How can I help my adult daughter realise it is time to fly the nest?

[Isla044]

I haven't been on this forum for a very long time so need to re-learn all the terms used, needed to get that out before I forgot.

I am a mother with 4 children, well... they're not all children anymore really, my 2nd born is 22 and my youngest is 13.
My daughter, who I feel needs to move out is making my life absolute hell and I literally feel anxious if she looks at me funny, it means Ive annoyed her somehow and she will then ignore me and give sly dirty looks until she feels she wants something from me.
A little back story....
She has a job and a new bf, the new bf came about as an overlap, we know this due to my youngest son (18) asking me for advice about how to help his 'friend' in a sticky situation and it all just fitted.
I get why she doesn't want to tell us her business and nor do I want to know really, but the lies annoy me.
My daughter will lie through her teeth to us and confide in my sister in law, who she shares a hobby with.
She has caused embarrassing issues for my sister in law which has caused my daughter be be asked to leave the hobby/club they shared, my daughter came home telling us (hubby and me) that she got bored of it and just decided to leave.
She has a totally split personality. She shares a room with my youngest daughter who is 13, my 13 year old is not allowed in the room if she is in there watching tv or with her bf.
She will shout and stamp her feet at my youngest two and cause mayhem in the house, she cooks and leaves an absolute disaster in the kitchen, she won't hang her wet shower towel, it just gets thrown over the banisters for me to hang or wash, she doesn't buy her own shampoo or sanitary wear, she uses mine and won't tell me I need more, its just silly inconsiderate things, but she's 22 for goodness sake, nothing I say makes her stop and think.
She will walk through the front door of an evening with her bf and not even ask if he can stay, which then means I need to set a up a bed for my youngest in the living room, at first she would ask if he could stay over occasionally, and now she won't bother.
She will even walk through the door and not say hello, its open plan so im feet away from the front door, its just rude.
He stayed 3 days in a row over this last weekend and then asked for him to stay again on Monday night, I said no because I don't want it all the time, she stormed out of the room and hasn't spoken to me since.
I am painting an awful picture I know, but the thing is the other side of her is sweet, funny, kind, loving and 'normal'.
I have tried speaking with her on many occasions but I now feel like I want my home back.
I am not the type to want my kids to leave, I cried for weeks when my eldest moved out, and actually have been dreading the day my next says they're moving out, I love my kids at home, but she is making me feel ill.
I say all this and in a few days time she will be back to being loving and kind again.
My problem is that I know she does not earn enough to move out and rent or buy, I know she doesn't have savings for a deposit and im considering starting to save myself to give to her so that she can, but I fear she would not manage the upkeep of a flat or room, its far too much money where we live.
Is there any help for young people to find a place of their own?
How do I raise this with her, I don't want to make her feel unloved or not wanted.
Any advice would be appreciated, Thank you

I moved back home around that age after a couple of years in work place accommodation. My mum sat me down and told me that living at home as an adult was completely different to being a child. She said I was very welcome as an adult in the house but had to behave like one. I suspect I'd been behaving like it was an all inclusive hotel up to that point! It really helped as I felt she was treating me as an equal and I agreed to the expectations she had. I'm sure it wasn't perfect from that point on but it was definitely easier for us both. I think you need clear boundaries and having your youngest give up their bedroom is not ok. If she wants to have a night with her BF she can go to his. She can also pay you keep which you may choose to set aside for a deposit (if you want to). Otherwise she can move out - her choice.

If she's an adult, she's living in your home on your kindness. You are no longer legally responsible for her. I'd be reminding her of this. I wouldn't tip toe round the issue.

You absolutely have to set boundaries. explain to her she is now an adult and she has two choices. She can live with you respectfully - no attitude, no mess, certainly no barring her sister from her own bedroom. And she contributes, by Direct Debit every week, a fair amount towards the cost of running the home. In return for her behaving like an adult, she gets to live far more cheaply than if she had to fend for herself.

If she doesn't like this, she has to move out within a month. That would give her time to find a room as a lodger somewhere, or possibly share with her boyfriend.

But she doesn't get to be a stroppy, bullying teen. I'd challenge that every time: Why do you think you have the right to do this? How would you feel if I behaved that way? How would you feel if you were banned from your own room? Make sure she actually answers the questions. It doesn't have to be a row. But she needs to realise she can't continue behaving this way.

Your poor 13 year old. First step I'd be doing is saying if bf stays then HE is on the pull out in the living room!

The first thing that jumps out is your 13 year old not allowed in her bedroom. She's still in education and needs a space to study, relax and not feel unwelcome because of a boy.
Yes your 22 year old needs to move sooner rather than later I'm afraid. She has no respect for your home or you and I would say it's time for her to leave

You need to speak to both her AND the boyfriend. She won't like it but that's too bad. You need to set boundaries and she/they need to realise why you're doing it and then keep them.

Firstly you put a stop to the boyfriend staying over / being in the bedroom after the time your younger daughter is getting ready for bed . I seriously cannot believe you have allowed that situation . Just tell her , if she wants boyfriends in bedrooms and overnight stays then she needs to find her own place as it isn’t happening here .

Exactly, plus she isn’t even allowed in there if her sister says so.
For Gods sake @Isla044 grow a backbone and at the very least stop your dd being bullied, because she is.

She's got her boyfriend sleeping in the room with your 13 year old? Or your 13 year old is being turfed out of her room so the boyfriend can stay over. Either way, wtf?! Why are you allowing that?!

You're allowing a man to intrude in your 13 year old girls bedroom. Honestly what are you thinking?

You tell her the boyfriend doesn't sleep over any more and it's time she started looking for her own place. Pull your big girl pants on and sort this out.

Bloody hell this needs sorting now for your 13 year old! How are you letting the older one stop her from going into her bedroom and making her sleep in the living room? WTF? How are you at this point?

I'm sorry op but you need to be firm with her- she's an adult, but behaving like 16 years old- that needs to change.

If she wants to continue to live in your house she needs to pay the rent or can find her own space.
I wouldn't allow her bf in your house, unless in the living room, absolutely not in the 13 years old dd bedroom- that's bonkers.

Thank you for this. I have actually stated this to her, my parents never allowed boyfriends to stay, I had younger sisters. I may actually put a stop to it altogether. The thing is, she makes me feel like im being unreasonable by telling her it's not fair on my youngest. She will tell my youngest she will buy her sweets and chocolates so she can feel like she is camping, to ME its manipulation, to her im unreasonable.
I really appreciate your message, Thank you

Yep, You're right.
I have been bullied into thinking im being unreasonable when actually im being a parent.
Thank you

In the meantime, you need to sort proper accommodation for your thirteen year old daughter. It's outrageous that she can't be in her room when her sister is there or worse, when her sister and boyfriend are there.

Ah, I see other people have pointed that out, too.

This whole situation has got me feeling sick. I don't want to be mean to her, (which is how she will spin it) but my youngest is suffering, she actually kicked her and her friend out Saturday night because SHE was home, its sooo not right, I genuinely thought I was going crazy, im not, im right.

Im going to talk with her tomorrow when she is home from work, she just stormed out the door, not even saying bye!
To be honest I really do think she needs to see what its like living and paying your own way, maybe when she comes back because its too difficult she might appreciate us more.

I am still learning how to use the website again, so thank you ALL for taking the time to advise me. (And kick me up the bum)

Good advise, Thank you

How much rent do you charge her?

Whatever the amount is, put it up

Has she always been allowed to walk all over you all in your own home? Serious question, I'm not being flippant. When did this blatant disregard for her parent/s start?
Your pussyfooting round her needs to stop.
Your poor 13 year old will be suffering due to lack of sleep, which will be no good for her school work. And it isn't doing your own mental health any good. How can you possibly relax in your own home with this going on?
She is 22, not a child. This needs tackling, head on, as soon as.
Stop the boyfriend staying over for a start! She wants to sleep with him? Fine, they do it elsewhere, not under your roof.
She uses your stuff, doesn't tidy up etc? Again, if she wants to behave like this, then she needs to move out and do it in her own place.
She's pushing boundaries and playing on your weakness that you'll do nothing about it, which up to now, it seems you haven't.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but she is disrespectful and you are the parent here. It should be your house, your rules.
Give her a months notice and stick to it. She needs a short, sharp shock. Her behaviour is totally unacceptable and inappropriate.
What she does going forward then, is her own choice. She's a freeloading, inconsiderate adult who needs a dose of how the real world works!
Wishing you good luck 💐

You’re letting a man into your 13 year old daughters bedroom? That’s not ok at all.

Just tell her you need to start looking for your own flat, things aren't working here anymore

You are letting her kick your 13yo out of her bedroom. That needs to stop immediately.

you say she is on a low salary. We don’t know how long she has been working. Let’s suppose it is just 1 year and she makes 18k.

she Isn’t renting so that frees up 30% 5.4k. She uses your toiletries and presumably doesn’t contribute to groceries so let’s say another 10% for 1.8k. That is 7.2k she should have saved from living at home without even actually setting aside any of her budget towards savings. If she has actually been working multiple years, she should have more than enough saved to move out.

except you are talking about needing to save money for her, which is ridiculous.

I actually don't know when it started. My eldest NEVER spoke to me the way she does, nor do my other 2, it's very strange. YES, we all have disagreements in the house but when I put my foot down with even my 18 year old, he knows I mean business, she just does not seem to care at all, and THEN will go crying to my mum about it...who by the way will tell her to suck it up, she won't be manipulated I can tell you.

My eldest when he was 23 was going out the door one evening, and said bye etc, my hubby said to him 'WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?" (sorry bout caps) he said to jacks, who is his friend, my hubby said no you're not, not tonight.... and he actually closed the door and said, oh, ok, and went to go back upstairs. Of course he was joking and we all laughed, but that's the level of respect my others have, he was 23 at the time....
She just does not care, the looks I get are evil and I just cannot take it anymore.

I will stop the boyfriend staying, its not right, I KNEW it wasn't right, but she makes me sound so unfair to her, that she's being victimised or something, its very strange.

She does pay rent, I am considering saving that each month, giving her 6 months to save herself and then give her half of that back as a bonus to help her.
I don't want bad feelings, I just want to be able to relax in my own home.

Thank you so much for your reply

Oh hell no. If she thinks she is an adult, she needs to behave like one . Point out that if she was flat sharing there would be house rules about food, kitchen duties and most certainly about boyfriends staying over to much.
You can suggest alternatives. She and boyfriend can move out together , room sharing . He can go hone every night or she can stay at his place.
Be very clear that what is not going to be happening is your 13 year put out of her room. Even if 13 year old says it is OK , YOU ate mo longer allowing it . No fucking way . Let her shout , strop as much as she wants but do hold firm . I wouldn't even let her engage in arguments. Lay down your rules, if she doesn't like it , then she can leave .

Be sure to charge at least close to market rate for rent. She needs to learn how to budget. And if you make it too low she'll have no incentive to move out! Be warned, she's going to think paying rent entitles her to behave worse!

I try to be gentle when posting on here but there’s no gentle way to say this. Your poor youngest child must feel so unimportant and you’re teaching her that her needs and wants don’t matter and are trumped by everyone else’s. What the hell must that be doing for her self esteem and what impact do you think that’ll have on her relationships both now and as an adult? You need to apologise to her, explain you’ve been in the wrong and explain that it ends now and from now on she can trust the adults in her life to advocate for her. Then speak to your oldest daughter and say she has a months notice, but if she lives up to expectations with her behaviour during that month you can review her staying longer. Be explicit with your expectations.