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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

WWYD

38 replies

blackcherryconserve · 06/02/2024 15:30

DD is 17 weeks pregnant and has been signed off work for most of it. She has been very unwell (physically and mentally) but won't respond at all to any messages since her 12 week scan. She has a partner but I don't have his details and in any case she won't forgive me if I could contact him. I have no way of finding out how she is at all nor what the results of her blood tests are (she is almost 40 years old).

She has told very few people, which I get, but I'm even having to keep it a secret from other close family members. I am obv very worried. Any wise Mnetters have any advice? WWYD?

OP posts:
Pr1mr0se · 06/02/2024 15:46

Send her a card. You're coming across as a bit intense to be honest. Let her know you hope she feels better soon and she knows where you are if she needs anything....

I was expecting you to say your DD was a teenager but she's nearly 40 as you state so can hopefully look after herself.

To be honest it's her decision to talk about her pregnancy and/ or involve anyone in it or not.

Original poster
blackcherryconserve · 06/02/2024 15:49

I did send her a card about three weeks ago.

What is being tense about worrying about your adult child's first pregnancy and not getting any news at all? Her mental health is rock bottom.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 06/02/2024 15:52

You could try sending another card but be very general in it, Say something like you hope she and bump are doing well and you would like to have a catch up etc over a cup of tea if she would like.

Her blood results are frankly her own business and you should not be asking about the results if she is unwilling to share. Be careful not to come across as two intense as if she is feeling unwell she may not have the capacity to deal with you.

NerrSnerr · 06/02/2024 16:03

I think you have to leave her to it. She has a partner so will be supported.

I don't share any medical info with my mum, she knows nothing as she makes it about her, although she'll say she's just showing concern.

Any contact needs to be kept asking how she is but not asking for her medical information.

Original poster
blackcherryconserve · 06/02/2024 16:59

NerrSnerr I don't make this about me. But as a mother how is it unreasonable to care about your daughter's and potential grandchild's health? If I didn't ask I'd be told i didn't care I guess.

OP posts:
PutMyFootIn · 06/02/2024 17:02

Can you go round her house and knock on the door?

purpleme12 · 06/02/2024 17:08

I'm guessing you've already done this but have you outright said in a text that you're a bit worried that you haven't heard from her and wants to check she's ok

willingtolearn · 06/02/2024 17:14

You daughter is an adult of 40years old.

Her pregnancy is entirely her own business and that of her partner.

If she wants to involve you, it is up to her how much information she provides for you.

I understand that you are concerned about her - no doubt she has received your card.

The fact she has refused to give you the contact details for her partner suggests to me that she is limiting the information she gives you by her own choice.

You need to wait for her to contact you.

MerryMarigold · 06/02/2024 17:23

How close were to before the pregnancy?
Maybe she lost the baby and can't tell anyone. Maybe she having to make decisions about termination which are excruciating. Maybe you were being too intense and she's creating some distance.

If you've not been a rock to her i in the past, then it's probably not time to start now.

I think the best you can do is wait for her to come to you and behave in the same way your relationship has been for the past several years. If you spoke once a year then it'll be weird to be in touch every week. If you spoke every week then keep that up with a voice message or text weekly.

Octavia64 · 06/02/2024 17:27

Things may have gone badly wrong in some way and she doesn't want to deal with other people's emotions.

If she was ok she would almost certainly have been n touch so you can probably assume she is not and wants time to deal with it herself.

Original poster
blackcherryconserve · 06/02/2024 17:35

I can't just go round - she lives two hours away.
We've always been close although she's also always been a very private person. We always messaged at least once a week to check on each other. This is out of character for her.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 06/02/2024 17:38

I think you have to respect her privacy and wait for her to contact you. She knows where you are if she wants you. Badgering her will only create more stress and make her less likely to include you.

WhyIOughtTo · 06/02/2024 17:39

Was there a catalyst for this or did she just stop responding to you?

Original poster
blackcherryconserve · 06/02/2024 17:48

WhyIOughtTo no catalyst. Asked me not to message her.

OP posts:
WhyIOughtTo · 06/02/2024 17:52

Are you worried about her?

I honestly don't know what I would do. It's a really difficult situation.

I think if she was my daughter I'd want her to know that I will always be there for her whenever she needs me. Whatever has gone before.

JustWonderingIfImNormal · 06/02/2024 18:02

I’m another one that initially thought you were talking about a young adult. 40 is more than old enough to be responsible for herself.
It sounds like she is having a very tough time of it at the moment, and sometimes people do just want some peace and quiet when they feel unwell. She’s told you not to message her and you need to respect that.
It sounds complicated because you haven’t got her partners contact details and she lives so far away from you. Is there a reason for her withholding this information and choosing to move away?
I would respect her choice regarding the messages and maybe send her a little care package of luxury things she might like with a cute card to say you are thinking of her. Then wait and see if she contacts you.

Original poster
blackcherryconserve · 06/02/2024 18:03

WhyIOughtTo exactly what I wrote in the card I sent her. The pregnancy was a shock to her :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
blackcherryconserve · 06/02/2024 18:06

*JustWonderingIfImNormal" She lives in her partner's home town which is two hours from me. I've sent a card as well as giving her some thoughtful things when I last saw her, early on in the pregnancy.

OP posts:
SummerFeverVenice · 06/02/2024 18:06

You mentioned she has been mentally unwell/is at rock bottom and this is out of character for her as you used to text weekly.

I would drive the 2hrs to check on her in person. I am all about respect for adults, but these are huge red flags that she may need help.

Noicant · 06/02/2024 18:07

What is her partner like? Because tbh if this was my DD I’d be really bloody worried.

Original poster
blackcherryconserve · 06/02/2024 18:08

SummerFeverVenice she has her partner and two closest friends for support as well as a good GP. She just doesn't want me.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 06/02/2024 18:08

SummerFeverVenice · 06/02/2024 18:06

You mentioned she has been mentally unwell/is at rock bottom and this is out of character for her as you used to text weekly.

I would drive the 2hrs to check on her in person. I am all about respect for adults, but these are huge red flags that she may need help.

She has specifically asked her mother not to message her, so she is unlikely to be happy with an uninvited door stepping. Whatever support she may need, she doesn't want it from OP.

SummerFeverVenice · 06/02/2024 18:09

A message from her account/phone said not to message her, but that’s not proof she has sent it herself (grim but there are controlling abusive men out there who will impregnate a woman to stop her leaving him), or even that she really meant it as mentally unwell people often say things they do not mean.

Original poster
blackcherryconserve · 06/02/2024 18:09

Noicant her partner is very supportive and caring. I have no worries on that score.

OP posts:
SummerFeverVenice · 06/02/2024 18:10

blackcherryconserve · 06/02/2024 18:08

SummerFeverVenice she has her partner and two closest friends for support as well as a good GP. She just doesn't want me.

Are you sure her partner is a good egg? Have you talked to her friends?

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