DS(22) - greedy or hungry?

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DS is home for Easter break, but finishes his uni course in June and will likely be living back at home for a while.

We (DH & I & him) mostly get along fine, but the one area where we seem to argue is over food!

I do all the food planning, shopping and about 70% of the cooking/food prep (e.g. will make soups, quiches, salads etc for the fridge/ lunches etc).
As a family we always have an evening meal together if we're in, and everyone is happy to continue this.

DH cooks a simple meal about 2-3 times a week. DS doesn't yet regularly cook for us all, but we've said when he's back permanently he will join the rota!

The issue is that I always cook more than is required for a single meal so there are leftovers for the freezer or the next day. When DS is home, regardless of how much I cook he says he is still hungry and eats it all. Tonight I cooked a meal with quantities for 6 and DH & I each had a sixth and DS had two thirds. When I gently suggested he leave some for tomorrow he started accusing me of controlling his food intake?

But part of me just thinks he is being greedy and taking advantage of the 'free' food at home, cooked by someone else?
I've seen what he eats at uni (he sends pics of his meal prep) and it's nowhere near as much per meal. He says he 'doesn't have time' to make more food at uni and that when he comes home he needs to bulk up!

I can't work out how to navigate this fairly? We have no intention of denying him food, but nor do I think he should be fueling his calorie overload at our expense and effort?

nor do I think he should be fueling his calorie overload at our expense and effort?

I find this such a strange way to view it. I can't see why it all needs you be so loaded (excuse the pun). As he's visiting atm, I wouldn't make an issue.

When he comes home properly (the summer) absolutely our fair to have different roles, around making & contributing financially to meals.

Occasionally I have seen him sitting shovelling it in to the point where he looks nauseous.

But this line in particular suggests the DS isn't really appreciating and enjoying the OP's efforts and home-cooked food - he is simply treating it as 'loading' and at the same time depriving someone else of the excess portions he has eaten?
If all he wants is protein and calories without any acknowledgement of the time and effort in creating the meal he should just fix himself some protein shakes!

I get your concern and slight irritation, OP!

Maybe. Though given the loaded language OP is using about her DS & how he eats, I'm wondering if this is OP's judgment, rather than having a basis in fact.

I’ve found (my)teenage boys/young men CAN be a bit selfish like this over food. We had to set some ground rules with our DSs when they were that age otherwise they would just have emptied the fridge, out of boredom and BECAUSE FOOD WAS THERE, rather than real hunger. DS1 would stand with the fridge door open and munch his way through a kilo of sliced chicken and a pack of Gouda slices while he was contemplating what to make for lunch!

If they say they’re still hungry offer toast or cereal!

No - it’s true. And then an hour later he was asking me if we had any Rennies!

I think young men do have endless capacity for food. Which is fine.

Having said that, it's perfectly okay to allocate a portion of the main food and except him to fend for himself if he's still hungry after. He can make a sandwich, a jacket potato or some pasta or buy in whatever food he specifically likes.

No offence OP , but have you thought that perhaps you are creating a weird atmosphere around food in your home ?

It sounds deeply engrained from your descriptions . Was food intake limited in your childhood home ?

Please let the young man eat unless you are going without .

We all enjoyed my mums cooking and my parents used to even bring up a bowl of cereal for me as a moody teenager if I said I didn't fancy what was made dinner .

allocate him a portion of the meal and then give him a loaf of bread and point him to the toaster

If you're wanting to freeze portions, put them clearly to one side before you sit down to eat, so it's just not available for him. I often make an extra portion so I can have lunch the next day, and I'd be really annoyed if it got eaten, too. When DSS is here, I will plate up a meal, but give him "extras", like garlic bread or something, to help bulk it out a little. We also had plenty of healthy snacks like fruit and yogurt, and he could always make toast, cereal etc.

My DS is that age, he can eat loads, huge amounts. He does do a fair bit of sport, he isn’t overweight at all. He eats over double what I do.un less he is overweight or it’s unaffordable it wouldn’t bother me.

So you want the food you cooked in advance for another meal to be kept for that meal as you have planned. It is really very simple. When he eats the meal made for another night you need to plan and prepare a whole new meal - which is a whole lot of extra work for you.

It is worrying that he does not try to see your perspective but goes on the offensive to claim you are trying to "exert control" over his eating. I'd firstly be having a word with him about how this kind of communication is not okay; when someone is making a request you try to listen to what they are saying, you don't just attack them.

And secondly, is a rather entitled and self-centered reaction, and one you probably want to help him grow out of. If he wants to have a happy and lasting relationship he will need to learn how to contribute to domestic chores and appreciate the efforts others make to contribute to a home.

You don't need to make gentle suggestions. You are his mother; he has things to learn. Just explain he now needs the adult skills of contributing to a household. Divide the cooking up, let him know how much he needs to contribute to the food bill, or let him pay for and cook x many meals a week himself (which would teach him budgeting skills). Let him know he is welcome to cook additional food for himself, but as you do batch-cooking, any food you prepare for another night is strictly off limits. This should be well within his capacity at age 22. His future spouse will thank you, and maybe stick around longer than they would have otherwise.

My 28 year old son is back home for a while. He eats so much more than us and cooks the most amazing,tasty meals. Ok so our cost of food has gone up but he pays for extra ingredients….I really don’t care ,just enjoying having him at home before heading off to Australia!

Oh get him to cook and do the portions.

Yes he is being a bit greedy; the solution is for him to take a bit of responsibility. He's not a child so he can do some cooking!

This. He's having home cooked food and making the most of it. Don't make an issue over it.

Personally I think it shows more respect EATING the food you have prepared.

I’d love it if all my food was gobbled up by grateful hungry kids.

Can’t imagine my kids coming home from uni and wanting to ration the food for the next day.

He will have exams coming up in would imagine.Having said that my dd cooks to procrastinate revising!

Ah let him eat his dinner without all the monitoring, he'll be gone back to uni soon and your food system will work perfectly again. He's probably enjoying your home cooked food!

If I were you I’d plan for him to eat 2 or 3 times the amount you’re having, trebble the recipes, so he doesn’t mess up your system. My 16yr old ds probably eats as you describe when we have a Sunday roast, at least 3 times the amount I eat and I eat well.

For more than the length of a working day? More than 6-8 hours a day is probably pointless, and he can cook a basic meal after that one or two days a week.

disclaimer: I did my masters degree with a baby (turned one in finals week) and I had to feed us!

Just going to highlight part of OPs response here...

When I've cooked double quantities and insisted that some be kept back he's complained that 'he'll be hungry' and yet when I've said he'll have to make himself some toast or something he strangely doesn't bother...

He's not actually hungry, he's binge eating because its in front of him, and might need a bit of help with regulating that from his mum, cos she cares - I don't think you're creating a bad atmosphere around food here. Okay, it's a really difficult, fine line to tread and figure out how to handle, but you only have to read the weight chats on here to understand that stuff like this can grow into something more problematic. I think there's a lot of empathy on this thread from a lot of different perspectives and experiences, but it is okay to say 'let's save some food for other people'

Young men’s calorie and macronutrient needs are vastly more than us middle aged women! When we cook a roast, a couple of extra plates spare will be needed just for a snack. Protein and animal fat are the most satiating, which is why we encourage our sons to eat things like scrambled eggs, if they’re feeling hungry

I'd be delighted if my adult ds finished off the food.. that's what it's there for? If you want to make sure there's some left, put it in a separate bowl with yours/dh's name on it?