed for the next day.

EarringsandLipstick · 03/04/2024 21:50

Honestly I despair.

If OP really wants to have extra for the freezer or lunches, she needs to say so clearly.

However, it's perfectly normal for visiting young adults, especially students, to enjoy home cooking & fill up. I remember what my brothers were like, I see my teen DSs & how much they eat! I remember myself enjoying the 'nice' food at home when I came back as a student, even though I wouldn't have eaten huge quantities.

Maybe just decide what really matters about the food & communicate that to him. But leave out the 'greedy' judgment of him.

TiredWife · 03/04/2024 22:12

Yes, I agree 'greedy' isn't a nice word, but once someone starts eating 4, 5 or 6 times a generous portion what is that? It's either greedy or an eating disorder?

Sounds like the OP suggested she wanted some of a large meal left over and her DS got aggressive?

I can understand why you want to establish some guidelines around this before your DS moves back home, OP, otherwise you'll end up running a 24 hour kitchen!
In our house with teens we have at least one fridge shelf which is off limits as it's food earmarked for other meals, and a shelf which is available leftovers, snacks, meats, cheese etc.

The teens can get very possessive over food though, and in the past I've had to stop them trying to 'claim' food (e.g. the last pizza) by marking things up with a sharpie pen! And it's not like there's a shortage of food, but of course they will always head for the easy options.

I suspect your DS is still enjoying having so much of your delicious food on tap as it were, but FWIW it would probably irritate me too if he was constantly derailing my food planning and shopping by eating everything in sight!!

rookiemere · 03/04/2024 22:15

I think you need to start removing the extra portions and freezing them straight away, before the dish hits the table. Make sure there is plenty of bread and peanut butter/jam for snacks if he is still hungry.

TiredWife · 03/04/2024 22:17

I have no doubt that if I'd cooked quantities for 10 tonight rather than 6 people that he would still have wanted to eat it all i.e. 8/10 of the total. Occasionally I have seen him sitting shovelling it in to the point where he looks nauseous.

This is the bit I'd just keep an eye on, especially if it looks as if he is forcing himself to overeat for the sake of 'bulking up' 🙁

EarringsandLipstick · 03/04/2024 22:24

but once someone starts eating 4, 5 or 6 times a generous portion what is that? It's either greedy or an eating disorder?

Ah stop!

Have you never met a 22 yo student? He's home, lovely home cooked meals are appearing before him, he's enjoying it.

My portion sizes are relatively small - an adult male could eat 4 x what I have & it would be generous but not ludicrous.

If it really matters to OP, then she can put aside what she wants to keep & say so. But this 'gentle' suggest of eating less would annoy anyone.