WWYD

[blackcherryconserve]

DD is 17 weeks pregnant and has been signed off work for most of it. She has been very unwell (physically and mentally) but won't respond at all to any messages since her 12 week scan. She has a partner but I don't have his details and in any case she won't forgive me if I could contact him. I have no way of finding out how she is at all nor what the results of her blood tests are (she is almost 40 years old).

She has told very few people, which I get, but I'm even having to keep it a secret from other close family members. I am obv very worried. Any wise Mnetters have any advice? WWYD?

Does she have social media and is she active on them?
Does she have WhatsApp or similar where you can see if she’s online?
Is there a friend in her current town that you could contact to check on her?

Ok well, I am saying this very gently because I have no idea about your relationship but I found having a child extremely triggering about my own childhood. I had a lot of stuff to work out when I was pregnant and when my Dd was born. It was difficult, I had been in a really good place before I got pregnant (therapy yadda yadda). I hadn’t expected to feel so affected.

Exactly *Sprigatito" this is why I posted WWYD because I have no idea how to get our relationship back to how it was prior to her pregnancy and I feel shut out. It seems the general consensus is to stick it out until DD decides to make contact again. It's hard.

I didn't even tell my mum I was pregnant until I was 17 weeks. Like your dd I was older, and early pregnancy was a bit dicey with some difficult scan/test results.

I absolutely didn't want to talk about it with anyone except dh until I actually had something concrete to tell people, and if it was bad news I wanted to be able to tell in my own time without worrying about other people worrying.

It was all good btw, just a hellish few weeks. I wouldn't change how I dealt with it. It was the best way for me.

She is not on social media at all.

Thanks Noicant you may well be right about the pregnancy being triggering. I hope you are ok now. How did it affect your relationship with your immediate family, if you don't mind me asking?

ditalini thanks for sharing. DD told me as soon as the pregnancy was confirmed. I spent time with her but it's all been pear shaped since 12 weeks. You say you didn't want to tell people. Is a mother just another person then?

As far as I know he is 'a good egg'. I really don't see an issue at all with their relationship. I've spoken to one friend once but it's all gone quiet since.

I do sympathise, it must be horrible to feel shut out and be so worried. I think you're getting some bad advice here though - if you turned up at her home, sent unwanted packages or messages or started questioning her friends, all you would achieve would be to show her that you don't respect her as an adult and are prepared to trample her boundaries. With her first child on the way she needs to know the exact opposite - that you do respect her and you will recognise her boundaries.

It may be that there's something wrong that she only wants to share with her partner; that's actually not a bad thing! They're having a child together, he should be her main support and confidant. It may be that she's finding that impending motherhood has shaken loose some memories or feelings about her childhood. If that's the case, then the best message you can send her is, again, that you respect her boundaries and her need for space.

You're absolutely allowed to be worried, hurt etc, but you need to deal with those feelings without making them her problem at this point - this is what she is saying she needs right now. Look at it as an investment in a healthy relationship with her in the future. I know it's difficult

Thank you sprigatito that's what I needed to hear I guess. Thanks for the understanding and the flowers. Much appreciated.

My mother would have worried herself sick. I know this because when it happened to her work colleague, she could hardly tell me without bursting into tears and telling me how worried she was.

I had enough on my plate without worrying about her! So, it was for her benefit because it would have affected her dreadfully, but it was also for my benefit because I chose to think of myself.

No-one else knew either - me, dh, and the doctors. And because it all worked out fine, that's still the case, so she's not hurt in retrospect either.

This is a very, very hard time for you, but the biggest gift you can give her at the moment is the right to put herself first even if it causes you pain

It's such a difficult time, especially if she's an older Mum. I've been for a 12 week scan twice and not been given good news. Both times were different issues and both times we ended up needing a MMC. Both times were extremely tough mentally and if her MH wasn't good to start with she may be struggling but she's asked you not to contact her. Hard for you but I got over them by being on my own mainly or doing things with DH and seeing my friends.

I've never really been close to my "D"M and didn't want her around but I've never actually gone as far as telling her not to message me.

If you are truly worried that she may be in an abusive relationship there is some information from Women's Aid.

I live in NI so I'm not sure how similar things are.
We had a similar decision with our only DS. He had quite severe medical needs but is NT.

When he was 2 I started pushing for him to be able to go to the local nursery school. They start here the year before primary so he would have been 3. The tests and medicals didn't complete on time BUT he did get awarded 25 hours of 1:1 TA time per week. Basically the entire school week.

I tried the private school and was told we would have to fund a TA ourselves they don't get allocated the budget for TAs (I later found out this probably isn't true)

It took lots of time fighting with every dept I could find that was related to getting a ECHP but finally 2 years later he was awarded one. They wanted to send him to a special school which I knew was not the correct option.

He is now about to start grammar school in Sept and will have a TA with him there.

On the point of being perhaps a "poorer child" at private school. That was me. My GP paid for us to go private and we were very much looked down on for not having the correct things or going on the right sort of holidays. When the girls came to my house they were astounded anyone could live somewhere so small.
The kids on the street also were off about playing with us as their parents thought my parents were snobs who looked down on the fact we didn't go to the local school like everyone else.

If you can fight for her to get a TA in place, whilst maybe also having her name down at the private school to cover your bases I would do that.
Then you have more options for second level education.

Sorry absolutely wrong thread ....